Friday, December 30, 2016

To ring in the new year with a bang or a gong

To go out with a bang or not too.  This year I think it will be a quiet night at my house.  I have no desire to go out and ring in the new year.  Every place will be busier than usual and people will be sloppy drunk.  Oh hell, they could even be sloppy sober too depending on where you go.  Sometimes going to bars and such is actually funny.  People start drinking and they get stupid or emotional.  They are swinging from the ceiling, while hugging and kissing each other.  Then someone will be walking through the bar naked and no one blinking an eye at it because they are laying on the drinking their drinks and counting the elephants that go by yelling out that they don’t use dildos or vibrators.  Because the real thing is better.

The dolphins will come walking by in their tuxedos and their prom dresses throwing confetti and sprinkles at everyone.  Fairies will come by and use their fairy dust to pick it all up and send it out to the moon for the moon creatures to use as farming material and to make the moon sparkle and shine in the sunlight.  They are always grateful for this as being on a moon with nothing is kind of boring.

So with all that going on I will be on the couch eating pizza and drinking Champagne and watching some mindless TV.  I won’t have to drive anywhere or worry as the walk from the couch to the bedroom is 50-60 feet.  Who could beat that?  I can Face-time with family and friends and have just as a good time if we were out and in the same town. I doubt any ducks will be waddling through my apartment with a rain jacket and an umbrella.  If they do I’ll be sure to snap a picture after I ring the gong.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Visiting relatives during the holiday

Helpful tips for visiting family or friends during the holidays

  • ·        Don’t rearrange their linen closet.  We understand you want to help and put things away but just put them away and not rearrange everything.

  • ·        Flush the toilet after peeing.  You are not at your house and no one wants to see that.

  • ·        If you catch a cold while visiting don’t go wiping everything down with the paper towel you just blew your nose with.  Hell even without a cold don’t do that shit.

  • ·        Don’t ask a bunch of questions while they the hosts are walking out the door to go to work.  We will shut the door behind us while you are still talking on the inside.  My job pays my bills not your yappy mouth.

  • ·        We can take our purse and lunch bag to the car everyday and don’t need any extra help.  Really we are adults have have carried these light weight items for years with no issues.

  • ·        If your bored take the car and use GPS and go, see something.

  • ·        If you find a ginormous dildo that’s your fault for snooping and rearranging things.

Helpful tips for when family/friends visit

  • ·        Remember they will put thing away in the wrong places.

  • ·        They will rearrange things to fit their lifestyle with no cares about how you want your things or that you have adult toys hidden.

  • ·        If you don’t have any adult toys, go buy some and hide them.  It will more than likely discourage certain family members from ever visiting again.

  • ·        It’s temporary and they will leave soon.

  • ·        They will make you late for work. 

Just remember that there’s typically a double standard.  You go visit and change things around and expect your host to be ok but when its reversed you freak out.  

With a little respect of these rules the holidays would be so much better. If not a vibrator will end up in your bed.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Short but sweet Christmas letter with fuzzy bunnies

It has been status quo with all the family.  But since Thanksgiving the circus and Under Water Gymnastics team has not been a success and the fuzzy bunnies have multiplied like crazy. 

With so many fuzzy bunnies we have started populating the planet Pluto.  We have sent the chairs as well to make shelters for themselves.  They are thriving there and love it.  This was a perfect option because Buck the golden retriever has been having huge success with the fish grooming here it was a perfect place help with the grooming business.  They have started making little coats for the fish to keep them warm.  They are making them out of seaweed and are as cute as buttons.

There are also bunnies and chairs on the road with Billy Bob, entertaining the oceans. They receive strange looks since they are bunnies and normally don’t scuba dive to the depths of the ocean.  But they are good swimmers and are thinking about starting families down there.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

The joys of phone calls, food and Christmas letters

You call me and put me on hold right away.  Really what’s up with that shit? Oh yea, then hang up on me when I am mid-sentence.  Now there’s class.  Hell no!  If you don’t want to talk to people when ordering things, there’s always ordering via fax or online.  Try it may make you happier than talking to someone or until you learn how to use proper phone etiquette.  Not to mention having me on speaker and doing something that sounds like dropping marbles on the floor so it’s hard to hear.  Hey that’s not my fault I cannot hear you.  Maybe if you could focus and use the handset or a headset you wouldn’t get frustrated and take it out on everyone else.  Maybe I’ll add a few things and say Opps I couldn’t hear you while you were bowling and placing your order.

With all this food this Christmas season you all should have feed bags on.  People stop with the food.  All of you just complain that you ate too much or gained too much weight.  Either eat it and shut up about it or don’t eat it.  Now don’t get me wrong I have eaten a lot of food in my time.  Let’s face it I didn’t get this fabulous body by eating right and exercising.  But I have learned to not pack it in or I feel like crap and I don’t want to be the one complaining about it. 

People, with Facebook, Google+, Twitter, etc. why do you all feel the need to still send out Christmas letters.  Do you think that we don’t pay attention on those social media sites?  But come on people save a tree and let the rest of read social media since you put all your shit out there anyway.  All the good, bad, and ugly.  So do us a favor and keep your shit on social media and not on paper form in the US mail.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Holidays, cold in the Midwest and a floating UFO home

Holidays are fun and stressful all at the same time.  Okay so you go visit family for the holidays (or anytime) and bring your stuff and some food that you like. Do you really then go and rearrange the linen closet and have hand towels and washcloths in multiple places?  At least I had all the things that were the same in the same spot.  It was pretty neat before, now it looks like I have a store in there and am waiting for customers.  Hey, it’s a closet and sometimes those are a hot mess. 

Then since you live in the Midwest, it feels like you really live in the arctic with the -20 wind-chill.  This causes cars not to start and takes even longer to get anywhere because you want to stay in bed under the covers until the next thaw which may not happen until July.  No to mention with all the clothes you have to wear you look like the kid from A Christmas Story.  You hope and pray that you don’t fall in the snowbank in the parking lot because you may not get back up.  If you do you might as well make a snow angel, this will help hid the evidence that you fell.

Highlight of the day so far seeing a floating UFO home on Facebook.  Um OK if I’m going to live an UFO I want it to be in space on floating in space not in the ocean.  But in any case how would you get food.  I mean it’s not like there are grocery stores in the middle of the ocean or in space.  In the ocean you could at least fish for food.  That would get a little boring especially if you get a whale, because that’s a lot of meat.

Friday, December 16, 2016

Again with the self check out and cyber deals

People stop being lazy and read.  The sign on the self-check machine says it is not taking or giving cash back.  Why would you still scan your items, then act like it’s our fault that you didn’t read?  Slow down a little and enjoy the roses.  Yes, there are still roses in winter.  It’s called buying them at the store and putting them in a vase at your house.   In other words, pay attention when you’re out.  Maybe it’s common sense your missing.  So please stop being stupid and pay attention.  At least for the rest of humanity’s sake and sanity.

It’s called a cyber-deal for a reason.  It’s because you go online and buy it.  If you want the deal, then suck it up and order it on line.  If you cannot handle the internet, then have someone else do it or you miss out on deals.  Not all deals can be offered in person or over the phone.  It’s life and companies do it all the time.  This is a normal thing and has happened for a long time in the retail/business world.  Get over it.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

I got nothing

I got nothing today.  I have not run into stupid ass people.  But the day is still early since I have to work my part time job tonight.  Then I get a call for an order and the persons last name is Snow.  Ok really was it snowing when that person was born or conceived.

I don’t have any funnies either.  It’s just one of those days. It’s hard to be on all the time or even part of the time.  Heck sometimes the sparkling personality needs a break.

That’s all I got for the past few days.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Get a clue people its a snow storm and self-checkout

People it’s snowing outside so it’s not really beach weather. So if you feel the need to wear shorts and flip flops you may want to check and make sure you landed in the right part of the world for that attire.

Um yea, that’s all that’s left of the car scrapers.  Maybe if you didn’t want until towards of the end of a snow storm you’d have more of a choice.

Hey dumbass parent, you’re actually letting your kid go outside without a coat on when it’s 20 degrees out.  Now, I am not talking about the older teenagers who think they know everything, I’m talking about an 8 or 10-year-old.  Hello, are you looking to have a sick child?  You’re the parent, do you not have any common sense the good lord gave you.

People it’s snow, not the end of the world.  It will melt at some point.

It’s self-checkout.  Meaning you scan your items and pay for it using the machine.  I only scan the big things you feel the need to bring through.

Oh, did you not read the multiple signs stating that this self-checkout didn’t take cash or give cash back.  Maybe you need to go back to school and learn to read or just pay attention.

People clean the snow out of your ears.  I asked for 2 things and you gave me 1.  I ask again and you get all pissy.  Maybe you should have been ready with what you needed before calling with your order.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Snow and more snow

Dear People of the Chicagoland Area,

I have grown up here in the Chicagoland Area and I remember that every December the snow comes.  Heck sometimes it comes in November.  With how people are today I am not surprised they are not prepared. 

This past weekend the weather said we were going to get about 6 inches.  So people were buying shovels, salt, snow blowers, etc. like crazy.  It’s not like we didn’t know it was coming.  Let’s face it whether you watch the news or not and you live in an area where it snows in the winter months, it's gonna come.  So do not be surprised when you go shopping for shovels, salt, snow blowers, etc. that supplies are low.  Maybe if you all would have gotten prepared before the season started you would have more of a choice of items to choose from.  But for now we have what we have and you can look while your dressed in your shorts and flip flops.  Really shorts and flip flops this is not beach weather.

Thank You,

Old Man Winter

Friday, December 9, 2016

Short and sweet with runny noses

I’m sorry your nose is running, maybe it’s trying to catch the refrigerator.

If your nose runny you better run and catch it.

If I have to explain those two lines to you, you better keep on running to the next blog.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

To have kids or not to

So I am a middle aged woman who has never had kids.  Don’t get me wrong kids can be a joy and a lot of fun. But to have something the size of a watermelon come out of me is as appealing as a root canal.  Not to mention they are a ton of work.  When they first leave a warm and cozy place they land in a cold bright room and are screaming from the moment they arrive.  They cannot feed or change themselves, this makes them needy.  Then they start rolling over, crawling, and move on to running.  They never stop at that point.  The house needs to be child proof since they will eat anything including the dog food from the dog’s bowl.  Once they start talking they never stop with the questions.  The most popular is “Why” and then as they get older its “Why not” or “Why can’t I”?  Once you get through all the dating issues and collage you are dead ass broke.  Plus, you realize you have not slept more than 3 hours since they are born.  They wake you up when they are little to eat and be changed.  Then it’s nightmares when they are older and when they are teenagers you are worried they are in a ditch or in a lake even though the closet lake is 500 miles away.  While there are some joys to having kids like the grandchild they may give you one day or seeing their accomplishments, I have come to realize I am dead ass broke without having kids and I am too tired to do anything from working 2 jobs. So to all those parents who think we are having one big party because some of us don’t have kids, think again.  I’m partying in my head while I’m working.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Laziness and scamming. Suck it up people and get a life

Oh, the returns desk said you couldn’t return something.  I’m sorry but they are the ones who handle returns not the cashiers.  If you’d like to complain please feel free to walk back down to them because they can further assist you.  By the way stop trying to convince the entire store staff that your 6-year-old opened the boxes of lights because he was excited for Christmas.  Because I don’t think he would swap out new lights with old ones.

If someone says they have a hard time hearing you because there’s static on your phone, then switch phones.

Just because your homeless doesn’t mean that you cannot do things for yourself.  It may be 2 steps down to the bathroom you can use the elevator rather than using someone else’s shoulder.  Not to mention you should have your sleeping area all set up before 3 am when the others are already asleep.

Some days I’m not what people want to read more. funny things or sarcastic things.

Really people.  Nordstrom’s is selling a rock for $85 and it’s sold out.  What?  Your lazy ass cannot go find your own rock on the street and put in a leather pouch for way cheaper.

People suck it up and stop being lazy.  In fact I'll sell you a rock for $60 that I found on the street.

Monday, December 5, 2016

Hey you scammers

To whom it may concern:

Please excuse ___________ from the Christmas season.  They feel the need to scam stores by attempting to return items that were opened and swapped out with an old version of the item.  Then proceed to blame their 6-year-old child saying that they were too excited to wait and opened the package.  They also tried to use multiple coupons that were only 1 time use coupons.

So we are taking away all their decorations and their holiday spirit until they can get shit together.  In the meantime, they will need to clean out the reindeer stalls, until they stop the scamming ways.  If that doesn’t work, they will have to pull the big jolly guy around instead of the reindeer.  Let’s see how they like pulling the big fat guy around.

Thank You,

The Retail World

Friday, December 2, 2016

Good Titles for Books and Their Synopsis

People Whose Eyeballs need to be Slapped

Stories of people who are stupid and do idiotic things in their life’s.  People who walk while texting and bump into 20 people because they are not paying attention.  A woman uses 2 carts to grocery shop and takes up 3 entire aisles with said carts.  An adult man changes lanes 6 times and cuts off 25 people and hits 3 cars and blames everybody else, sir your eyeballs need to be slapped.  Plus, many other stories in detail about who’s eyeballs need to be slapped because they have no common sense that the good fleas gave them to function in life.

Slap Yourself and Put on Your Big Girl/Boy Pants On

People who complain and whine about everything need to put on their big girl/boy pants on and get over their shit.  Stories of people who complain about who was elected as president, the weather, and the fact that unicorns fart and burp sparkles. The fact that there are free countries to live in on the plant or that the planet isn’t square.  Please slap yourself and put your big girl/boy pants on and deal with these issues.  Plus, many other stories of people who feel the need to put themselves first and think that other countries need more help than the one they live in.

Sparkly People Who Throw Confetti

Some people are just so happy they sparkle.  You know the ones; they walk around all sparkly throwing confetti all around them.  They are happy with everything little thing that happens and find the positive in any situation.  We will visit a lady who draws all the time and sells her artwork to ants to raise money for monkeys in need. Come and enjoy the journey of sparkles and confetti.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Letters, funnies and protests! Get the whip out.

Really fish don’t fly.  What about the ones that jump out of the water? Maybe they are practicing.

When I fly, I fly in style with sparkles and rainbows.  Who wouldn’t love to fly that way?


Purple Flea
If there ever was a purple flea
Now would be the time
To play tag with it

In the lush green forest

Sounds like you were not listening when I repeated something back to you.  Your junk almost got sent somewhere else.  Please clean the crap out of your ears.

To Whom It May Concern:

Please excuse _______________ from living a great life in America.  They have been out rioting and causing damage to property that others have worked so hard for. Since they do not know how to riot peacefully or how to act like adults we need treat them like kids.  Once they figure out how to turn their crappy attitudes around then we can treat them like adults again and they can have a great life again.

Until them sprinkle them with sparkles and confetti so they can either become more annoyed or become more peaceful.

Thank You,
The Rest of the Peace Loving Americans