Friday, December 30, 2016

To ring in the new year with a bang or a gong

To go out with a bang or not too.  This year I think it will be a quiet night at my house.  I have no desire to go out and ring in the new year.  Every place will be busier than usual and people will be sloppy drunk.  Oh hell, they could even be sloppy sober too depending on where you go.  Sometimes going to bars and such is actually funny.  People start drinking and they get stupid or emotional.  They are swinging from the ceiling, while hugging and kissing each other.  Then someone will be walking through the bar naked and no one blinking an eye at it because they are laying on the drinking their drinks and counting the elephants that go by yelling out that they don’t use dildos or vibrators.  Because the real thing is better.

The dolphins will come walking by in their tuxedos and their prom dresses throwing confetti and sprinkles at everyone.  Fairies will come by and use their fairy dust to pick it all up and send it out to the moon for the moon creatures to use as farming material and to make the moon sparkle and shine in the sunlight.  They are always grateful for this as being on a moon with nothing is kind of boring.

So with all that going on I will be on the couch eating pizza and drinking Champagne and watching some mindless TV.  I won’t have to drive anywhere or worry as the walk from the couch to the bedroom is 50-60 feet.  Who could beat that?  I can Face-time with family and friends and have just as a good time if we were out and in the same town. I doubt any ducks will be waddling through my apartment with a rain jacket and an umbrella.  If they do I’ll be sure to snap a picture after I ring the gong.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Visiting relatives during the holiday

Helpful tips for visiting family or friends during the holidays

  • ·        Don’t rearrange their linen closet.  We understand you want to help and put things away but just put them away and not rearrange everything.

  • ·        Flush the toilet after peeing.  You are not at your house and no one wants to see that.

  • ·        If you catch a cold while visiting don’t go wiping everything down with the paper towel you just blew your nose with.  Hell even without a cold don’t do that shit.

  • ·        Don’t ask a bunch of questions while they the hosts are walking out the door to go to work.  We will shut the door behind us while you are still talking on the inside.  My job pays my bills not your yappy mouth.

  • ·        We can take our purse and lunch bag to the car everyday and don’t need any extra help.  Really we are adults have have carried these light weight items for years with no issues.

  • ·        If your bored take the car and use GPS and go, see something.

  • ·        If you find a ginormous dildo that’s your fault for snooping and rearranging things.

Helpful tips for when family/friends visit

  • ·        Remember they will put thing away in the wrong places.

  • ·        They will rearrange things to fit their lifestyle with no cares about how you want your things or that you have adult toys hidden.

  • ·        If you don’t have any adult toys, go buy some and hide them.  It will more than likely discourage certain family members from ever visiting again.

  • ·        It’s temporary and they will leave soon.

  • ·        They will make you late for work. 

Just remember that there’s typically a double standard.  You go visit and change things around and expect your host to be ok but when its reversed you freak out.  

With a little respect of these rules the holidays would be so much better. If not a vibrator will end up in your bed.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Short but sweet Christmas letter with fuzzy bunnies

It has been status quo with all the family.  But since Thanksgiving the circus and Under Water Gymnastics team has not been a success and the fuzzy bunnies have multiplied like crazy. 

With so many fuzzy bunnies we have started populating the planet Pluto.  We have sent the chairs as well to make shelters for themselves.  They are thriving there and love it.  This was a perfect option because Buck the golden retriever has been having huge success with the fish grooming here it was a perfect place help with the grooming business.  They have started making little coats for the fish to keep them warm.  They are making them out of seaweed and are as cute as buttons.

There are also bunnies and chairs on the road with Billy Bob, entertaining the oceans. They receive strange looks since they are bunnies and normally don’t scuba dive to the depths of the ocean.  But they are good swimmers and are thinking about starting families down there.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

The joys of phone calls, food and Christmas letters

You call me and put me on hold right away.  Really what’s up with that shit? Oh yea, then hang up on me when I am mid-sentence.  Now there’s class.  Hell no!  If you don’t want to talk to people when ordering things, there’s always ordering via fax or online.  Try it may make you happier than talking to someone or until you learn how to use proper phone etiquette.  Not to mention having me on speaker and doing something that sounds like dropping marbles on the floor so it’s hard to hear.  Hey that’s not my fault I cannot hear you.  Maybe if you could focus and use the handset or a headset you wouldn’t get frustrated and take it out on everyone else.  Maybe I’ll add a few things and say Opps I couldn’t hear you while you were bowling and placing your order.

With all this food this Christmas season you all should have feed bags on.  People stop with the food.  All of you just complain that you ate too much or gained too much weight.  Either eat it and shut up about it or don’t eat it.  Now don’t get me wrong I have eaten a lot of food in my time.  Let’s face it I didn’t get this fabulous body by eating right and exercising.  But I have learned to not pack it in or I feel like crap and I don’t want to be the one complaining about it. 

People, with Facebook, Google+, Twitter, etc. why do you all feel the need to still send out Christmas letters.  Do you think that we don’t pay attention on those social media sites?  But come on people save a tree and let the rest of read social media since you put all your shit out there anyway.  All the good, bad, and ugly.  So do us a favor and keep your shit on social media and not on paper form in the US mail.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Holidays, cold in the Midwest and a floating UFO home

Holidays are fun and stressful all at the same time.  Okay so you go visit family for the holidays (or anytime) and bring your stuff and some food that you like. Do you really then go and rearrange the linen closet and have hand towels and washcloths in multiple places?  At least I had all the things that were the same in the same spot.  It was pretty neat before, now it looks like I have a store in there and am waiting for customers.  Hey, it’s a closet and sometimes those are a hot mess. 

Then since you live in the Midwest, it feels like you really live in the arctic with the -20 wind-chill.  This causes cars not to start and takes even longer to get anywhere because you want to stay in bed under the covers until the next thaw which may not happen until July.  No to mention with all the clothes you have to wear you look like the kid from A Christmas Story.  You hope and pray that you don’t fall in the snowbank in the parking lot because you may not get back up.  If you do you might as well make a snow angel, this will help hid the evidence that you fell.

Highlight of the day so far seeing a floating UFO home on Facebook.  Um OK if I’m going to live an UFO I want it to be in space on floating in space not in the ocean.  But in any case how would you get food.  I mean it’s not like there are grocery stores in the middle of the ocean or in space.  In the ocean you could at least fish for food.  That would get a little boring especially if you get a whale, because that’s a lot of meat.

Friday, December 16, 2016

Again with the self check out and cyber deals

People stop being lazy and read.  The sign on the self-check machine says it is not taking or giving cash back.  Why would you still scan your items, then act like it’s our fault that you didn’t read?  Slow down a little and enjoy the roses.  Yes, there are still roses in winter.  It’s called buying them at the store and putting them in a vase at your house.   In other words, pay attention when you’re out.  Maybe it’s common sense your missing.  So please stop being stupid and pay attention.  At least for the rest of humanity’s sake and sanity.

It’s called a cyber-deal for a reason.  It’s because you go online and buy it.  If you want the deal, then suck it up and order it on line.  If you cannot handle the internet, then have someone else do it or you miss out on deals.  Not all deals can be offered in person or over the phone.  It’s life and companies do it all the time.  This is a normal thing and has happened for a long time in the retail/business world.  Get over it.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

I got nothing

I got nothing today.  I have not run into stupid ass people.  But the day is still early since I have to work my part time job tonight.  Then I get a call for an order and the persons last name is Snow.  Ok really was it snowing when that person was born or conceived.

I don’t have any funnies either.  It’s just one of those days. It’s hard to be on all the time or even part of the time.  Heck sometimes the sparkling personality needs a break.

That’s all I got for the past few days.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Get a clue people its a snow storm and self-checkout

People it’s snowing outside so it’s not really beach weather. So if you feel the need to wear shorts and flip flops you may want to check and make sure you landed in the right part of the world for that attire.

Um yea, that’s all that’s left of the car scrapers.  Maybe if you didn’t want until towards of the end of a snow storm you’d have more of a choice.

Hey dumbass parent, you’re actually letting your kid go outside without a coat on when it’s 20 degrees out.  Now, I am not talking about the older teenagers who think they know everything, I’m talking about an 8 or 10-year-old.  Hello, are you looking to have a sick child?  You’re the parent, do you not have any common sense the good lord gave you.

People it’s snow, not the end of the world.  It will melt at some point.

It’s self-checkout.  Meaning you scan your items and pay for it using the machine.  I only scan the big things you feel the need to bring through.

Oh, did you not read the multiple signs stating that this self-checkout didn’t take cash or give cash back.  Maybe you need to go back to school and learn to read or just pay attention.

People clean the snow out of your ears.  I asked for 2 things and you gave me 1.  I ask again and you get all pissy.  Maybe you should have been ready with what you needed before calling with your order.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Snow and more snow

Dear People of the Chicagoland Area,

I have grown up here in the Chicagoland Area and I remember that every December the snow comes.  Heck sometimes it comes in November.  With how people are today I am not surprised they are not prepared. 

This past weekend the weather said we were going to get about 6 inches.  So people were buying shovels, salt, snow blowers, etc. like crazy.  It’s not like we didn’t know it was coming.  Let’s face it whether you watch the news or not and you live in an area where it snows in the winter months, it's gonna come.  So do not be surprised when you go shopping for shovels, salt, snow blowers, etc. that supplies are low.  Maybe if you all would have gotten prepared before the season started you would have more of a choice of items to choose from.  But for now we have what we have and you can look while your dressed in your shorts and flip flops.  Really shorts and flip flops this is not beach weather.

Thank You,

Old Man Winter

Friday, December 9, 2016

Short and sweet with runny noses

I’m sorry your nose is running, maybe it’s trying to catch the refrigerator.

If your nose runny you better run and catch it.

If I have to explain those two lines to you, you better keep on running to the next blog.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

To have kids or not to

So I am a middle aged woman who has never had kids.  Don’t get me wrong kids can be a joy and a lot of fun. But to have something the size of a watermelon come out of me is as appealing as a root canal.  Not to mention they are a ton of work.  When they first leave a warm and cozy place they land in a cold bright room and are screaming from the moment they arrive.  They cannot feed or change themselves, this makes them needy.  Then they start rolling over, crawling, and move on to running.  They never stop at that point.  The house needs to be child proof since they will eat anything including the dog food from the dog’s bowl.  Once they start talking they never stop with the questions.  The most popular is “Why” and then as they get older its “Why not” or “Why can’t I”?  Once you get through all the dating issues and collage you are dead ass broke.  Plus, you realize you have not slept more than 3 hours since they are born.  They wake you up when they are little to eat and be changed.  Then it’s nightmares when they are older and when they are teenagers you are worried they are in a ditch or in a lake even though the closet lake is 500 miles away.  While there are some joys to having kids like the grandchild they may give you one day or seeing their accomplishments, I have come to realize I am dead ass broke without having kids and I am too tired to do anything from working 2 jobs. So to all those parents who think we are having one big party because some of us don’t have kids, think again.  I’m partying in my head while I’m working.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Laziness and scamming. Suck it up people and get a life

Oh, the returns desk said you couldn’t return something.  I’m sorry but they are the ones who handle returns not the cashiers.  If you’d like to complain please feel free to walk back down to them because they can further assist you.  By the way stop trying to convince the entire store staff that your 6-year-old opened the boxes of lights because he was excited for Christmas.  Because I don’t think he would swap out new lights with old ones.

If someone says they have a hard time hearing you because there’s static on your phone, then switch phones.

Just because your homeless doesn’t mean that you cannot do things for yourself.  It may be 2 steps down to the bathroom you can use the elevator rather than using someone else’s shoulder.  Not to mention you should have your sleeping area all set up before 3 am when the others are already asleep.

Some days I’m not what people want to read more. funny things or sarcastic things.

Really people.  Nordstrom’s is selling a rock for $85 and it’s sold out.  What?  Your lazy ass cannot go find your own rock on the street and put in a leather pouch for way cheaper.

People suck it up and stop being lazy.  In fact I'll sell you a rock for $60 that I found on the street.

Monday, December 5, 2016

Hey you scammers

To whom it may concern:

Please excuse ___________ from the Christmas season.  They feel the need to scam stores by attempting to return items that were opened and swapped out with an old version of the item.  Then proceed to blame their 6-year-old child saying that they were too excited to wait and opened the package.  They also tried to use multiple coupons that were only 1 time use coupons.

So we are taking away all their decorations and their holiday spirit until they can get shit together.  In the meantime, they will need to clean out the reindeer stalls, until they stop the scamming ways.  If that doesn’t work, they will have to pull the big jolly guy around instead of the reindeer.  Let’s see how they like pulling the big fat guy around.

Thank You,

The Retail World

Friday, December 2, 2016

Good Titles for Books and Their Synopsis

People Whose Eyeballs need to be Slapped

Stories of people who are stupid and do idiotic things in their life’s.  People who walk while texting and bump into 20 people because they are not paying attention.  A woman uses 2 carts to grocery shop and takes up 3 entire aisles with said carts.  An adult man changes lanes 6 times and cuts off 25 people and hits 3 cars and blames everybody else, sir your eyeballs need to be slapped.  Plus, many other stories in detail about who’s eyeballs need to be slapped because they have no common sense that the good fleas gave them to function in life.

Slap Yourself and Put on Your Big Girl/Boy Pants On

People who complain and whine about everything need to put on their big girl/boy pants on and get over their shit.  Stories of people who complain about who was elected as president, the weather, and the fact that unicorns fart and burp sparkles. The fact that there are free countries to live in on the plant or that the planet isn’t square.  Please slap yourself and put your big girl/boy pants on and deal with these issues.  Plus, many other stories of people who feel the need to put themselves first and think that other countries need more help than the one they live in.

Sparkly People Who Throw Confetti

Some people are just so happy they sparkle.  You know the ones; they walk around all sparkly throwing confetti all around them.  They are happy with everything little thing that happens and find the positive in any situation.  We will visit a lady who draws all the time and sells her artwork to ants to raise money for monkeys in need. Come and enjoy the journey of sparkles and confetti.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Letters, funnies and protests! Get the whip out.

Really fish don’t fly.  What about the ones that jump out of the water? Maybe they are practicing.

When I fly, I fly in style with sparkles and rainbows.  Who wouldn’t love to fly that way?


Purple Flea
If there ever was a purple flea
Now would be the time
To play tag with it

In the lush green forest

Sounds like you were not listening when I repeated something back to you.  Your junk almost got sent somewhere else.  Please clean the crap out of your ears.

To Whom It May Concern:

Please excuse _______________ from living a great life in America.  They have been out rioting and causing damage to property that others have worked so hard for. Since they do not know how to riot peacefully or how to act like adults we need treat them like kids.  Once they figure out how to turn their crappy attitudes around then we can treat them like adults again and they can have a great life again.

Until them sprinkle them with sparkles and confetti so they can either become more annoyed or become more peaceful.

Thank You,
The Rest of the Peace Loving Americans

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

I am not saying more. lol

If you don’t like transaction based jobs, then why are you a cashier at a big store?  Get a new job then.  Oh, and you say you're over qualified.  Honey hate to tell you so are some other here that are too.  So suck it up and deal with it until something better comes along.

Oh, I’m asking too many questions and I’m bugging you.  Tough shit, you were new once too.  It’s not like you were born perfect.

No, we don’t sit on orders waiting for you to call with more.  We ship them out when you place the order.  Maybe you should wait to call if you think you’ll have more.

I’m sorry I’m not the post office so I don’t know how they lose packages and mail. And no I am not in charge of them that’s the governments job.  Maybe if you think you can do better then you should go work for them

If you ever wonder why I don’t call, maybe it’s time for you to call or text.  Phones are a wonderful thing.  Not only do they receive calls and texts but they call out too.  Try it sometime.

Pigs idea of flying is when they jump.  So there’s your when pigs fly theory.

Friday, November 25, 2016

Shopping on Turkey day

With the turkey hangover I had yesterday I could not have gone shopping with the crowds.  Not to mention the sugar high and having a few drinks on top of that.  Lord people with the way the parking lots were before the stores opened I don’t know how you all did it.  Did you all eat at 9 am so it would all wear off in time?  I can picture it now people trying to stay in a straight line waiting to get an IPad or a computer and instead it is a zig zag line weaving through other lines and no one know what is what.  The lines are going through the men’s room then weaving down the tampon isle then into the basement and the attic of the Kohl’s next door. Then finally you can see the light at the end of the tunnel and the line goes 2 miles down the road through a few peoples dining rooms, where you can eat again.  Finally, you can get the coveted iPad deal of the day.  Only to realize you waited 6.66 hours for a savings of $69.

Good luck with that shopping on Thanksgiving day and on black Friday.  I’m either in my cozy warm bed or working.  I’ll catch the same deals closer to the holiday or I’ll buy all my friends and family things from friends who sell candles, jewelry or any other direct sales items.  Not to mention that nothing will be left because the same deals were out on Turkey day and were taking by all the turkeys.  Not to mention the lines will be longer and will go through more dinning rooms and a few lakes.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Thanksgiving day letter a day early

Everything has been status quo since the last holiday letter on Halloween. With all the kids all over the world and universe I am using a transporter to visit them all.  Since Ursula, Agnes, and Augustus are all growing things and I have a successful dirt farm I am bringing them dirt.  The dirt is rich in nutrients and some gold and goats, that their crops will love it to play and frolic in it.

I have managed to recruit 5 fuzzy bunnies and 8 chairs for the circus and under water gymnastics team.  They will be crossed trained and will be able to do any of the stunts and will travel the world and the galaxies.  There seems to be a need for this across the galaxies.  The bunnies will probably breed like rabbits so they can branch off and do more shows for more people, animals, and space creatures.

Until Christmas have a great month.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Really there's a town called Spanish Fork Utah

With a name like Spanish Fork Utah it makes you wonder how it was named.  Did a fork from Spain travel over the ocean and decide to settle there?  Was a fork from Central America found in the ground here.  I wonder happened to the spoon and the knife.  Did they settle somewhere else?  Did they start a village in the Mariana Trench or on the moon?  Then the spork did he start an island somewhere called the Spork Islands.  They could be near the Bermuda Triangle or maybe near Antarctica.

So if you’re interested here is the real history on Spanish Fork Utah.  I looked it up so I could read about the city.  It does look like a wonderful place to visit.

Monday, November 21, 2016

Some days I wonder about myself

I’m not sure what is more fun playing freeze tag with ice cubes or with fish.

If there really is a man on the moon he must be sick of cheese.

I had a really good vacation with the Martians.  We played tag with the fleas and sparkles on the sun.

Why yes I have a weird sense of humor.  I like to dance on my head while I fart sparkles.

What dancing on your eyelash isn’t normal?

Really who hasn’t scanned or copied a body part.  If you’re holding the paper while doing it then you just scanned or copied your finger.  What did you think I was talking about?

If you are secure in who you are, you would not be threatened by anyone else especially me.  Because I fart and sneeze sparkles.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Until people stop being idiots I continue with these

One day I may get back to the blonde moments.  But until then I'll bite my tongue even though at times it is no fun.  Because people have lost all common sense.

To all those who said they’d leave if Trump was elected.  Please go.  I’ll help you pack your bags.

The only people that put a division in this country are the people protesting not the person in the White House or the President elect.

If my happy ass has to be drug tested for a job, then your happy ass should be drug tested for taking my money via welfare.

Oh honey, try embarrassing us in front of customers, because you do that now and people are leaving.
Maybe if you paid your bill on time you would get what your ordered.

Talk a little softer because I don’t think the fleas and ticks heard you.

Don’t make a threat that your butt cannot cash when the police show up at your door step.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Get over it and deal with it

Really nothing is going to happen if you root for the other Chicago team.  It’s not like arms are going to grow out of your ears.  If they do that means you have extra hands to hold all your shit.

Go ahead and unfriend me because of my political views.  Looks like you may not have a lot of friends because we all don’t think alike on anything or everything.

Thanks to all the stores who look like Christmas threw up in your store before Halloween.  You may see my sparkling face after Thanksgiving but don’t hold your breath.

Really the store is a mess.  What did you think we were doing between the $3000 worth of sales in about 3 hours?  In fact, why don’t you take it up with the store manager since she’s ringing customers and I’m helping 3 people on the floor.

Oh, you left your phone at home and you feel lost.  What the hell did you do when it was attached to the wall prior to cell phones?

Suck it up suckers this is life and if you don’t like it then change the path you’re on.

Hey butthead, are those Christmas lights up and turned on already?  I think I’ll buy some live turkeys and put them in your front lawn.  Good luck.

It never hurt you as a kid to be punished so why not control your kids and punish them once in a while.  Maybe then people would not stare at you with laser beams eyes.

It wouldn’t hurt your precious ass to say hello and goodbye on a phone call.  Common curtsey and manners are still in style.  Just saying.

Oh you think Canada has free shit, like health care and you want to move there.  Don’t let the door hit you in where the sun doesn’t shine and don’t come crawling back because their taxes are higher to pay for free shit.

Put your adults pants on and deal with it.  It’s America and be happy you live here and not on the moon.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Excuse note for the election

To Whom It May Concern:

Hi this is America and in case you haven’t heard the election is Tuesday 11-8-2016. Please excuse _____________ from work/school/etc. on Wednesday 11-9-2016.

They are being big whiney crybabies because their candidate did not win and they are not fit to come to work.  They need the day to learn how to put their big adult pants on and deal with life.

Thank You and have a great day.



Thursday, November 3, 2016

Excuse note for the Chicago Cubs parade and rally from the Goat

To Whom It May Concern:

Hi this is the goat and in case you haven’t heard my curse has been broken and the Cubs won the World Series.  This is a huge deal.  It was 108 years in the making with 71 of them being cursed by me.  So please excuse _____________ from work/school/etc. on Friday 11/4/16 for the Parade/Rally in Chicago, IL.

So please allow them to come so they can finally kick my ass to the curb and celebrate in true Chicago style.

Thank You and have a great day.


The Billy Goat and the World Series Chicago Cubs

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

It's not like this is gonna happen, so suck it up

People, really come on.  Nothing is that bad that you cannot deal with it for a period of time.    No one’s left nipple fell off because someone said Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays.  You didn’t lose your left eyebrow and the right one turned lime green because you missed your TV show.  Nor did your head turn into a piece of pie.  This, by the way, would make feeding yourself so much easier because you can eat your face.  What happens after it’s all been eaten is beyond me.  You’re on your own with that one.  But I'd be prepared for anything if I was your goofy ass.

Point of the matter is no matter who wins the World Series or the election nothing major is going to happen.  People may say they will leave the county but they won’t because they are all talk and no action.  It’s not like arms are going to grow out of your butt so you can no longer sit down.  But if it did happen think how about much easier wiping your ass would be.  That would a great thing to happen.  Not to mention being able to grab things behind you.  

So suck it up and deal with whatever happens.  If you don’t want to then suck donkey balls and grow some feet out of your head so you can walk differently than the rest of us.

Monday, October 31, 2016

Happy Halloween-The Halloween Letter

Billy Bob has taken his comedy tour back out to the depths of the ocean.  Literally, he has been entertaining the sharks, shrimp, and seaweed across the oceans.  He even has a great following in the Antarctic Ocean.  His sister Ursula has finally has had success with her crops on her orange farm in Alaska.  The oranges look like tire wheels, the turnips and Brussel sprouts are shaped like q-tips.  The only way to tell what they are is by the color. 

The twins, Agnes and Augustus have been doing great with the butterflies and roses in Antarctica.  They are in full color now and the penguins and seals are now running thru the fields of roses chasing butterflies.  They also love that they can also get their hair done and their cars repairs since the twins have finished their online classes. 

Buck the golden retriever is still going strong with his fish grooming business.  He has hired more fish and some fleas to help him groom on Mars and has also opened a shop on Pluto.

Skippy the Iguana has given up his garbage and recycle project in space.  He has decided to go the moon and help the man on the moon process cheese to send to other galaxies since they appear to love moon cheese.

The dirt farm has been a wonderful investment.  People from all over the universe have come to get the dirt and flour that I produce.  Some use it for their projects to build space ships and snowmen.  Others want it to start their own dirt farms.  All in all it is working out.

Now I’m off to chase the fuzzy bunnies and chairs to make sure they are joining the circus or the underwater gymnastics team.

Monday, October 24, 2016

She-Crab soup and texting

I have an uncle who loves She-Crab soup.  Every time he visits my mom and step-father he eats it about every day he's there.  So while I was visiting my mom asked I take a picture and send it to him. I was OK but I don't have his number so I'll send it to the aunt to show him.  So I sent it to the aunt and my mom.  So the aunt comes back with this doesn't make any sense Missy.  I was like that doesn't sound like how the aunt talks,  Then I noticed I sent it to the wrong aunt.  Opps..Just another blonde moment.

Monday, October 17, 2016

Good thing I can post these here

Some days duct tape cannot fix stupid.  Then they should just be fired or shipped off to space.

What’s the point of a debate if one person is going to mudsling causing the other to defend themselves and mudsling back?

Keep talking softly, so I have to ask you to repeat yourself multiple times.  Then I’ll talk softer so you don’t know if I’m talking at all.

The presidential race would be more interesting if it was like TV shows survivor or big brother.  Last person standing wins.

Yes, I have a sparkling personality that has a weird, dry sense of humor.  If you don’t like it then suck donkey balls.

You want normal please leave the planet and visit Uranus.

Come on people the shirt only comes in 1 color why are you so indecisive on the colors?  Take or leave it.

The hard drive in my brain is full please and it is not accepting any more drama or bullshit.

Really, you just started working here Ms. Know-It-All.  So zip it. Thanks!

Friday, October 14, 2016

The things that pop into my head

Oh peeps the brain isn't working. I think there are some gold fish swimming in my head. I wonder if they'd like a steak dinner.

Rode my hamster wheel aka the bike and wouldn't you know it 7 four year olds passed me. And they were only walking.

If only I could wear a long skirt and a big blouse with a lot of necklaces and bracelets. Then add the big 80's hair. What a great look that would be?  I could be leader of the 80's gypsies.

Yep I can blink my eyes and make stuff happen. You can't see it because it's in my head.

Now where did I leave my eyes?

Who thought getting my ears pierced 5 times was a good idea. I should have pierced my hair 5 times.

Blue mascara was awesome. I need to find it so I can wear it with my skirt and big blouse.

So if the world is round do we really walk straight?

If the world was flat would there be a fence to stop things from falling off the edge?

One day the one blonde brain cell will multiply.  When it does watch out something stupid funny may happen.

The fish have moved on to a new fishbowl.  Maybe more blond brain cells will multiply since the fish are gone.

Purple cats don't like to be chased by lime green monkeys.

I do not think I have ever seen a purple cat, unless it fell into a pitcher of grape Kool aide.

Blinking my eyes does not make magic happen, it is done with my nose.

I'm very adorable and cuddly. Just ask the willow tree over there.

Saying, go suck donkey balls, is a lot funnier to say then go to hell.

When I buy a new car I think it should be bubble wrapped for the first year.

Good thing about having an elephant in your house making a mess, he can also clean it up by knocking it down.

Heads have enough holes in them to be bowling balls.  Just take some sandpaper and sand down the nose and ears.

One word meow, it must be a pretty boring conversation.

Nah, I'm not strange I'm eccentric and I'm fine with it.

Does an elephant get another trunk when he goes on vacation or does he pack the one he has?

There are monkeys are in my head eating popcorn and watching movies.

Stop sucking my blood you vampire. You have your own so drink it.

My DVR is hoarding the TV show Hoarders. I think it needs an intervention.

Ever see an ant and an elephant play leapfrog. Me neither.

I have so much sparkle that when I fart, I fart sparkles.

Purple sparkles come out when I blow my nose.

Sparkles, Sparkles, and more sparkles.  They make everything prettier.

The ant and elephant playing leapfrog is still on tour.

There’s a new tour of the year, a bee and a horse singing a duet.

I think there should be a tour of bees buzzing.  I’m sure they have some good hits.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

I have been in space working. Not!

If only I was in space working, I'd probably enjoy it more.  With the way the earthlings have been maybe they should be in space.  They have been so cranky that even duct tape cannot fix it and that fixes most anything.  At least in my mind it does.  If you have to be cranky then lock yourself in your house and eat a tub of ice cream like the rest of us do.  Now if your ass is lactose intolerant then find something else like a hamburger. But calm the crap down people.

Thank you and have a great day.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Please let me say these

Really I’d sell more if my items were free.  Hello, crazy man that would be samples and I am not giving out samples.  Do you not realize people are here with a product to sell it not give it away and give them away to freeloaders?

Just because I sell food items does not mean I offer samples.  Do I look like I am running a restaurant?

Maybe if you took me off of speaker I wouldn’t have to ask you to repeat yourself, so don’t get aggravated with me.

Saying my name 10 times on a 4 minute phone call is a tad much.  I don’t think I knew my name that I’ve had for 45 years before you called.

When I ask for your account number I do no need your phone number.  Please pay attention.

Oh, I didn’t realize I was supposed to remember everybody’s account number that I talk to you.

Suck it up buttercup it’s the season of people fighting over the presidential candidates.  So don’t pull me into the mix of mudslinging.

No one has to make me look immature and funny, I do that on my own.

If you are too tired or hung over to talk then don’t call to place an order.

Really if I had an exact date I wouldn’t be telling you the item is available early October.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Take this you grammar police

Yes, we all make grammar mistakes.  For me if I'm writing a professional paper I will proofread and edit until all the mistakes are fixed.  But to this grammar police who feel it's ok to correct everything little thing I have 3 words. GET OVER IT!! Below is a perfect example where my misspelled word was found as funny and was not corrected by my 5th grade teacher. In fact she made a joke in the comments.

I'm looking for new shoes to watch. What's goood? And go.
Renee Kempiak Marotto I like to watch flip flops. They're my favorite, really. It's a bummer when winter comes around and I can't wear them anymore because then I don't get to watch others wear them either. Sigh....
Nicole Weilandt I love you!!! Smartass.
Renee Kempiak Marotto Right back at you 
LikeReply23 hrs
Kelly Fleck
Write a reply...
Kelly Fleck My stupid typos shows.
Renee Kempiak Marotto I love being a smartass sometimes 
Kelly Fleck I just laugh at my typos. Jeanne Nickell Tobie do you miss rhem
Renee Kempiak Marotto So do I! I've had some real doozy's lol!
Kelly Fleck I chalk it up to my sparkling and witty personality.
Renee Kempiak Marotto Yes indeed!! Sorry I don't have any real shows to share with you. I watch reruns of Friends constantly, so I don't branch out too much lol!
Kelly Fleck
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Kizi Duffy Lol!! The shoes comment made my night. Mine are the same ole. Walking Dead, Greys Anatomy, How to Get Away with Murder, Fear the Walking Dead, Talking Dead, The Affair, Homeland, Bones and The View. That's about all I watch.
LikeReply23 hrs
Kizi Duffy Oh and The Voice.
LikeReply23 hrs
Jenn Sennett There a few new shows starting I will be trying out... on abc,nbc and cbs
LikeReply17 hrs
Jean Walsh I don't usually watch shoes, I'd rather go barefoot
LikeReply16 hrs
Genevieve Victoria Dancing with the stars!
LikeReply15 hrs
Jessica Best You can always watch my shoes, they're so pretty
LikeReply115 hrs
Felicia Ratajczyk Omg Renee Kempiak Marotto! I'm dying over here. I think I'm crying I'm laughing so hard.
UnlikeReply314 hrs