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Monday, July 24, 2017
This weekend the boyfriend and I went down to one of beaches in the city. Now if your familiar with Chicago you may know that not all the beaches have sand. The one we stopped at just had a big slab of cement that you could jump off of into the water and there were ladders that you could use to climb out of the water. Well we grab our cooler and walk down we see someone swimming and don’t think much about it until he climbs out of the water in his underwear and walks to his stuff. I’m thinking why the hell are you wearing white underwear when you went swimming. You should have kept your shorts on because no one wants to see your junk. Then he proceeds to ask us if we have a cigarette. Really dude I really don’t want to be talking to you while you’re in your wet tightie whities. Se we walk a little way down from him and we get settled and I happen to glance down to see if we can see the Ferris wheel at Navy Pier and all I saw was his naked butt. It’s not like this guy was some Greek god or even semi good looking. So keep your shorts on while swimming.
My head is still shaking in disbelief of the whole incident.
Monday, July 17, 2017
Hey, ignorant purple assholes the world does not wait just for you to call. If you call in asking to be transferred to someone and you get their voicemail, it really is ok to leave them a message. You don’t have to hang up and call back right away. I highly doubt with all that is sparkly in the world, that they are off the phone in that half a minute it took you to call back in. So please leave them a message with what you are needing and no I don’t know how long it will take them to call you back. I am not their keeper here are work nor do I care to follow them with my head up their arse. As much fun as that sounds I have better things to do. Like cleaning up some elephant poop and making sculptures out of it. So please learn how the real world works so I don’t have to live in a makeup world in my head because you all don’t know how to handle shit.
So here’s a little tip-leave messages and you will get your answers. Calling every 15 seconds only aggravates you and gives us something to laugh at. Yes, that happens because we need some comic relief. Because when you start talking fast and raising your voice you start sounding like Alvin and the chipmunks.
Thursday, July 13, 2017
Not sure what my sparkly self was thinking years ago. I started looking back at my blog and thought what the heck was I thinking. Now I know I can have typing errors. Sometimes they make the story funnier. Like when I say bust instead of must. Other times it’s just painful to read. Plus, the fact that my posts were really short and boring. I am not sure if anyone has gone back to read the blogs in the beginning or not but I’d avoid it. Or if you want go ahead and see what could make you laugh or cringe. From the views lately some peeps are reading the blogs. So I must have been doing something right.
There are still a few that make me chuckle. Like how long it took me to get out of the house with a baby. Most people can get out in less than a day. Those people are called parents not Aunties. Of course I could go back and add more confetti to the posts but that would take some of the charm out of them or it would make them glitter more.
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
I woke up to a friend request and a message from Jayden K Smith. I didn’t freak out and I took a chance and accepted his friend request and messaged him back. He wanted to take me to lunch and then shopping on Amazon since it’s Amazon Prime day. After that we are going to hit the pool and have tropical drinks. It’s going to be a fun filled day. I am going to treat him to dinner and dancing tonight on the moon. I heard they have a great disco-tech up there and it’s always hopping day or night. We can mingle with all the other glamorous aliens that we meet and we can invite them back to earth so they can be seen and maybe live down here.
I can picture it now. The wedding will take place on the Starship Enterprise in another galaxy. We will start adopting fish and moon rocks and raise them on earth like they are our biological children. We will have a summer home in the Mariana Trench and a winter home down in Antarctica. It will be a fun filled life with lots of confetti. It’s going to be spectacular.
So all you peeps who thought this was a hoax the joke is on you. I am going to live a great life. I'm so happy I could sparkle across the oceans.
Monday, July 10, 2017
Wow. It's been a whole week since I last blogged. What have you all been reading since my sparkly self didn't have anything to say. Ok it's not that I didn't have anything to say its that one blonde brain cell was so focused on work and it couldn't handle anything else. Ok not the truth, I just got busy. Either that or I have been scuba diving in the pool looking for new ocean life. Well, there was a new type of elephant at the bottom of the pool.
Some things that may have come out of my mouth.
Some things that may have come out of my mouth.
I want to be a gypsy when I grow up.
Someone needs to shake some sprinkles on people. Either that or people need to take the cranky stick out of their ass.
If I ever burst the world would be filled with glitter and it’d be a happier place.
If you think I’m being rude wait until the sprinkles come off. Then you’re not going to know what slapped you upside your head.
If you don’t laugh daily, you’ll shrivel up like a prune.
Glue is what holds the glitter on. Where you put it is up to you.
Part of my brain is filled with sprinkles. That’s why my eyes sparkle and I fart sparkles.
While some may think I’m a little immature, I look at myself as having a sparkling personality.
Sunday, July 2, 2017
The things that come out of kids mouths crack me up. Last fall I was at the corn with my family. I was in the bouncy thing with my 5 year old nephew Aloysius and 3 year old niece Hortencia, when Aloysius asks me if I had a butt crack. All I could so is laugh for a minute before answering yes. Then we went back to jumping.
Back when I was 18/19 years old I was babysitting and the kid was potty training and would not have a bowel movement on the toilet. He would always ask for a diaper. Well I asked why he always wanted one and he said with a straight face I am afraid because it floats. I said there is nothing to be afraid of that is normal and it is what is supposed to do. Then I went into the other room and laughed.
On my 41 birthday I was playing tag with my niece and nephew and I was it. My 5 year old nephew says "auntie Kelly I want to give you a hug.". I was like ok and I bent down and he comes over and leans in and yells "tag your it." I stood there like hello I'm already it and I just got suckered. It was pretty funny.
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
What is wrong with you crazy people, $186 for a paperclip? Ok so it’s a Prada paperclip that’s a money clip. I’m lucky I have $2 in my purse so there is no way my 2 singles are going in a money clip that costs $186. That amount usually lasts about 3 seconds in my account. What I have bills to pay and things I need and want. Yes, I have spent money on Coach purses but it’s usually from the outlet store when they are having a great sale and I have a coupon. Plus, a purse can carry a whole lot more. Like makeup, a wallet, diapers, checkbook, vibrators, and a comb. All stuff that comes in handy on a daily basis. It’s not like you can put that Prada paperclip money clip around all that.
So while all you fashionistas are spending that money on a paperclip, I will use my purse and keep my pet giraffe in it. That way she’s always with me.