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Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Hey you. Yes you

Hey you.  Yes, you.  Do you think that there is no charge for shipping?  Do you think that things just show up at no charge?  Heck no.  The product cost money and show does shipping.  You know this because you are in business like the rest of us.  Do you actually thing threatening not to order again if the shipping isn’t waived might do something?  That is not how business works.  If you are unsure, please start over and learn how to do it right.

Everybody is acting like the world is going to end on January 20.  Nope it’s not going to happen.  The world didn’t end on the last inauguration day.  Hell people, the world didn’t end during the last 57 inaugurations.  Yes, things may change during the next 4 years but it’s not going to happen overnight.  Some good things will happen and some bad things will happen.  Just like during every other president tenure.  So suck it up people and move on.  Instead of doing negative things like destroying things during protests why not go and help someone in need like a homeless person.  There are many worthwhile organizations that need help.  So step out of your negativity and move towards a positive thing.

Ok jackass.  You’re going to get pissed because I asked you to slow down when you called in your order.  I did apologize and ask that you go slower. I am only making sure that I get all the correct information so that you get your order correct.  But go ahead at the speed of light and you will not know what your ordered with me until you open the box.

Really people the phone rang one or two times and when I answer the first thing out of your mouth is oh your back from your break.  I’m like no we have a full house and we are all taking calls.

Just call me baked and done with the day.  Tomorrow will bring a whole new world of wackiness.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Really just stop talking shit and other things

Yes, we need all the information for the items you are ordering.  We are not mind readers so we don’t know what colors or sizes you need.  If you want, we could send you 1 of each item that we sell.  You may end up with some wonderful items for your customers.

If people have to create a new profile for every position they apply for then you are not worth having them work for you.  Just saying.

Sucking up will get you nowhere.  Expect a new shade of lipstick.

If you’re still coughing that hard there’s an issue.  Go do something about it.  No one wants your germs.

If you have to talk crap about someone then expect karma to come around and hit you in the ass. 

Hey if you’re going to offer to pick up Starbucks offer it to everyone jackass.

You’re sweet innocent act cannot last for long.  People can see right through it since you talk shit about everything.

You never know I may call you out on your shit one day.  

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Step it up people I need things to say

For some reason people have not been bugging me so my list is short and sweet.  People just need to step it up so I have something.

Ewww, you’re going to eat that shrimp after its been sitting out for who knows how long.  Here’s some money for Uber to take you the nearest emergency room.

The sign on the self-checkout register says closed.  Go ahead and keep scanning your items with that goofy look on your face.

If you feel the need to gossip you better be ready to feel the wrath of karma coming around to flick you in your eyeball. 

If you’re now speed talking you must have aced the speed reading class.  Slow down your mouth isn’t on fire.

Monday, January 9, 2017

Putting away the Christmas village people and their houses

This weekend all the Christmas people went back into their boxes.  I put away my Christmas village so don’t go thinking crazy things on me.  Every year for about 20 years I put up a Christmas village.  It started out small and got pretty big.  Then I moved and ran out of room so I kept a few of my favorites and gave the rest to family.  This way my village people could take road trips to visit their village family and friends at their new houses.

It was a lot of fun to see it once it was up and seeing people’s faces looking at all the buildings, people and cars moving around.  The people would run all over the village and even the big house.  Mainly the moved because the cats or a human would move them.  It’s not like they were moving on their own.  It would have been funny if they did.  That would freak a few people out.

I’ve seen people who keep villages up year round.  They change out buildings for the season.  I’m like that’s a lot of work.  They all look great and wonderful but I am too lazy to keep it up year round and then having to dust around it.  It would drive me crazy because I’d be moving everything all the time to find the perfect place for everything.  Plus, I’d get bored with where everything was and I start moving things all over the big house and then I’d give up and stop moving things and dusting.  It would then get cob webs look like a haunt village.  That would be perfect for Halloween.  So until then my village people and their houses will be in storage until next Christmas. 

Friday, January 6, 2017

Fashion shows at fitness gyms

Hey you, yes you with the perfect hair and makeup.  Yes, you the one on the bike barely peddling.  If your worried about messing up the hair and makeup you are in the wrong place.  Is the gym supposed to be a fashion show?  If so I’m in the wrong place to get fit.  I go in without makeup on and my hair in a ponytail and mismatched clothes.

Actually that could be a new venue for fashion models and fashion shows.  The walls could be bedazzled with big fake gemstones covered with glitter.  Then a few disco balls hanging on the ceiling with various colored strobe lights mixed in.  Seating for the guests would be along the outside wall of the gym and the seats would be spin bikes.   There would be fake palm trees and cacti with Christmas light on them throughout the room.   Maybe even an Italian fountain in the center of the room. Models would be in the center on treadmill, bikes, and weight machines and would strut their stuff on cat walks between machines.  Models would be modeling anything from full length ball gowns, swim suits and business suits.

Waiters/waitresses’ would be on roller skates decked out in disco outfits or in referee outfits serving drinks and appetizers.  Hey an idea, have some of the models on skates too.  The ones wearing ball gowns.  Instead of carrying a purse they can carry a dildo.  It’d be a sight for the eyes that’s for sure.

In the background country music would be playing and once in a while a rap song would be in the mix.  I’m guessing that threw you off more that the models carrying dildos instead of purses.  Maybe it was the cacti with Christmas lights on it that make you ponder.  Well someone has to think of these things so people have something to talk about to go visit to not workout and sweat.  Being in a place like this will keep you smelling good and looking good because you are not working out.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

The after effects of the holidays and winter

Ah the joys of a new year and all the after effects of the holiday: the bills, the weight gain, the family fights.  Not to mention being off of your schedule because of days off and shortened work days.  Then you get back to normal and your like what the heck I want to be off.  It’s a tug of war that sucks donkey balls.  Then you start making new year’s resolutions that last maybe the entire month of January, like going to the gym.  You sign up and start going only to find that its packed because everyone has had the same idea.  You stop going without realizing that if you just hung on to that treadmill a little longer the gym would clear out after a month and you have your choice of bikes and the regulars would have gotten used to you by now and not giving you the look of death.

Then comes the winter blues.  You are tired of being stuck in the house because there is 25 feet of snow blocking your door.  The only way to dig out is with a teaspoon and you have no place to put the snow other than the kitchen sick because it can melt down the drain.  You try this for about a week only to realize its faster to let it melt naturally because using a vibrator only creates a pile of snow in the house and you don’t have enough batteries to go past the porch.  When it all finally melts you are like Yippee and start running around like a crazy person with your hands over your head.  Then comes the lawn mowing and the lawn is super long and green from the 60 feet of snow that was on top of it.  It’s one big party year after year or one be whine fest with cheese.

Friday, December 30, 2016

To ring in the new year with a bang or a gong

To go out with a bang or not too.  This year I think it will be a quiet night at my house.  I have no desire to go out and ring in the new year.  Every place will be busier than usual and people will be sloppy drunk.  Oh hell, they could even be sloppy sober too depending on where you go.  Sometimes going to bars and such is actually funny.  People start drinking and they get stupid or emotional.  They are swinging from the ceiling, while hugging and kissing each other.  Then someone will be walking through the bar naked and no one blinking an eye at it because they are laying on the drinking their drinks and counting the elephants that go by yelling out that they don’t use dildos or vibrators.  Because the real thing is better.

The dolphins will come walking by in their tuxedos and their prom dresses throwing confetti and sprinkles at everyone.  Fairies will come by and use their fairy dust to pick it all up and send it out to the moon for the moon creatures to use as farming material and to make the moon sparkle and shine in the sunlight.  They are always grateful for this as being on a moon with nothing is kind of boring.

So with all that going on I will be on the couch eating pizza and drinking Champagne and watching some mindless TV.  I won’t have to drive anywhere or worry as the walk from the couch to the bedroom is 50-60 feet.  Who could beat that?  I can Face-time with family and friends and have just as a good time if we were out and in the same town. I doubt any ducks will be waddling through my apartment with a rain jacket and an umbrella.  If they do I’ll be sure to snap a picture after I ring the gong.