Tuesday, January 31, 2017

When the blonde brain isn't producing

Yes, there are times when I have nothing.  The fish have gone dormant in the brain.  Hey it happens.  My blonde brain can’t work all the time.  If it does it can overheat and the sparkles and confetti start coming out of every hole in my head including my piercings.  Yes, that can happen.  Maybe I can turn myself into a 1-person circus act.  The One Blonde Brain Cell show-The Blondest Show in the Universe.  I wouldn’t need a big venue.  Just a stage to put my hippo on who is paying leap frog with a frog, a horse and a flea.

I’m thinking I may have to walk around some of the protests with rainbows coming out of my butt and sparkles out of my nose and confetti out of my ears.  Maybe that will calm their asses down enough not to do property damage.  If not, it’ll give them something to talk about.  I can bring the One Blonde Brain Cell show with me.  Could be fun and definitely entertaining.

Friday, January 27, 2017

If board games were played live or with new twists and a trampoline

If life was like the Candy Land game, we would all be sticky.  Just saying.

If the Chutes and Ladders game was turned into a ride we would all need a motion sickness patch.

It’s not a good idea to play a live version of Candy Land and Twister together.  You would end up a game burrito.

The should add a shaking feature to the games Hungry Hungry Hippo and Operation.  Imagine how much harder they would be.

Jumping on a trampoline without a bra on is just asking for a few black eyes.  Unless of course you have no boobs, then jump away.

Yep, there’s fish swimming around in my head.  Either that or I’m a blonde and things just happen.  Like forgetting to put shoes on and going for a 2-mile hike.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Being blonde doesn't stupid in my case it means funny

Don’t underestimate anyone who acts blonde.  A lot of us know what’s going on in the world we just don’t always vocalize it.  In my case I go out and volunteer.  It is my way of changing the world.  I just feel that actions speak louder than words.  Yes, I am educated and at times do not feel the need to use it.  Do I say the wrong things at the wrong time?  Yes, and sometimes it gets a chuckle.  Like when making a speech and I say bust instead of must.  Now this was during an 8th grade English class so it got laughs but it was still embarrassing.  If memory serves me right, I was making a speech on taking care of cats and I was saying you must give them fresh water and food daily.

Do I get offended by the blonde jokes or comments?  Heck no and not to mention I wear my big girl pants every day.  I know I have a brain and use it daily so jokes and comments don’t get me down.  In fact, I make them myself.  I do use being a blonde once in a while.  Sometimes it’s easier than trying to explain why I think the way I do.  Plus, at times it gets your something like a sparkly personality or the Barrel of Monkey’s game.  Other times it’s just because I don’t want to deal with the stupid people.  Hey it works try it sometime.  You may love it and use it all the time.

With my writing I’m aware of my grammar issues.  Am I proud of it nope?  Those who know me and my quirkiness get a kick out of it.  But those of you who don’t know me, you may think I’m just uneducated.  I know it sends the grammar Nazis into some kind of fit of galactic proportions, but that is sometimes funny to see.  If we all lived in the primp and proper world what kind of fun would we be having.  Sometimes just being yourself and not always watching how you say something is when the laughs really come.

So I am taking my blondness to a funny and lighthearted level.  Everybody needs a good laugh to balance out the crap that goes on in the world and in life.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Please I'm begging let me say these out loud

If you cough between every word, you might want someone else to make your phone calls for you.  Just saying.

Yes, the presidential inauguration is important but do your job and work.  It will be all over the news tonight when you get home.

Really people you cannot take the empty toilet paper roll and throw it away.  Does it have your peepee cooties?

Really.  People just want to get in and out and not be asked a million and 1 questions when they are buying their screws and nails or their clothes.  Just saying.

Don’t tell me what I should be offended by.  I have my own feelings and a very great mind.  If you don’t like that I’m not offended by the same stuff as you, then suck up and walk away.

If you have to damage property to get your point across, then don’t wonder why people look down on you.  Just saying.

Oh do I sound a little jaded.  Maybe it’s because you’re not using a vibrator on a regular basis to realize that I’m just sick and tired of stupid people.

If you have to spray half a can of Lysol, please go home to do your business because there’s a fog of Lysol that we are walking into.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Hey you. Yes you

Hey you.  Yes, you.  Do you think that there is no charge for shipping?  Do you think that things just show up at no charge?  Heck no.  The product cost money and show does shipping.  You know this because you are in business like the rest of us.  Do you actually thing threatening not to order again if the shipping isn’t waived might do something?  That is not how business works.  If you are unsure, please start over and learn how to do it right.

Everybody is acting like the world is going to end on January 20.  Nope it’s not going to happen.  The world didn’t end on the last inauguration day.  Hell people, the world didn’t end during the last 57 inaugurations.  Yes, things may change during the next 4 years but it’s not going to happen overnight.  Some good things will happen and some bad things will happen.  Just like during every other president tenure.  So suck it up people and move on.  Instead of doing negative things like destroying things during protests why not go and help someone in need like a homeless person.  There are many worthwhile organizations that need help.  So step out of your negativity and move towards a positive thing.

Ok jackass.  You’re going to get pissed because I asked you to slow down when you called in your order.  I did apologize and ask that you go slower. I am only making sure that I get all the correct information so that you get your order correct.  But go ahead at the speed of light and you will not know what your ordered with me until you open the box.

Really people the phone rang one or two times and when I answer the first thing out of your mouth is oh your back from your break.  I’m like no we have a full house and we are all taking calls.

Just call me baked and done with the day.  Tomorrow will bring a whole new world of wackiness.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Really just stop talking shit and other things

Yes, we need all the information for the items you are ordering.  We are not mind readers so we don’t know what colors or sizes you need.  If you want, we could send you 1 of each item that we sell.  You may end up with some wonderful items for your customers.

If people have to create a new profile for every position they apply for then you are not worth having them work for you.  Just saying.

Sucking up will get you nowhere.  Expect a new shade of lipstick.

If you’re still coughing that hard there’s an issue.  Go do something about it.  No one wants your germs.

If you have to talk crap about someone then expect karma to come around and hit you in the ass. 

Hey if you’re going to offer to pick up Starbucks offer it to everyone jackass.

You’re sweet innocent act cannot last for long.  People can see right through it since you talk shit about everything.

You never know I may call you out on your shit one day.  

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Step it up people I need things to say

For some reason people have not been bugging me so my list is short and sweet.  People just need to step it up so I have something.

Ewww, you’re going to eat that shrimp after its been sitting out for who knows how long.  Here’s some money for Uber to take you the nearest emergency room.

The sign on the self-checkout register says closed.  Go ahead and keep scanning your items with that goofy look on your face.

If you feel the need to gossip you better be ready to feel the wrath of karma coming around to flick you in your eyeball. 

If you’re now speed talking you must have aced the speed reading class.  Slow down your mouth isn’t on fire.

Monday, January 9, 2017

Putting away the Christmas village people and their houses

This weekend all the Christmas people went back into their boxes.  I put away my Christmas village so don’t go thinking crazy things on me.  Every year for about 20 years I put up a Christmas village.  It started out small and got pretty big.  Then I moved and ran out of room so I kept a few of my favorites and gave the rest to family.  This way my village people could take road trips to visit their village family and friends at their new houses.

It was a lot of fun to see it once it was up and seeing people’s faces looking at all the buildings, people and cars moving around.  The people would run all over the village and even the big house.  Mainly the moved because the cats or a human would move them.  It’s not like they were moving on their own.  It would have been funny if they did.  That would freak a few people out.

I’ve seen people who keep villages up year round.  They change out buildings for the season.  I’m like that’s a lot of work.  They all look great and wonderful but I am too lazy to keep it up year round and then having to dust around it.  It would drive me crazy because I’d be moving everything all the time to find the perfect place for everything.  Plus, I’d get bored with where everything was and I start moving things all over the big house and then I’d give up and stop moving things and dusting.  It would then get cob webs look like a haunt village.  That would be perfect for Halloween.  So until then my village people and their houses will be in storage until next Christmas. 

Friday, January 6, 2017

Fashion shows at fitness gyms

Hey you, yes you with the perfect hair and makeup.  Yes, you the one on the bike barely peddling.  If your worried about messing up the hair and makeup you are in the wrong place.  Is the gym supposed to be a fashion show?  If so I’m in the wrong place to get fit.  I go in without makeup on and my hair in a ponytail and mismatched clothes.

Actually that could be a new venue for fashion models and fashion shows.  The walls could be bedazzled with big fake gemstones covered with glitter.  Then a few disco balls hanging on the ceiling with various colored strobe lights mixed in.  Seating for the guests would be along the outside wall of the gym and the seats would be spin bikes.   There would be fake palm trees and cacti with Christmas light on them throughout the room.   Maybe even an Italian fountain in the center of the room. Models would be in the center on treadmill, bikes, and weight machines and would strut their stuff on cat walks between machines.  Models would be modeling anything from full length ball gowns, swim suits and business suits.

Waiters/waitresses’ would be on roller skates decked out in disco outfits or in referee outfits serving drinks and appetizers.  Hey an idea, have some of the models on skates too.  The ones wearing ball gowns.  Instead of carrying a purse they can carry a dildo.  It’d be a sight for the eyes that’s for sure.

In the background country music would be playing and once in a while a rap song would be in the mix.  I’m guessing that threw you off more that the models carrying dildos instead of purses.  Maybe it was the cacti with Christmas lights on it that make you ponder.  Well someone has to think of these things so people have something to talk about to go visit to not workout and sweat.  Being in a place like this will keep you smelling good and looking good because you are not working out.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

The after effects of the holidays and winter

Ah the joys of a new year and all the after effects of the holiday: the bills, the weight gain, the family fights.  Not to mention being off of your schedule because of days off and shortened work days.  Then you get back to normal and your like what the heck I want to be off.  It’s a tug of war that sucks donkey balls.  Then you start making new year’s resolutions that last maybe the entire month of January, like going to the gym.  You sign up and start going only to find that its packed because everyone has had the same idea.  You stop going without realizing that if you just hung on to that treadmill a little longer the gym would clear out after a month and you have your choice of bikes and the regulars would have gotten used to you by now and not giving you the look of death.

Then comes the winter blues.  You are tired of being stuck in the house because there is 25 feet of snow blocking your door.  The only way to dig out is with a teaspoon and you have no place to put the snow other than the kitchen sick because it can melt down the drain.  You try this for about a week only to realize its faster to let it melt naturally because using a vibrator only creates a pile of snow in the house and you don’t have enough batteries to go past the porch.  When it all finally melts you are like Yippee and start running around like a crazy person with your hands over your head.  Then comes the lawn mowing and the lawn is super long and green from the 60 feet of snow that was on top of it.  It’s one big party year after year or one be whine fest with cheese.