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Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Clogging toilets and sounding like my father

So clogging toilets is a genetic thing.  Hey my brother and I used to clog toilets and his kids do too.  One day I was watching my nephew Aloysius and my niece Hortencia because their parents were off somewhere doing who knows what.  Hortencia and I were doing crafts at the kitchen table and Aloysius was watching TV.  So I thought he was watching TV until I hear him yell, “Auntie, Auntie the toilet’s broke.”  I walk down to the bathroom with Hortencia running behind me.  What she was 3 and had little legs and she needs to see everything that’s going on.  I walk into the bathroom to see him standing against the wall with just his shirt on looking at all the water in the toilet.  The water was up to the rim and there was nothing else in the toilet but water.  I grab the plunger and start plunging and he says you’re doing it wrong.  Really I’m the queen of clogging toilets and your dad is king.  As I stand there plunging, I start telling him the same exact lecture I got as a kid.  If you poop you flush, then wipe then flush again and wipe and flush again if needed. 

That’s when I realized that I sounded just like my dad.  I was like so maybe it’s not a genetic thing, but more of a kid thing.   But it seems like everyone blames everything genetics it seems like. 

Monday, May 22, 2017

Rompers for men. What??!?!! Good luck peeing….

Really, rompers for men.  Like it isn’t ridiculous for a woman to be wearing one but a man.  Some days it’s hard enough to do the zipper and button for a bathroom break.  Especially when beer is involved.  A lot of us have been there, doing that pottie dance when a few beers are involved.  But that’s a story for another time.  I for one am not going to completely get naked just to pee.  If anyone says there are snaps in the crotch so you can pee, I’ll hand you a bottle and a pacifier and your outfit will be complete.  Just don’t ask me to change your diaper.  Because who wants to try and re-snap that after going.  I mean I cannot even snap my niece’s onesie right after a diaper change.


I don’t see how grown ass men are modeling these and not having their man card taken away.  They all look ridiculous and like they are hairy 4 year olds.  Now I am not a fashion statement but I work in a hardware store where I do get dirty so it’s not like I can wear a prom dress or even a wedding dress for that matter.  But I wear jeans and a t-shirt there and I look perfect for the job.  No one would want to see a grown ass adult walking through a hardware store wearing a romper.


Then there’s the cold should look I’ve been seeing in the plus sized clothing store I shop in.  Really no one wants to see my fatty shoulders or my bra straps.  Heck, I don’t want to see anyone’s bra straps anyways.  Just as long as no one combines the cold should look with the rompers then we will be good.   But I wouldn’t be surprised if it did happen since someone came out with parachute pants in the 1980’s

Friday, May 19, 2017

Hey cranky people stay away from my sparkling personality

Dealing with the public is starting to take its toll on my sparkling personality.  You people need to stop being so demanding and cranky.  Take a chill pill and relax a little.  Do you think if you are nice that you’ll fall off the face of the earth?  Note the earth is round, so the only way you’ll fall of is if the earth speeds up and then we all would be flung into outer space.  Talk about space garbage, all the planets and aliens would be dodging a lot of earth’s junk.  Things I’ve wanted to say all week but didn’t.  Primarily because my butt has fallen asleep and the sparkles have gone rogue.  Plus, I like my jobs.

Really you don’t know how to say Hi when someone answers the phone.  You should move to mars.  Then your manners will come in handy.

Of course I need your account number, but can you at least say Hi when I answer.

You can surely ask me a question about an invoice without giving me your account number or invoice number.  You won’t get an answer about it since I have nothing to look at.

Hey, if you were paying more attention to your kid then your phone maybe, then I the store employee, wouldn’t have to say something when he starts climbing on the self-check-out register.  So take your dirty looks and go to Pluto.

If you give a group of people a project, don’t expect it to be 100% perfect.  If you want it 100% your way, then do it yourself.

Waving items in my face while at self-checkout is not going to make be scan your items without an attitude.  It’s self-checkout for a reason.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Toilet paper and the middle school

I had my fair share of fun that didn’t get me in trouble.  But it could have.  Like when I was a freshman in high school my 3 friends and I one September Saturday night decided to toilet paper the middle school we went to.  Now I am the only one who didn’t live 1 block away from the school, but Bertha, Brunhilda, and Ernestina all did.  Now we were staying at Brunhilda’s house since we always hung out in the family room when we were at her house.  It also helped there was a sliding glass door that led outside.  It was always easy to get out of that house it seemed.  Her mom and stepfather were either on the floor above us or in bed 2 floors above us.  So there we were, 4 girls toilet papering the front of the school.  No one said we were the brightest.  We were 14 years old for Pete’s sake and it was 1985.  We were probably high on hairspray.  I turn around and see a cop car coming down the street.  I yell cop and 3 of us duck behind the bushes and there’s Brunhilda standing smack dab in a light going Huh?!?!?!  She then falls to the ground.  The cop passes and we take off running into the 3-hole golf course that surrounds the school.  We run through it and make it back to Brunhilda’s house.  We go about out night talking about boys and doing makeup.  The rest of the weekend goes on without anyone saying anything.  My brother comes home from school on Monday and was all excited because someone toilet papered.  He’s going on and on at dinner.  Later that night I pulled him aside and told him that it Bertha, Brunhilda, Ernestina, and I that did it.


A few years later my brother egged a rival high school and took off running and broke his elbow.  I don’t think he listened to my entire toilet paper story because we didn’t break anything.  

Friday, May 12, 2017

Graduation season and me

The month of graduations are here.  Whether is kindergarten, grade school, high school, or college.  Yes, I have been through all of them.  Kindergarten I really don’t remember.  Hey I was 5 and while my memory is like an elephant’s I do forgot some things.  Grade school I remember and one would think we were all dying the way we were crying and carrying.  It was like we were never ever going to see each other.  For crying out loud it was 8th graduation and we were all going to going to the same high school.  But all the pictures from back then show our faces are red, wet, and puffy.  Hell some of us hung out all summer swimming and hanging at the mall.

High school graduation was a whole other story.  My best friend drove us to where gradation was and I think we were even late and it wasn’t because we were goofing around at the senior breakfast.  At thought point we just wanted to be done with school.  Plus, I think we were too busy doing our hair and makeup.  Don’t judge it was 1989 and part of it was having big hair, bright clothes and a ton of makeup on.  Since there were too many kids graduating there wasn’t enough room at the school, we graduated at a place called Popular Creek.  It was an outdoor concert venue that has since closed.  I was just happy to walking on a stage that had so many bands play on it.  The class clown let 12 white mice loose during the ceremony.  So there was that excitement.  That class clown now owns his own logistics company.

I went to community college for a year after high school and didn’t go far.  Heck I didn’t know what I wanted to do when I grew up.  So I worked and had fun.  I finally went back to college at 27 and graduated at 30 with a bachelor’s degree.  I, of course had worked my butt off not to mention my fingers to get that degree.  So I cried a little and then had a party at the house that my parents threw for me.  A few years after that I went back and got my MBA and just had them mail it to me.  I didn’t want to deal with all the pomp and circumstance. 

After all that, I am not doing what I got my degrees in.  I did for a number of years and it has helped move me along in my career path.  Now that I am in my 40’s I am comfortable in doing what I do and I have this sparkly blog that I love.  Hey what can I say it has taken me years to figure all this out.  I don’t know how kids now a days figure it out.  I mean they just finished a ton of school and have to think about more school.  Heck I wasn’t mature enough back then to dedicate myself to figure it out and not sure I am now.  If have read this blog you have gotten a glimpse of my quirkiness. 

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Thongs verses Floss

Thongs are just floss for your ass and they are the most uncomfortable things ever.  They are worse than wearing an over the shoulder boulder holder aka the bra.  Other than flossing your booty, it’s like wearing a Band-Aid over your private area.  For what it’s worth, you could go commando and be more comfortable.  Whether you are going commando or wearing a thong people still see all your bits when you lose your pants.  What haven’t you ever lost your pants when jumping in a pool of sparkles and glitter or when you are dancing at the bar?  Then I wonder how to you function when it’s that time of the month.  Do you go to granny panties until it over?  Oh wait, since it’s like wearing a Band-Aid that would cover that time of the month.  Just seems that the floss would interfere with it.  No thank you, I’ll stick to the grannie panties any day of the week.  That way when I lose my pants doing a jig down the highway no one will see my bits.  Plus, I can have different sayings on them.  Who wouldn’t want a pair of panties that say “Hi thanks for not staring at my sparkly bits.” or “Follow me to the pool.”

Friday, May 5, 2017

Slug bugs and 1980's hair

For the last 2 years of high school my best friend drove me to school.  We took the same route every day.  One would think I would know what was coming.  But no everyday day I forgot.  It kind of was like groundhog day.  Every day we would drive past one particular house and she would hit me and say slug bug.  I was always like what the fudge how do I forget that.  She was like cause your blonde.  Not only was there one Volkswagen bug but 2, 1 blue and 1 yellow.  Not to mention she picked me up at 7 am since school started at 7:20 am and I was up at 5 am getting ready for school.  Why 5 am you ask?  Because it was the late 1980’s and it was the height of big hair and a full faces of makeup.  I needed that time to get ready for school.  Of course for one semester it was only to have gym first period.  So all that work went to waste until I figured out how to do the minimum and still pass without wrecking all my hard work.