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Friday, June 23, 2017

Nope those are not the names of my loved ones

Yes, I have given my friends and family weird names in my blog.  Why?  Because some of the stories could be embarrassing.  But let’s face it they are funny.  So I thought I’d protect them and give them different names.  Me I don’t care if the funny and embarrassing stories are out there about me.  Heck I put them out there myself.  I figured if I cannot handle the embarrassing the stories from my younger days then there is something off about me and I need to go the planet Pluto.  Oh wait is that not a planet or is it.  I can’t keep track even if I am in outer space a lot. Not to mention the names make it even funnier.


One day I’ll start calling everybody by the names I use in the blog.  People wouldn’t know what was going on.  They’d look at me with weird looks and birds going around their head.  Of course that would be the ones that don’t read it.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Oh, the things I say and the purse

If you don’t laugh daily, you’ll shrivel up like a prune.

Hey lumber associate the 2 pretty boys need help loading their sheetrock.  They don’t want to get their old clothes dirty.

It’s so hot out I need glue to keep my sparkles on.





I am always leaving my wallet all over.  If I would put it back in my purse it would be a wonderful thing.  Yesterday I ran into a store to get frozen yogurt and grabbed my wallet out of my purse.  Now you’re probably thinking why didn’t she just grab her whole purse.  Have you crazy chuckleheads seen some of the purses we females carry, some are as big as a small suitcase.  Not only do we have to carry tampons, a wallet, makeup and a load of other crap, we also need to carry our kids diapers and toys.  Then the husband is handing over his wallet and power tools for us to hold.  So now you see why we have a suitcase sized purse.  It’s like we are carrying the entire house with us.  So now you know why I tend to forget my wallet and why some men carry a man purse.  Because let’s face it us woman we don’t need to carry around table saw like men feel the need to.  We just carry around a wide variety of feminine products.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Please send a hamster to power the computer

To whom it may concern:

I am writing to you today because the hamster in my computer is not running on its wheel causing my computer not to work.  Please kindly send another so I can have it run on the wheel to power the computer.
Thank You Kindly,
Hilma



Dear Hilma,

We are currently out of hamsters but we can send you a fish and a fishbowl.  The fish swimming in the bowl can power your computer, as well as your car.  We will put in the mail for you.  We appreciate your business.
Thank you,
Maynard
Customer Service Representative at Animal Powered Equipment


Dear Maynard,

The fish and fishbowl are working out wonderfully.  Not only can I power my computer but I can cool my entire house.

Yours Truly,

Hilma

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Ties and peeing contests

Philomena and I meet when we both were working at Blockbuster (BBV) back in the 1990’s.  We had a lot of good times.  There are some stories that probably shouldn’t be mentioned but it’s not like we remember everybody’s last name we met.  We would meet up after we closed our stores but we’d also hang out at a local bar on our days off.  We went so often that when we came in with a group of people and there were no tables available, they would bring tables and chairs out for us.  So one particular night we were there and we had seen some guys from our old bowling league.  As we were heading out we all starting talking in the parking lot and telling stories.  One thing led to another and they guys started joking about us having to wear ties at BBV.  At the time everyone one a button down collared shirt and if you were in management you wore a tie so customers would know who we were.  Well one thing led to another and the guys were having a peeing contest in the parking lot and we were measure how far they could pee with the ties.  I know this sounds very mature for people in their mid to late 20’s.


This was the same bar that we picked up 2 off duty cops and drove home with them following us.  Not the brightest move but we sure did have fun with them once we got home.  Plus, whenever I closed and was coming home at 1 am there was always a cop driving past watching me get into my house.  Just a perk of having a little fun.  The rest of that story is kept in the vault.  Type of vault not sure but it has purple and pink sparkles with rhinestones.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Nobody versus the dog and cats acting like dogs

As you may have read in a previous post I had a cat named Nobody.  She would pal around with her mom Nina outside.  Now she wasn’t as fearless as Nina was but she had her moments.  Well, all of our neighbors had dogs and one of those dogs was a Shetland Sheepdog. One day I was out in the yard feeding the fish in the pond when I see Nobody in the yard next door.  Well, that Shetland dog took off running after Nobody and she ran right under their deck.  She must have been looking for exercise or just wanted to mess with that poor dog’s mind.  Because she’d run out from under the deck half way into the yard and right back under the deck.  She did this a few times before scaling the chain link fence back into our yard.  That poor dog didn’t know was going on.  He just kept chasing her back and forth.  All I could do was stand there, watch, and laugh.  Because it looked like he was confused and she looked like she was laughing because he couldn’t catch her.


Because of all the dogs around us Nina the cat picked up some dog like tendencies.  One day I walked the 2 blocks to my friend’s house so we could go for a walk.  Well Nina followed me there and sat outside for 5 minutes while I went inside and Wanda was getting her shoes on.  We come out and start walking with Nina following us.  About halfway through our 2 mile walk Nina takes off on her own.  I think nothing of it as I know she wanders the neighborhood.  We finish our walk and Nina comes home an hour after I do.

Friday, June 9, 2017

Leaf blower versus dirt storm

Hey dude.  Yes, you the one trying to return the leaf blowing that is all dirty.  You claim it doesn’t work, well how did it get all dirty and where is the box and/or packaging for it.  Did you try to use during a dirt storm?  I don’t think we had a dirt storm since you purchased it on April 22.  I think that would have hit the news big time here in the Chicago land area.  By the way the return policy expired.  You had until May 22 to return it.  Yes, I see the price and it is expensive and you can call the manufacture to have it repaired.  Next time there’s a dirt storm in the area maybe you shouldn’t try to use a leaf blower to fight the blowing dirt.  Then maybe it would still work.


To the one who brings in a receipt and the owner’s manual without the tool and claim there is a part missing.  Do I look like I fell off the turnip truck?  Maybe it was the hot dog cart.  See this page in the owner's manual with the number for missing parts.  Please call that number and get the parts.  Oh, you wasted a trip.  Maybe if you used some common sense then you wouldn’t be talking to my sparkly ass.  Maybe you shouldn't have opened it during the same dirt storm as the leaf blower guy.  Then the part wouldn’t have been blown away or sucked into his leaf blower.  

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Nina the car loving cat

I got my first cat Pepper when I was 5 and I think I paid a quarter for her.  Since her we have had numerous cats in the house for the next 39 years.  In February of 1996 I got Nina who was 8 months old.  She must have been our most adventurous cat ever.  This cat got into everything.  Including getting out before I could have her fixed and getting pregnant.  We did manage to find homes for the kittens and we actually kept 2 of them.  Since her and one of her daughter’s Nobody loved to be outside we had cat door in one of the window wells in the basement so they could come and go.  Ok I know what you’re thinking a cat named Nobody.  Yes, because when all of our friends came over they all thought all the others were cute and nobody like Nobody, so the name stuck.  The other thing was we never had any other live animals try to come in.  But once in a while Nina would bring a present for us inside of the house and leave it at the bottom of the stairs going upstairs to the bedrooms.  After a talking too she left these on the deck. 


This cat loved cars.  We would find her in our cars all the time when we left our windows open.  We would pick her up and put her in the front yard so we could go on our merry way.  One day my family had a pizza delivered.  The pizza delivery guy came back about 5 minutes later asking if we had a cat.  The fool left his car door open and Nina hopped in.  He had started hearing a meowing and realized a cat his is car.  Since we were his last delivery he thought she was ours.  So my family goes out to his car and looks in and low and behold there’s Nina looking at them.  Two weeks later when my brother made a run to the liquor store 4 blocks away.  Half way there he saw Nina jump from the back seat to the front.  Rather than turning home he just went to the store and left her in the car.  I could go for ever with her antics like when she got arrested, but that’s a story for another time.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Really not wearing a bra is a good look

As I was trolling Facebook on lunch, I saw a post about the reasons not to wear a bra.  Some of the reasons were they don’t make the boobs any perkier and they cause breast cancer.  There were pictures of women’s nipples showing.  Really people!  First off no one wants to see my fat boobs that hang half down my stomach flipping and a flopping all over without a bra.  Heck, I don’t want to feel that.  Not to mention didn’t Janet Jackson have a wardrobe malfunction years ago with her nipple slipping out.  That caused a whole new issue with the Super Bowl half time shows as well as other live shows.  Plus, people were outraged by seeing a nipple.  Not to mention all the people who get all up in arms when a mother is breast feeding her baby in public.  So what the heck people.  I am going to wear a bra, even if it’s a little uncomfortable, because going bra less for 18 hours a day isn’t a look I’m going for.  Then I would be forced to shop at Wal-Mart with all the other fashion bloopers.  After seeing those pictures, I think I’ll keep my saggy boobs in a bra with no nipple showing.  If you want your boobs saggy and nipples showing that’s your call.


We are such a confused group of people.  But at least some of us sparkle while being confused.  One day showing nipples is ok another day it’s not.  I’m going back into my purple sparkle container.

Monday, June 5, 2017

Rose fest, rides, and lack of makeup

This past weekend was the Rose fest in my home town.  It consists of a carnival and a parade.  They even have a Rose Queen.  Growing up it was always exciting to see the rides starting to go up on Monday and Tuesday and it started on Wednesday and went through Sunday.  All the teachers would have a hard time this week keep up focused because we all were super excited and it didn’t help that the carnival was set up in the train station parking lot and that was a few blocks away from the middle school I went to.  It always so much fun and we would hang out Friday night, all day Saturday and Sunday.  We went every year all decked out with our hair and makeup done and our clothes looking good.  What it was the 1980’s and we were teenagers.   There were people our age from surrounding towns there.  It became a place to meet boys for us.  Heck Mavis even picked up a carnie one year when we were in our early 20’s.  That got us some free rides.

Once Bertha and I turned 21 in 1992 we couldn’t wait to go into the beer tent.  So we decided to be responsible and walk the 2 blocks from her house to the carnival.  Well let’s just say it would have worked if Bertha hadn’t decided to go on a ride called the Zipper.  The Zipper had cages that seated 2 people that spun as the rest of the ride moved in an oval shape.  I knew I couldn’t handle it sober much less after having a few beers in me.  So she goes on and comes off and gets sick.  Neither one of us is in any shape to walk home.  Luckily her boyfriend who was younger than us came to get us.  By the time he gets to us we are on the curb and she’s having dry heaves.  Poor guy had to deal with us 2 crazy knuckle heads.  Good thing he brought some of our other friends.


I did go this weekend Saturday night with a friend.  Of course I had worked all day and didn’t care about wearing makeup.  I put a clean shirt on, washed face and brushed teeth.  A complete changed from 25 years ago.  Hey I still look good without the makeup and hair done.  I sparkle so I’m always good.  So we hit the beer tent and listened to Howard and the White boys play and we talked.  No rides were involved in this outing.  I didn’t want my sparkles flying off of me.  

Friday, June 2, 2017

Camping and the lawn chair potty

We used to go camping a lot when I was a kid in the 1980’s.  Most places had bathrooms, electricity, etc.  Well for some reason my dad and grandfather had purchased 2 acres on a lake in the upper peninsula of Michigan.   Of course there was no running water or electricity on the land.  There wasn’t even any type of structures either.  We go and we are like where are we going to the bathroom because the pop-up camper doesn’t have a bathroom.  My dad and uncle are like don’t worry about it we’ll figure it out.  Their idea of creating a toilet was taking a lawn chair and putting a garbage bag in the hole.  There were certain rules that went this makeshift potty.  If it was full you had to change the bag and if you went #2 you changed it.  So it’s time to leave and we have to take all of our stuff with us including the bags.  The adults knew a place to take the bags of stuff.  So my Aunt sits on top of the camper holding the bag next to her and it leaks on her.  Now mind you we haven’t showered in 4-5 days and this just made it worse for her.  No one wanted to ride in the care with her at all and my cousins and I typically switched cars during the long drives.  Well they were begging to come with us and of course we didn’t want to ride in their car.  Needless to say my cousins had to stay in their own car the entire ride home.  To this day we still laugh about the leaking bag.


I will say that using the lawn chair bathroom was way cleaner than any outhouse I have been in.  Not as private but most of my family had seen my butt when they changed my diaper when I was a baby.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Back at it....things I'd love to say

If your front bumper decides to kiss my rear bumper, it’ll cost ya.  So back off! 

Yep, I posted this on Facebook, “Put a fork on me and and call me some.”  It should have been “Put a fork in me and call me done.” 

The truth always comes out knuckleheads. 

What isn’t it normal for people to work hard and pay their bills?
 Hey dumbass the s is silent in Illinois.  If you ever paid attention in school, you would know this.  Plus, the fact I pronounced it properly.
 Just because you cannot keep your shit straight doesn’t mean you can expect to call us and be nasty and get an answer right this second.  Put your adult pants and get over it.
 Really you wonder why I stopped calling you.  Maybe if you called me once in a while you’d find out the phone goes both ways.  Just saying.
 Oh, you came into town and thought I had no plans.  Sorry I don’t sit and wait for people to show up.
 Really 3 are wrong and it’s the end of your world.  Hey the world will live and it takes less than a minute to fix it.  Get over it.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Not always the brightest as a teenager

Ok so Bertha and I weren’t always the smartest when we would go out.  For the record Bertha isn’t her real name.  We had gone out for pizza after one of my cousin’s football games that she was cheering for and we had met a few boys our age.  Mind you we were only 14 at the time and didn’t want to use our real names.  Not sure why but she gave Bertha as her name and her real phone number.  So when the boy called and asked for her, her brother was like what the heck.  Well it came out it was us and he was like really you give a fake name and your real number.  Needless to say he wasn’t happy and of course was being the overprotective big brother.  So as the years went by we got smarter and used fake numbers for those guys we really weren’t interested in.  Of course then pagers came out and we just gave out pager numbers and decided based on the number who we’d call back.

 

A few years later Bertha, Mavis (Bertha’s sister), and I took one of our road trips to Lake Geneva, WI.  Back then I was scared to death to drive on the highway.  So Bertha drove on the highway and for some reason Mavis picked up some of the driving too.  On this particular trip, Bertha was speeding down a country road in Wisconsin and got pulled over.  Now I cannot remember how fast she was going but we were young and Mavis was pregnant so we didn’t question it too much.  I paid the ticket since I was the only one with a credit card and we didn’t want to go back up for a court date.  We go about our business visiting our male friends up there.  Ok they were just boys we became friends with after all of our trips up there.  We drive back down to Illinois and get about 10 minutes from home and go through an intersection we have gone through hundreds of times before.  Within in seconds the blue and red lights are going off behind us.  So there we are shaking our heads.  Low and behold the intersection we just went though had gotten a stop sign.  So Mavis gets a ticket for running a stop sign.  To this day, some 26 years later, I never live down the fact that I didn’t get a ticket that night too.  I always point that I was the good one that night and didn’t get one.  Then they both say in unison well you didn’t drive.  My response was well it was my car we took.

 


Needless to say this is some of the stuff we still get crap for from their mom.  After 34 years of friendship we a lot of stories and mishaps that we are brought up.  But that’s for another time.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Clogging toilets and sounding like my father

So clogging toilets is a genetic thing.  Hey my brother and I used to clog toilets and his kids do too.  One day I was watching my nephew Aloysius and my niece Hortencia because their parents were off somewhere doing who knows what.  Hortencia and I were doing crafts at the kitchen table and Aloysius was watching TV.  So I thought he was watching TV until I hear him yell, “Auntie, Auntie the toilet’s broke.”  I walk down to the bathroom with Hortencia running behind me.  What she was 3 and had little legs and she needs to see everything that’s going on.  I walk into the bathroom to see him standing against the wall with just his shirt on looking at all the water in the toilet.  The water was up to the rim and there was nothing else in the toilet but water.  I grab the plunger and start plunging and he says you’re doing it wrong.  Really I’m the queen of clogging toilets and your dad is king.  As I stand there plunging, I start telling him the same exact lecture I got as a kid.  If you poop you flush, then wipe then flush again and wipe and flush again if needed. 


That’s when I realized that I sounded just like my dad.  I was like so maybe it’s not a genetic thing, but more of a kid thing.   But it seems like everyone blames everything genetics it seems like. 

Monday, May 22, 2017

Rompers for men. What??!?!! Good luck peeing….

Really, rompers for men.  Like it isn’t ridiculous for a woman to be wearing one but a man.  Some days it’s hard enough to do the zipper and button for a bathroom break.  Especially when beer is involved.  A lot of us have been there, doing that pottie dance when a few beers are involved.  But that’s a story for another time.  I for one am not going to completely get naked just to pee.  If anyone says there are snaps in the crotch so you can pee, I’ll hand you a bottle and a pacifier and your outfit will be complete.  Just don’t ask me to change your diaper.  Because who wants to try and re-snap that after going.  I mean I cannot even snap my niece’s onesie right after a diaper change.

 

I don’t see how grown ass men are modeling these and not having their man card taken away.  They all look ridiculous and like they are hairy 4 year olds.  Now I am not a fashion statement but I work in a hardware store where I do get dirty so it’s not like I can wear a prom dress or even a wedding dress for that matter.  But I wear jeans and a t-shirt there and I look perfect for the job.  No one would want to see a grown ass adult walking through a hardware store wearing a romper.

 


Then there’s the cold should look I’ve been seeing in the plus sized clothing store I shop in.  Really no one wants to see my fatty shoulders or my bra straps.  Heck, I don’t want to see anyone’s bra straps anyways.  Just as long as no one combines the cold should look with the rompers then we will be good.   But I wouldn’t be surprised if it did happen since someone came out with parachute pants in the 1980’s

Friday, May 19, 2017

Hey cranky people stay away from my sparkling personality

Dealing with the public is starting to take its toll on my sparkling personality.  You people need to stop being so demanding and cranky.  Take a chill pill and relax a little.  Do you think if you are nice that you’ll fall off the face of the earth?  Note the earth is round, so the only way you’ll fall of is if the earth speeds up and then we all would be flung into outer space.  Talk about space garbage, all the planets and aliens would be dodging a lot of earth’s junk.  Things I’ve wanted to say all week but didn’t.  Primarily because my butt has fallen asleep and the sparkles have gone rogue.  Plus, I like my jobs.

Really you don’t know how to say Hi when someone answers the phone.  You should move to mars.  Then your manners will come in handy.

Of course I need your account number, but can you at least say Hi when I answer.

You can surely ask me a question about an invoice without giving me your account number or invoice number.  You won’t get an answer about it since I have nothing to look at.

Hey, if you were paying more attention to your kid then your phone maybe, then I the store employee, wouldn’t have to say something when he starts climbing on the self-check-out register.  So take your dirty looks and go to Pluto.

If you give a group of people a project, don’t expect it to be 100% perfect.  If you want it 100% your way, then do it yourself.


Waving items in my face while at self-checkout is not going to make be scan your items without an attitude.  It’s self-checkout for a reason.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Toilet paper and the middle school

I had my fair share of fun that didn’t get me in trouble.  But it could have.  Like when I was a freshman in high school my 3 friends and I one September Saturday night decided to toilet paper the middle school we went to.  Now I am the only one who didn’t live 1 block away from the school, but Bertha, Brunhilda, and Ernestina all did.  Now we were staying at Brunhilda’s house since we always hung out in the family room when we were at her house.  It also helped there was a sliding glass door that led outside.  It was always easy to get out of that house it seemed.  Her mom and stepfather were either on the floor above us or in bed 2 floors above us.  So there we were, 4 girls toilet papering the front of the school.  No one said we were the brightest.  We were 14 years old for Pete’s sake and it was 1985.  We were probably high on hairspray.  I turn around and see a cop car coming down the street.  I yell cop and 3 of us duck behind the bushes and there’s Brunhilda standing smack dab in a light going Huh?!?!?!  She then falls to the ground.  The cop passes and we take off running into the 3-hole golf course that surrounds the school.  We run through it and make it back to Brunhilda’s house.  We go about out night talking about boys and doing makeup.  The rest of the weekend goes on without anyone saying anything.  My brother comes home from school on Monday and was all excited because someone toilet papered.  He’s going on and on at dinner.  Later that night I pulled him aside and told him that it Bertha, Brunhilda, Ernestina, and I that did it.

 


A few years later my brother egged a rival high school and took off running and broke his elbow.  I don’t think he listened to my entire toilet paper story because we didn’t break anything.  

Friday, May 12, 2017

Graduation season and me

The month of graduations are here.  Whether is kindergarten, grade school, high school, or college.  Yes, I have been through all of them.  Kindergarten I really don’t remember.  Hey I was 5 and while my memory is like an elephant’s I do forgot some things.  Grade school I remember and one would think we were all dying the way we were crying and carrying.  It was like we were never ever going to see each other.  For crying out loud it was 8th graduation and we were all going to going to the same high school.  But all the pictures from back then show our faces are red, wet, and puffy.  Hell some of us hung out all summer swimming and hanging at the mall.

High school graduation was a whole other story.  My best friend drove us to where gradation was and I think we were even late and it wasn’t because we were goofing around at the senior breakfast.  At thought point we just wanted to be done with school.  Plus, I think we were too busy doing our hair and makeup.  Don’t judge it was 1989 and part of it was having big hair, bright clothes and a ton of makeup on.  Since there were too many kids graduating there wasn’t enough room at the school, we graduated at a place called Popular Creek.  It was an outdoor concert venue that has since closed.  I was just happy to walking on a stage that had so many bands play on it.  The class clown let 12 white mice loose during the ceremony.  So there was that excitement.  That class clown now owns his own logistics company.

I went to community college for a year after high school and didn’t go far.  Heck I didn’t know what I wanted to do when I grew up.  So I worked and had fun.  I finally went back to college at 27 and graduated at 30 with a bachelor’s degree.  I, of course had worked my butt off not to mention my fingers to get that degree.  So I cried a little and then had a party at the house that my parents threw for me.  A few years after that I went back and got my MBA and just had them mail it to me.  I didn’t want to deal with all the pomp and circumstance. 


After all that, I am not doing what I got my degrees in.  I did for a number of years and it has helped move me along in my career path.  Now that I am in my 40’s I am comfortable in doing what I do and I have this sparkly blog that I love.  Hey what can I say it has taken me years to figure all this out.  I don’t know how kids now a days figure it out.  I mean they just finished a ton of school and have to think about more school.  Heck I wasn’t mature enough back then to dedicate myself to figure it out and not sure I am now.  If have read this blog you have gotten a glimpse of my quirkiness. 

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Thongs verses Floss

Thongs are just floss for your ass and they are the most uncomfortable things ever.  They are worse than wearing an over the shoulder boulder holder aka the bra.  Other than flossing your booty, it’s like wearing a Band-Aid over your private area.  For what it’s worth, you could go commando and be more comfortable.  Whether you are going commando or wearing a thong people still see all your bits when you lose your pants.  What haven’t you ever lost your pants when jumping in a pool of sparkles and glitter or when you are dancing at the bar?  Then I wonder how to you function when it’s that time of the month.  Do you go to granny panties until it over?  Oh wait, since it’s like wearing a Band-Aid that would cover that time of the month.  Just seems that the floss would interfere with it.  No thank you, I’ll stick to the grannie panties any day of the week.  That way when I lose my pants doing a jig down the highway no one will see my bits.  Plus, I can have different sayings on them.  Who wouldn’t want a pair of panties that say “Hi thanks for not staring at my sparkly bits.” or “Follow me to the pool.”

Friday, May 5, 2017

Slug bugs and 1980's hair

For the last 2 years of high school my best friend drove me to school.  We took the same route every day.  One would think I would know what was coming.  But no everyday day I forgot.  It kind of was like groundhog day.  Every day we would drive past one particular house and she would hit me and say slug bug.  I was always like what the fudge how do I forget that.  She was like cause your blonde.  Not only was there one Volkswagen bug but 2, 1 blue and 1 yellow.  Not to mention she picked me up at 7 am since school started at 7:20 am and I was up at 5 am getting ready for school.  Why 5 am you ask?  Because it was the late 1980’s and it was the height of big hair and a full faces of makeup.  I needed that time to get ready for school.  Of course for one semester it was only to have gym first period.  So all that work went to waste until I figured out how to do the minimum and still pass without wrecking all my hard work.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Now break for our favorite direct sales companies and other companies

And now a break from my blondeness for a word about my friend’s companies.  Oh, and mine too.


There are some companies I just love.  Pure Romance for one.  Everybody needs love, romance, and some adult toys.  Nothing wrong with that.  There’s something for everyone there, from mild to whoa nelly bring it on.

After your done with all that you’ll need some fuel so go get cookies from The Cookie Garden.  Not to mention a makeup touch up with Younique makeup. 

The other 2 I have no idea where those come in at.  At Cheekerscrafts they have some jewelry and gemstones and Discovery toys could keep the kids busy while at the grandparents’ house when you’re having fun.


Below are their websites or Etsy shop where you can shop.  So go check them out and be surprised at what you find that you will love.  Plus, you can shop in the privacy of your home and no one will know what order unless you feel the need to broadcast it.  I have so many other favorites from all the companies and I could go on and on about their products.  But you cannot go wrong with these companies.







Now back to our scheduled blog this week sometime.

Monday, May 1, 2017

Family quirks-Pins, quarters, and lobsters in a pool

Every family has their quirks and things that happen.  We all have embarrassing stories that have turned into funny stories.  My cousins, brother, and I joke that it’s amazing we grew up normal.  My aunt will say we were young parents and didn’t know what they were doing.  But we survived the 1970’s and 1980’s just fine and we never wanted for anything.  We had clothes, food, and a roof over our heads.  We went on vacations and spent a lot of time with each other.  All-in-all it was a pretty good life with a lot of fun times.  Not to mention we had a pool.  That pool was a ton of fun all summer long.

Of course there were the times where my mom and my aunt found my cousin behind a chair choking on a quarter.  Or the time my mom changed my diaper and stood me up and I screamed and cried and my mom turns to my aunt and says I don’t know what’s wrong with her.  My aunt takes me and runs her hand around the inside of my diaper and found my diaper was pinned to me.  Of course my mom used cloth diapers back in the early 1970's so that's why a pin was stuck to me.  I was probably w wiggly baby and that would any pin to get stuck/  Well that would make anyone cry.  By the time my younger cousin and brother came along they got their act partially together.  This could happen to anyone in reality.


One on particular weekend trip we had gone camping with the Indian Princesses.  The Indian Princesses was a father daughter program through the YMCA.  We always ate pretty good on these trips.  One father had a pizza oven made for cooking over the fire and we would also eat crab legs too.  See we were treated great.  On one particular camping trip the fathers brought lobsters.  My father and uncle being the goof balls they are, threw the lobsters in the pool while us girls were swimming.  Of course everybody but me got out of the pool as fast as they could.  I knew the lobsters had rubber bands on their claws so I knew I wouldn’t get hurt.  Needless to say they probably weren’t edible after the swim in the chlorinated water.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

One duck, 2 kids, and a 2 bedroom apartment in Chicago

Growing up as kids my brother and I had a few pets.  The one of the first was a duck my uncle got me for Easter.  Yes, a duck.  What doesn’t everyone who lives in Chicago have a duck?  The duck lived in my brother’s playpen.  What he was almost a year and didn’t need it.  Of course, we also lived in a 2-bedroom apartment on the third floor.  My mom would fill up the bathtub and let it swim in there.  Since my aunt, uncle, cousins lived across the hall it had even more room to roam.  They had a gate to keep us kids upstairs so the quacker wasn’t going to go too far.

Then came the hamsters and they were squirmy little boogers.  They would get loose and get lost in the apartment.  Maybe it was me taking them out and letting them run throughout the apartment.  I was 4 and just wanted to play with it.  My mom, dad and various other family members would try to locate it.  After that we moved and we started get other pets like cats, fish, dogs, frogs, birds, and lizards.


Now not all were with us at the same time.  At some point some of the pets got lost in the house or were temporally misplaced outside (aka ran away or took a ride with a pizza delivery guy).  Yes, the cats would hitch rides with the pizza guy or the dog would jump in the pool.  But those are stories for another time as we didn’t have normal pets.

Monday, April 24, 2017

Thank you and video store sledding

Thank you to all those that read my silly things I write about.  I love seeing the page views go up.  I really do appreciate all the views.  So please feel free to share.  Even if you passing by just for a quick glance or to roll your eyes at my quirkiness or my misspelling of words.  If you don’t read my blog I’m ok with that.  I know that my writing isn’t for everyone.  I don’t get offended at all.  If I did I would hide in a pool of sparkles and never leave it.  But then I would get sparkles in strange places and that would drive me crazy.


Now on to our regular scheduled tour.  Back in the day of working in a video store we had our share of fun times after the store closed.  Now it never took place inside the store because we all liked our jobs.  But there were times when we went sledding at 1 am.  Yes, 1 am because the store closed at 12 midnight.  Why not it’s not like we could hit the bars since by time we got there we’d have time for 1 drink if that.  Plus, we did cart along some 19 and 20 year olds with us.  Now it wasn’t just one store that would come along since people transferred stores.  We would call one or two stores who would call another 1. There we would be in our work clothes sledding, laughing and running around like 16 year olds.  It didn’t matter if the lights were on or not at the sledding hill or if the park was closed.  We didn’t stay too long because we weren’t dressed right.

I know we weren't the only ones doing things like this.  Working weird retail hours you find ways to do things that are fun and won't get you in trouble.  Heck remember my trespassing post, that was a one of and didn't involve my retail video store peeps.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

The news, my sparkles, and leapfrog.

Oh yes, I know what happens on the county and the world.  Does some of it bother me?  Of course it does.  But I choose not to solely focus on that.  There are enough people bringing attention to it all.  I’d rather bring attention to sprinkles, sparkles, and the monkeys that run around playing leap frog with giraffes.  What you’ve never seen that?  Oh, you don’t know what you’re missing.  Really go and see it.  It really takes the edge off of the negative stuff.  But don’t take my word on it.  You can go on being in the negative nasty world.  It’s your choice.  But if you are reading this I’m guessing you need a laugh or two.  Or you’re raising an eyebrow and what I blog about.  Because I raise my own eyebrows at when I write.  Heck it surprises me at times.  Not everybody can picture a frog and a horse playing volleyball in the ocean.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Weather, pedicures, snow, and flip-flops

It’s that time of year where you are not sure what the weather is going to do.  Given that I live in the Chicagoland area I wear a jacket for what seems like 16 months.  Now that its April I feel lost without a jacket when I leave the house.  This feeling goes on for a month until the weather actually decides to stay nice and not snow anymore.  Of course it can be 55 in the middle of winter and we bring out the shorts and the flip-flops.  Yes, this happens and we also will have a coat on too.  Because for crying out loud it is winter.

It’s also the time of year where everybody realizes they never kept up with their pedicures over the winter.  Of course there are a few who will go and get them done.  Now that’s a funny site seeing someone walking in flip-flops leaving the nail salon trying to avoid the snow.  It’s not easy to do. It could be like walking in sand but a heck of a lot colder.  

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

The lost blonde sucked into work vortex aka life

I have been sucked into the work vortex.  I cannot remember my last day off or if I have even have a name.  But somehow I have managed to watch a bunch of shows on Netflix.  I walk around mumbling random things about vibrators and walking around with a bowl of goldfish.  Lack of sleep and too much work will do that.  In the end the money will be good and someone else can blog about my craziness because I’m sure some of it is pretty funny.  I’m just grateful I sell Younique so I can still look good while being 100% exhausted. 

Who ever thought of this work thing?  Because some days it is over rated.  Maybe because all I do is work.  If we all had an endless bank account that would cause a whole mess of things.  But to have enough money for house, food and the other basic items would be good.  I could work for the vacations and the fun stuff.  Heck I would stand on my head and fart sprinkles and confetti for that.


https://www.youniqueproducts.com/KellyFleck

Monday, April 3, 2017

The blonde gets lost

Blonde moment of the weekend.  So I had an event this weekend at Courtyard Banquets.  So I type in the address in my GPS and go on my happy blonde self.  Well I hear the GPS say you have arrived at your destination and I’m not seeing it.  I’m like where the heck is the hotel.  See I got myself confused because it didn’t register that it wasn’t the Marriot Courtyard.  Yup so I need to read all my stuff too.   But also in my blonde defense someone else did the same thing.  I ended up getting there with enough time to set up my table and put my makeup on.  People always look at me funny when I apply my makeup at a vendor event.  I don’t do it on a regular basis but once in a while I like to so people can see how the 3D lashes come out.  Sometimes I can sell a few more lashes that way.  So I works out when I run a little late.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Tinsel, car seats, and a duck

Looking back on my childhood and plus hearing the stories of my dad’s childhood it’s amazing anyone survived.  My dad and my uncle would talk about taking the tinsel off of the Christmas tree and making a ball out of it and throwing it at each other.  At first my grandma would get mad because they were ruining the tree.  Then she would put more on and the cycle would continue.  Once in a while when they did it she wouldn’t put any back on unless the family was coming over or it was Christmas morning.  Of course they played every sport they possibly could.  Mostly it was baseball, hockey, and football.   Of course the sports continued into their late 30s.  Of course it was all park district leagues at the point.

Then us kids came along.  Car seats were an optional thing or so it seemed.  Maybe they had just started using them for a month or 2.  Back in 1973 my parents and my aunt and uncle drove from Chicago into Missouri with my 6-month old cousin in a laundry basket on the floor of the backseat.  They my other cousin and I were roaming around the back of the station wagon.  Now mind you like my parents said there weren’t as many cars and people didn’t drive like jackasses like they do now.  Some of the best/scary stories are that of my cousin swallowing a quarter and my mom pinning a diaper to me.  My mom and aunt are like we were young and didn’t know anything.  My cousin and I are like you people were 22 years old.


Point is we survived and we have some good laughs at some of the things that happened to us.  Some kids don’t know what it is like to live in a 2-bedroom apartment in the city with your parents and a duck that lives in a playpen.  Then to have your aunt, uncle, and cousins in the apartment across the hall.  I do and I loved it.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Bon Jovi Excuse Letter

To Whom It May Concern:

Norma and Kelly are unable to come to work on March 27, 2017 because they were kidnapped by Bon Jovi.  No wait they ran away with the band.  Who are we kidding they are coming to work all tired after the concert on March 26, 2017.  But they had fun so they will be reliving the whole night all day long.

Thank You,

From the Fans

Friday, March 24, 2017

Trespassing. Not the brightest idea from the blonde

Growing up in the 1970’s and 1980’s one would think I would have done all the stupid things then.  Heck no.  Because in the 1990’s when I was in my 20’s I decided along with a few friends to go into an abandoned building.  Now this wasn’t just any abandoned building.  This was the old Ovaltine Factory in Villa Park, Il.  Now this was before they turned into apartments.  We went in, in the middle of the night on lovely spring day.  Mind you trespassing as an adult is probably worse than as a minor but we didn’t think of that.  Did we think about getting hurt?  Nope.  Lords knows we could have fallen through a floor.  We walked around for hours and even made it to the roof and walked around up there.


We were not the only ones roaming around.  There were others too and we all had flashlights.  If we were in the building of the building, we didn’t have to worry as much about people seeing the flashlights. But if we were near the windows we had to turn them off or point them towards the floor.  Of course once we got on the roof there was more light because there was a full moon and all the street lights below were still on.  It was pretty cool to be inside.  There were empty fill cabinets still in offices and all the old doors with glass panes on the top of the doors.  I would have loved to gone in when it was daylight.  Heck it would have been a sight when it was still open.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Stupid stick and fighting one blonde brain cell

This week has been a strain on the one blonde brain cell.  People have been sucking the life out of that little guy.  I don’t know if it knows what smacked the silliness out of it.  It could be the stupid people at the retail place I work or customers I talk too at my day job.  Seems like the stupid stick slapped these people because they want me to not charge tax or anything for their items.  Hello, people I am not in charge of taxes.  If you are so inclined, you may call the White House and see if they will waive your sales tax.  Because that is a fight I am not taking on.  I have enough of a fight with the one blonde brain cell.  Just saying.


The fight with the one blonde brain cell is real.  It is because there is just one, so it is always punching itself.  It’s quite a site from the inside of the brain.  The little hands have purple sparkly boxing gloves and it wears lime green boxing trunks.  So every once in a while I see a flash of purple or lime when it is beating itself up because it’s dancing around the head and there’s a whole lot of room in there.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Waking up at the butt crack of dawn and beaches

You could say I’m a little spoiled when it comes to getting up in the morning.  I start my full-time job at 9:30 am, so I am getting up at 7 or 7:30 am.  It’s quite nice actually and since I live less than 10 minutes away I am even more spoiled.  Plus, I get off of work at 6:00 pm so I am home by 6:10 pm.  So when I have to be at my part-time job at 6 am it’s a little hard to wake up before the birds do.  Now my part-time job is 5 minutes away from home so that does make it a little easier but when I’m driving over there the birds haven’t even stirred from their nests and they haven’t even thought of coffee yet.  Heck they haven’t dreamed of their morning worm.  At that time of the morning all I’m thinking/dreaming about sleep.  Especially since there are nights were I work until 10:30 pm.


So I will suck it up and deal with it.  Plus, when I leave at that time of the morning there are no cars out on the road.  Which is a huge plus because no one will see the toothpicks keeping my eyes open or the huge amounts of sand still in my eyes.  Some mornings that sand could fill an entire Caribbean beach.  So let’s bring out the beach towels and chairs and have a few tropical drinks.  Not to mention the beach ball.  We have to have a ball to loose so the hot looking guys have to come bring it to us.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Giraffes and high heels

This whole waiting for a giraffe giving birth is getting old.  I’m tired of seeing the link on my page daily.  Really people if you want to see a giraffe give birth just find YouTube video.  You could also watch the animal planet channel.  I’m all for watching something nice and fluffy because the news gets so old.  But come on enough with the giraffe.  Everybody has the link now and knows where to go to watch.  Not to mention that it will be big news once she pushes that baby out because it has gone viral.

Now you know what’s funny to watch?  Runway models falling in their 2-foot-high shoes.  Now you are supposed to be professionals and know how to walk in high heels.  Someone like me will not know how to walk in them so you should see me walking down the runway falling over the place.  Heck if I wore heels that are more 1 inch high I’m falling down just by standing there. Not to mention no matter how high the heels are I will never be as tall as a giraffe.


Speaking of giraffes and high heels. I wonder what it would look like if a giraffe wore high heels.  Not just a plain pair of heels but heels in various colors and they have sparkles on them.  They could have a silver sparkly pair for the front feet and a purple pair of sparkly for the back.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

The blonde making a phone call

I get to work yesterday and try to call my boyfriend to let him know I’m safe and he never answered.  So I call again in a few and still no answer.  I of course didn’t let it go to voice either time.  So I pull out my phone to check text message and see 2 missed phone calls.  I’m like who is calling me.  Now you probably can see where this is going.  So I call the number back because I’m thinking someone is really trying to get a hold of me.  A coworker answers and she’s like aren’t you sitting at your desk.  Oops, I am sitting at my desk.  You guessed it I was calling my own cell phone.  Go figure I am a blonde.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Ducks, squirrels, monkeys and Bon Jovi

Some people have their ducks in a row, I do not.  Squirrels, who knows what mine are doing and I am nowhere near a circus with monkeys to claim they are not mine.  If I had a circus it would have drunk monkeys in it.  They would probably escape and roam around throwing sprinkled donuts at everybody.  I think I have cute puppies and fairies sprinkling fairy dust all over to keep everybody else’s drunk ass monkeys away from me and my peeps.  As far as other people’s squirrels, they appear to be afraid of my purple sparkly squirrels so they stay far away from mine.


What I do have, is Bon Jovi tickets for their show in Chicago at the end of march.  But there will be no squirrels taking my attention away from the show or drunk monkeys throwing pudding around.  Because it is Bon Jovi of course and everybody’s attention will be on the band.  Heck at this point all of us fans can put on a concert for them as we know all the words.  So all you people please leave your monkeys and squirrels at home.  They can throw balls there at each other.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

A few poems

A Girl and A Hippo
There once was a girl
Who walked around town
She always had a cloud of sparkles around her
And a purple hippo in tow



What Did You See
What’s that you say
You saw a lime green elephant
Walking down the street with a garden on its back
And a sheep throwing confetti following him



I Think You Can You See That
Hey, do you see that
Over there by the wall
Yes, over there by the purple brick wall
Open your stupid eyes and look
How can you not see it, it’s huge
It’s a  big pool of beer


Thursday, March 2, 2017

Hey, Event Planners listen up

To all those who plan events.  Please keep in mind that vendors talk.  If you cancel too many events and don’t refund money, you will get a bad name.  Listen to what vendors and other even planners say.  This feedback will help make future events better and you will have more luck getting vendors.  Just because you get advice it doesn’t mean you have to take it.  But it should be in the back of your mind.  Note you will not make everyone happy.  Just make sure you do what you say. You want to build trust between you and the vendors and customers.  This will create a better environment and will create loyalty.  In the end whether it’s busy or not, you and the vendors are making connections with each other and with you.  This will help your business in the long run because people will remember you and they may refer people to you and to other vendors at the event.  Not every vendor will promote the event.  Some feel that is the event planners job and other vendors like their customer base to know where they will be.  Don’t make it mandatory that they share the event.  By making it mandatory it gives the feeling that you the planner is not doing any advertising and don’t care about the event.

Oh yea, don’t go blocking vendors when they are asking questions.  They are just trying to get more information from you to see if their product would be a good fit.  Plus, most vendors have been doing events for years and know bullshit when they hear it.  By blocking them because you don’t like the questions they are asking makes you look bad and don’t think they won’t talk.  Because they will.  Heck some of us will watch certain event planners because they are on track to being a train wreck.


Also, start with smaller venues.  This will help build a loyalty and a good following.  Planning events takes time and a lot of work.  Have patience and don’t air your complaints on social media about how vendors are acting or any difficulties you are having.  You take it up directly in private with the vendor or customer.  I have been on both ends, I have been an event planner and a vendor at events.  I have learned a lot and could go on for a very long time talking about what I have learned.

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

And now break from our regularly scheduled blondness

We are taking break from our regularly scheduled blondness for a word from my friends’ companies.


Yes, I love direct sales companies.  I love that I can support my friends and family who sell things.  I have friends who sell Jamberry (nail wraps, lacquers, etc.), Pure Romance (adult toys), Tastefully Simple (spices and mixes), Younique (makeup and skin care), Discovery Toys (kids toys), Pampered Chef (kitchen gadgets, etc.), Cookies, and gemstones and jewelry.  Yes, some of the companies I sell for because I love the products.  I also buy from my friends because I love their products too.  Below are their websites or Etsy shop where you can shop.  So go check them out and be surprised at what you find that you will love.  Plus, you can shop in the privacy of your home and no one will know what order unless you feel the need to broadcast it.


Below are some of my favorite items.
Coochy Shave Cream from Pure Romance.  It leaves my legs super smooth and soft.  Plus, it doubles as a hair conditioner.
Garlic Garlic and Bacon Bacon from Tastefully Simple.  I can sprinkle them both on veggies or any other food item of my choosing.  Plus, you can make a dip out of them both.
Stoneware Pieces from Pampered Chef.  I have several of the stoneware pieces from Pampered Chef.  Love them and I have made pies and casseroles in them.
Apple Pie Cookie from the Cookie Garden.  The cookie tastes just like apple pie.

I have so many other favorites from all the companies and I could go on and on about their products.  But you cannot go wrong with these companies.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

The pens are taking over

Little by little I have been organizing and going through things.  My boyfriend is always like take care of the big things.  I pointed out that the last of the big things was the kitchen table that is too big for the kitchen.  Well, we cannot get rid of it until we find another smaller one.  So I started going through the closets only to find we have 1 million pens.  Ok maybe its closer to 150 pens.  It was like the pens were multiplying while we were sleeping.  I think they were having pen weddings and starting having pen sex and having families.  There were pen villages starting and even a pen airport was built so they could travel to other houses.

But really how pens do 2 people need.  So I came out with a box of pens and went through the ones I would use at home and ones I would take to work.  I figure it'll take me years to go through all these pens and my then there really could be 1 million pens in this 2 bedroom apartment.  So I'll take some to work to use and donate some to church.

Friday, February 24, 2017

The power of blonde

People don’t underestimate the power of the blonde.  I know more of what’s going on than you think you little 23-year-old.  I have learned how to handle and deal with it in my own way.  In other words, I don’t deal with drama and the more drama filled you are the more I don’t talk to you or I call you out on it.  So you may think I’m bitchy or stand offish but it works for me so I’m pulled into useless bullshit.

Whether your post was supposed to be funny or not and you take it down it looks a little funny.  The post was from a person in her early 20’s, about someone being sick and coming back to work then the boss saying that’s what we like you throw up, shit and come back.  What are you afraid someone will call you out on your medical bullshit that you cannot keep straight.  I think you are because since you have started you haven’t work more than 3-4 full weeks out of what 8.  Hey little girl, yes little girl because you still have a lot to learn and a lot of growing up to do acting like you do does get noticed and will not get you far in life.


Now I understand that not all 20 year olds mature at the same rate, but if you are working in an office and trying to get ahead in the world don’t talk like you’re in high school and don’t be involved in drama.  Listen to what others have to offer.  Listening doesn’t mean you have to take their advice but you will learn a whole hell of a lot more that may help you down the road.  Hey it’s your life and if you want to learn the hard way then fine but don’t come asking me questions then going somewhere else to verify what I just said.

Monday, February 20, 2017

One day these will come out of my mouth

Yes, all my Facebook and other social media friends, my accounts have been hacked and please accept all my friend requests.  While you are at it, please send those requests tons of money, confetti, and sparkles.

Don’t go claiming that Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark holiday until you do your research.  If not, then just admit you don’t like love.

Stop acting like you’re in high school this is a work place.  If want the drama, then please go back to high school.

Why yes I have views on things?  But I don’t feel the need to yell them at the top of my lungs.  So I’ll just sparkle away in the world.

So you ask someone else about how to transfer to voicemail after you ask me.  Yup I’ll call you out on it.  Oh and get off your cell and answer calls.  It’s what you get paid to do.

Oh and by the way if you live in America he is your president.


Really you think you’re going to walk out of the store with windows, without someone asking for a receipt.  Wrong.  It’s part of my job get over it.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Short and funny Valentine Day sayings

I love you as much as a cat loves catnip.  Happy Valentine’s Day.

Sorry, my period didn’t know it was Valentine’s Day.  It thought it was just normal day.

Here is a variety pack of batteries for your date.  Happy Valentine’s Day.

Oh, you wanted a diamond ring.  Let me make one out of the chocolates and flowers I just bought for you.  Happy Valentine’s Day.

Happy Valentine’s day, here’s a sucker.

Your lonely today, here’s a goldfish.  Happy Valentine’s day.


Still lonely, here’s a flea for company.  Happy Valentine’s day.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Blonde Birthday Month Excuse Letter

To Whom It May Concern:

This month is the blonde one’s birthday month.  Please excuse her from thinking at all and just let her be goofy.  She is just either excited about turning 46 or a little bummed by it.  She’s not sure just yet.   So if you see her running down the street naked waving a vibrator and dildo with sparkles and confetti all around her just ignore it.  Better yet record a video of it to share with your friends for a food laugh.

Peace Out Peeps,

The Blonde One

Saturday, February 4, 2017

The birthday month

So my birthday month has started.  This year I am turning 46.  I don't mind sharing my age at all.  It's a number and I have learned a lot over the years as well as done a whole lot.  So this week the new person at work asked if I and my 57 year old boyfriend wanted to go to dinner with her, her boyfriend, and their friends.  Now mind you I have a lot of friends that range in age.  But I barley know her and she's turning 23 2 days after I turn 46.  Her plan is to go out and get hammered.  Which is fine at that age, but I am not into that.  I want a nice relaxing dinner with my close friends and family.  So I nicely declined all the while chuckling to myself.  Only because why would a 23 year old want to go out with middle aged people they barely know.

So later in the week I said to another coworker I am going to go clubbing for my birthday.  Now mind you this person I have know almost a year is about 27 years old and he gets my weird humor.  So this girl chimes in and starts naming off clubs and says she would be more that happy to go with me.  Um really if you paid attention to conversations you would know I stopped going to clubs years ago.  But ok lets run with this.  So it started going on with other people suggesting clubs all the while this other person and I are just chuckling.  Hey gotta have some fun right.

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

When the blonde brain isn't producing

Yes, there are times when I have nothing.  The fish have gone dormant in the brain.  Hey it happens.  My blonde brain can’t work all the time.  If it does it can overheat and the sparkles and confetti start coming out of every hole in my head including my piercings.  Yes, that can happen.  Maybe I can turn myself into a 1-person circus act.  The One Blonde Brain Cell show-The Blondest Show in the Universe.  I wouldn’t need a big venue.  Just a stage to put my hippo on who is paying leap frog with a frog, a horse and a flea.


I’m thinking I may have to walk around some of the protests with rainbows coming out of my butt and sparkles out of my nose and confetti out of my ears.  Maybe that will calm their asses down enough not to do property damage.  If not, it’ll give them something to talk about.  I can bring the One Blonde Brain Cell show with me.  Could be fun and definitely entertaining.

Friday, January 27, 2017

If board games were played live or with new twists and a trampoline

If life was like the Candy Land game, we would all be sticky.  Just saying.

If the Chutes and Ladders game was turned into a ride we would all need a motion sickness patch.

It’s not a good idea to play a live version of Candy Land and Twister together.  You would end up a game burrito.

The should add a shaking feature to the games Hungry Hungry Hippo and Operation.  Imagine how much harder they would be.

Jumping on a trampoline without a bra on is just asking for a few black eyes.  Unless of course you have no boobs, then jump away.


Yep, there’s fish swimming around in my head.  Either that or I’m a blonde and things just happen.  Like forgetting to put shoes on and going for a 2-mile hike.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Being blonde doesn't stupid in my case it means funny

Don’t underestimate anyone who acts blonde.  A lot of us know what’s going on in the world we just don’t always vocalize it.  In my case I go out and volunteer.  It is my way of changing the world.  I just feel that actions speak louder than words.  Yes, I am educated and at times do not feel the need to use it.  Do I say the wrong things at the wrong time?  Yes, and sometimes it gets a chuckle.  Like when making a speech and I say bust instead of must.  Now this was during an 8th grade English class so it got laughs but it was still embarrassing.  If memory serves me right, I was making a speech on taking care of cats and I was saying you must give them fresh water and food daily.

Do I get offended by the blonde jokes or comments?  Heck no and not to mention I wear my big girl pants every day.  I know I have a brain and use it daily so jokes and comments don’t get me down.  In fact, I make them myself.  I do use being a blonde once in a while.  Sometimes it’s easier than trying to explain why I think the way I do.  Plus, at times it gets your something like a sparkly personality or the Barrel of Monkey’s game.  Other times it’s just because I don’t want to deal with the stupid people.  Hey it works try it sometime.  You may love it and use it all the time.

With my writing I’m aware of my grammar issues.  Am I proud of it nope?  Those who know me and my quirkiness get a kick out of it.  But those of you who don’t know me, you may think I’m just uneducated.  I know it sends the grammar Nazis into some kind of fit of galactic proportions, but that is sometimes funny to see.  If we all lived in the primp and proper world what kind of fun would we be having.  Sometimes just being yourself and not always watching how you say something is when the laughs really come.


So I am taking my blondness to a funny and lighthearted level.  Everybody needs a good laugh to balance out the crap that goes on in the world and in life.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Please I'm begging let me say these out loud

If you cough between every word, you might want someone else to make your phone calls for you.  Just saying.

Yes, the presidential inauguration is important but do your job and work.  It will be all over the news tonight when you get home.

Really people you cannot take the empty toilet paper roll and throw it away.  Does it have your peepee cooties?

Really.  People just want to get in and out and not be asked a million and 1 questions when they are buying their screws and nails or their clothes.  Just saying.

Don’t tell me what I should be offended by.  I have my own feelings and a very great mind.  If you don’t like that I’m not offended by the same stuff as you, then suck up and walk away.

If you have to damage property to get your point across, then don’t wonder why people look down on you.  Just saying.

Oh do I sound a little jaded.  Maybe it’s because you’re not using a vibrator on a regular basis to realize that I’m just sick and tired of stupid people.


If you have to spray half a can of Lysol, please go home to do your business because there’s a fog of Lysol that we are walking into.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Hey you. Yes you

Hey you.  Yes, you.  Do you think that there is no charge for shipping?  Do you think that things just show up at no charge?  Heck no.  The product cost money and show does shipping.  You know this because you are in business like the rest of us.  Do you actually thing threatening not to order again if the shipping isn’t waived might do something?  That is not how business works.  If you are unsure, please start over and learn how to do it right.

Everybody is acting like the world is going to end on January 20.  Nope it’s not going to happen.  The world didn’t end on the last inauguration day.  Hell people, the world didn’t end during the last 57 inaugurations.  Yes, things may change during the next 4 years but it’s not going to happen overnight.  Some good things will happen and some bad things will happen.  Just like during every other president tenure.  So suck it up people and move on.  Instead of doing negative things like destroying things during protests why not go and help someone in need like a homeless person.  There are many worthwhile organizations that need help.  So step out of your negativity and move towards a positive thing.

Ok jackass.  You’re going to get pissed because I asked you to slow down when you called in your order.  I did apologize and ask that you go slower. I am only making sure that I get all the correct information so that you get your order correct.  But go ahead at the speed of light and you will not know what your ordered with me until you open the box.

Really people the phone rang one or two times and when I answer the first thing out of your mouth is oh your back from your break.  I’m like no we have a full house and we are all taking calls.


Just call me baked and done with the day.  Tomorrow will bring a whole new world of wackiness.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Really just stop talking shit and other things

Yes, we need all the information for the items you are ordering.  We are not mind readers so we don’t know what colors or sizes you need.  If you want, we could send you 1 of each item that we sell.  You may end up with some wonderful items for your customers.

If people have to create a new profile for every position they apply for then you are not worth having them work for you.  Just saying.

Sucking up will get you nowhere.  Expect a new shade of lipstick.

If you’re still coughing that hard there’s an issue.  Go do something about it.  No one wants your germs.

If you have to talk crap about someone then expect karma to come around and hit you in the ass. 

Hey if you’re going to offer to pick up Starbucks offer it to everyone jackass.

You’re sweet innocent act cannot last for long.  People can see right through it since you talk shit about everything.


You never know I may call you out on your shit one day.  

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Step it up people I need things to say

For some reason people have not been bugging me so my list is short and sweet.  People just need to step it up so I have something.

Ewww, you’re going to eat that shrimp after its been sitting out for who knows how long.  Here’s some money for Uber to take you the nearest emergency room.

The sign on the self-checkout register says closed.  Go ahead and keep scanning your items with that goofy look on your face.

If you feel the need to gossip you better be ready to feel the wrath of karma coming around to flick you in your eyeball. 


If you’re now speed talking you must have aced the speed reading class.  Slow down your mouth isn’t on fire.

Monday, January 9, 2017

Putting away the Christmas village people and their houses

This weekend all the Christmas people went back into their boxes.  I put away my Christmas village so don’t go thinking crazy things on me.  Every year for about 20 years I put up a Christmas village.  It started out small and got pretty big.  Then I moved and ran out of room so I kept a few of my favorites and gave the rest to family.  This way my village people could take road trips to visit their village family and friends at their new houses.

It was a lot of fun to see it once it was up and seeing people’s faces looking at all the buildings, people and cars moving around.  The people would run all over the village and even the big house.  Mainly the moved because the cats or a human would move them.  It’s not like they were moving on their own.  It would have been funny if they did.  That would freak a few people out.


I’ve seen people who keep villages up year round.  They change out buildings for the season.  I’m like that’s a lot of work.  They all look great and wonderful but I am too lazy to keep it up year round and then having to dust around it.  It would drive me crazy because I’d be moving everything all the time to find the perfect place for everything.  Plus, I’d get bored with where everything was and I start moving things all over the big house and then I’d give up and stop moving things and dusting.  It would then get cob webs look like a haunt village.  That would be perfect for Halloween.  So until then my village people and their houses will be in storage until next Christmas. 

Friday, January 6, 2017

Fashion shows at fitness gyms

Hey you, yes you with the perfect hair and makeup.  Yes, you the one on the bike barely peddling.  If your worried about messing up the hair and makeup you are in the wrong place.  Is the gym supposed to be a fashion show?  If so I’m in the wrong place to get fit.  I go in without makeup on and my hair in a ponytail and mismatched clothes.

Actually that could be a new venue for fashion models and fashion shows.  The walls could be bedazzled with big fake gemstones covered with glitter.  Then a few disco balls hanging on the ceiling with various colored strobe lights mixed in.  Seating for the guests would be along the outside wall of the gym and the seats would be spin bikes.   There would be fake palm trees and cacti with Christmas light on them throughout the room.   Maybe even an Italian fountain in the center of the room. Models would be in the center on treadmill, bikes, and weight machines and would strut their stuff on cat walks between machines.  Models would be modeling anything from full length ball gowns, swim suits and business suits.

Waiters/waitresses’ would be on roller skates decked out in disco outfits or in referee outfits serving drinks and appetizers.  Hey an idea, have some of the models on skates too.  The ones wearing ball gowns.  Instead of carrying a purse they can carry a dildo.  It’d be a sight for the eyes that’s for sure.

In the background country music would be playing and once in a while a rap song would be in the mix.  I’m guessing that threw you off more that the models carrying dildos instead of purses.  Maybe it was the cacti with Christmas lights on it that make you ponder.  Well someone has to think of these things so people have something to talk about to go visit to not workout and sweat.  Being in a place like this will keep you smelling good and looking good because you are not working out.