Getting lost in a 2 block radius at the family Christmas party

My mom's side of the family celebrated Christmas on Saturday this year.  There are about 20 adults and 100 kids.  Ok maybe not that many kids.  But the total number of people is close to 30.  So my Aunt always had it the clubhouse in her subdivision.  Well, some of us decided to go back to my Aunts to help her unload all the food and stuff.  I follow my mom and stepfather who of course are driving a rental car with Florida plates.  Mind you its Illinois and cold out.  Well, on the way they pull over and I pull up to them asking them whats wrong.  Their winder has frost on it and they have no scraper and cannot figure how to work the heat.  They start searching the car for a scraper and I'm like hello take mine.  They then take care of the scraping and proceed to tell me to turn around because we are going the wrong way.  I'm like ok its one big circle but whatever its dark and the houses look all the same.  Yup it's a subdivision of townhouses.  I turn around and go in the circle and realize they are not behind me and I come upon them still going the same way we started.  I am at this point laughing so hard I almost peed myself because they tell me to turn around because they are going the right way.  Again its one big main circle and we got lost.  Needless to say it's another story for the Christmas story books.

Totally prepared. I have a tree with lights on it.

Ok, I know I am not the only one behind the 8 ball on this whole Christmas thing.  People are all like I’ve been done shopping since May and it’s all wrapped and the house has been decorated since the 4^th of July.  I’m sitting here like it’s December 21 and I have a tree that has lights on it.  What this isn’t normal?  This should make the rest of you feel better.  Wait I still have to shop for presents.  So here is a picture of the tree.

Roads trips should be recorded

After watching the past few episodes of Ozzy and Jack’s world tour, I want be in the backseat of one of their trips.  That would be a riot and I am not sure who would be rolling their eyes more me or them.  I’m sure I’d be my blonde self and they would drop the F bomb and I’d be on the floor laughing so hard I’d come close to peeing myself.

Then I had a vision of going on a trip with my friends’ D and J.  J would be driving since D and I would be laughing too hard at all the goofiness we feel the need to let flow out of our mouths.  While J is driving she’d be rolling her eyes at the 2 of us since she more serious than us 2.

Road trips growing up were always a blast especially on vacations.  My family would meet up with my cousins and Aunt and Uncle and we would drive down the highway making faces at each other.  What us kids had nothing else to do in the car back in the 70’s and 80’s.  One trip we had to dive 3 hours with the heat on in the middle of the summer my aunt and uncle’s car was overheating.  Yea my parents sent me on vacation with them and they had a broken car.  

My aunt would also have us sing show tunes until we started signing out of tune and she would roll her eyes and stop.

Uneventful Christmas letter

Dear Peeps,

It’s that time of year for the update on the family.

The fuzzy bunnies are still helping Buck the Gold Retriever with his fish grooming business on Pluto.  They have also started selling their coats that are made out of seaweed and they have expanding that to other plants such as Uranus and Mars.  Not to mention Earth.  So there are bunch of fish that have been all cleaned up and are wearing coats.  What they get cold now that they have no hair on them.

Billy Bob and some of the bunnies are still touring providing entertainment to the world and the universe.  Nothing beats a plastic toy dude with bunnies preforming a comedy act.  Ursula, his sister still runs an orange farm in Alaska shipping turnips and Brussel sprouts to Antarctica.  The twins Agnes and Augustus have bene doing hair and car repairs in Antarctica for the penguins and whales.  Their fins and feet get tired after swimming for days on end. 

I am still on earth physically but mentally I’m in blonde world.  Until next.

Only Yours,

The Blonde One

Hey you! Yes you rude customer.

Dear customers.

Please remember that the sales clerks do not set the price, order the products or make the policies and procedures.  So don't take out your frustration out on them.  Because your happy ass isn't always right.

Also, keep in mind that there are sales and coupons throughout the year so save your self the headache and keep your ass in bed.  You should have shopped year round for this big holiday that you have lost the true meaning.  Because it's not about making your spoiled brat happy.

Thank you for your time and I am off to enjoy my pre-thanksgiving night.

Thanks from the store associate.

Common sense and mars

Peeps.  Don’t get your underwear all in a bunch because you owe money to someone and cannot pay and then threaten to not shop there any longer.  Really do you think you’re hurting them.  The only way you’re hurting them is by not paying them for past orders.  Lack of any future purchases won’t hurt them because it’s not like your low life ass will pay anyways.  So don’t take it out at someone because you’re an fucktard and cannot pay your bills and people are going after you for money.  I’m guessing these same people have a double standard and sell to people who don’t pay and it doesn’t faze them.  Must be nice to be in business as a charity.

On a brighter note, things are mars are heating up and I have decided I’m moving there because people are just whackadoodles ad have no common sense.  Me included so I’m out of here until common sense comes back.  So come and visit one day and we can go to the beach and swim in the ocean.  i can see it now a whole colony of people starting a beach-town.

Put the Christmas lights down Tom the Turkey is coming

Ok now that Halloween is over it doesn’t mean you can go all crazy with the Christmas decorations.  We still have one holiday to go.  That is where Tom Turkey comes in.  It’s called Thanksgiving people.  Give it up people and deal with each holiday.  What are you in denial about Tom Turkey?  It’s a day to give thanks and eat until you have to unbutton your pants and pull the zipper down and watch grown men tackle each other on the football field.

So put down the Christmas lights and the blow-up Santa’s and Frosty’s and put up Tom the Turkey blow-ups.  Step away from the decorating the tree and making it look like Christmas threw up all over your house 6 months early.  What’s your rush for Christmas anyways?  There’s 4 weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  That is more than enough time to enjoy Christmas.  Not to mention a week after Christmas is New Years and most people leave their Christmas decorations up until then.

So let’s give the first few weeks of November to Tom Turkey then after that give it to Santa and the elves.  It’s not like Tom is going to ever leave so give him a fair chance.  

Lack of common sense or plain stupid

Let’s see, I am standing by a register and the register light is on and I have my work shirt on and you have to ask if I’m open.  No, I thought I’d stand here and look pretty.  Of course I am open.  Did you leave your common sense at home in the bathroom?  Maybe it was left years ago at the zoo with the monkeys.  It’s a little hard to tell since you cannot even tell if a register is open. Heck you people even wanted to return a light switch with paint on it.  Really?  Do I look like I fell off of the tomato boat?  Some days it could be debatable but not that day that’s for sure.

I wasn’t an angel growing up but I wasn’t a horrible teenager either.  Doing the deed in a car.  Check.  While the car was moving on a highway.  Check.  Those days were the days I lost my common sense.  Either that or I hadn’t gained any yet. Or it could have been before I learned not to stupid things.  Not sure because years later I was doing the deed in offices that had been closed for the day. It’s not that I wanted to get caught or anything but there was some type of thrill to it.  Of course both of this incidents could be just plain stupidity.  The jury has been out on that for years and I think they have been drinking since there hasn’t been a verdict.  Like it matters now it’s been over for years and no one is talking about it.  At least not that I know about other than this little blip in a blog.

Umm Yes I have been MIA

So some of you may have noticed I have been MIA.  Life got a little crazy here with working and a hospital stay.  Not me, but someone very close to me.  I won't go into details because he likes his privacy.  But now I'm back and the snail is getting off the wheel so the hamster can get back on.  The squirrel wasn't very motivating to the snail.  But he sure can make the hamster run his little legs on the wheel.

Retail and the lack of common sense

There is a thing called common sense that seems to escape some people.  For example, if pop is stocked at night prior to the store closing, people will still be purchasing said pop.  There is no reason for the opening people to get their underwear all in a bunch because it looks like it wasn’t stocked.  Hello people!!  You close occasionally and you know what happens with closing duties.  So suck it up and be glad that only 1-2 were sold and not the entire cooler.  Even if all the pop was sold 10 minutes to closing would it be that big of a deal.  No because that means more money for the store.  Again get over it.

If the garages are not done.  Look at who was working and how many people there were.  If there were 2 people working, common sense says they were busy and couldn’t get them done.  Again don’t get your underwear in a bunch.  Suck it up and do them in the morning when you come in. It’s not like they were overflowing jackasses.  Because when they get that bad they get done right away.  So 2 pieces of paper in them is not going to cause the world to end.

What was I thinking waking up before the worms

Not sure what the freak I was thinking.  I’m working 63.5 hours between both jobs this week and taking my friend and her family to the airport before the worms are awake.  Really who takes an international flight at 7 am.  Not to mention who works an extra 23.5 hours a week.  I do one of those.  Oh wait I take domestic flights at 7:30 am.  Oh Mylanta whatever I sparkle so it doesn’t matter.

Now Big Brother is over I’ll have to find more shows to watch.  I know all my sitcoms are starting again.  Plus, the reality shows I like are on, like Shahs of Sunset and Flipping out.

This is about all I have this week.  Probably because I have been making videos via snapchat and posting them on Facebook.  So many of the filters that are voice changers are so much fun.  So come on over and see more of the craziness.  Because who wants to miss all the fun on Facebook. 

https://www.facebook.com/kellyzzzz

Over sharing and cake over Facebook

Yes, I share a lot of my friend’s posts.  What they sell things and some post some funny things too.  People may get sick of it but they will get over it or they will block me.  But if they did they would be missing a whole of stuff.  Especially since I post my own hilarious stuff too.  Well I think so and I have been told its funny.

Plus, who doesn’t love a good story about elephants who come in and know how to use the self-checkout at a store.  They need to shop for clothes and home remodeling items too.  They need to feel loved and look pretty too.

Not to mention a friend who is eating pineapple upside down cake and not sharing it.  Then the cake gets thrown over Facebook and onto my face.  I then get the cake anyway.  That’s a new feature that’s still in testing.

Vacation and a hurricane

It has been over a week since I last blogged.  It has been a crazy week.  I left last Wednesday to go to Charleston, South Carolina.  Even with the possibility of a hurricane I still went.  We did plan on going to Charleston but by Saturday they had started prep for the tropical storm force winds and storm surges that were going to happen because of hurricane Irma.  So not much was open.  On Thursday we did get some extra bottled water and topped off the gas in the car and got gas for the generator.  Of course my idea of getting ready was getting 12 Smirnoff Ice.  Hey I needed something to get me through any type of hurricane prep.  For some odd reason I listened to my mom and brought extra clothes in case I needed them if we evacuated.  With all the beach trips and pool trips I didn’t need half of what I needed for a short 5-day trip.  Oh well now I go from possible hurricane prep to back to work.  Work is much easier than watching the weather channel 24/7 watching a storm come.  Even with 2 Smirnoff Ice in my feet.

My direct sales story and Younique

I have done direct sales for about 7 years now and I have been with a few companies.  While I have loved all the products I have sold, I am with only with one now   With each company I learned new and different things about myself and about the products/industry.  Currently I am with Younique and honestly I don’t wear a lot of makeup.  I keep it simple since I am quite busy.  I typically put on the Epic mascara and the Liquid Lipstick or lip-gloss.  On occasion I will add the loose powder, eyeliner or eye-shadow. 

There is nothing wrong with keeping makeup simple.  It’s all about what makes you feel good.  I may not be able to do a smoky eye but I can google it and help you achieve that look.  I may not know everything but I am always willing to go the extra mile to find the answers.  That is what is important when looking for a consultant.  I am always learning and trying to improve myself.  The more I know the better off I am personally and professionally.  I know I want to continue to grow with this company.  It is not easy but I am slowly getting better and moving up.

When I first started with Younique I was with 2 other companies.  I was just doing it more for fun and my own personal use.  Then I sold a few things and learned even more about the company and found it really was the one for me.  They are global and their products are complaint with the European Union standards.  They sell the same product globally.  So there are not multiple formulas floating around.  Sometimes it just takes time to find the perfect fit. 

Really a Ta-ta towel

Really you need a towel for your boob sweat.  Some woman invented the Ta-ta towel and I’m thinking why not just take a hand towel and put it under your boobs while getting ready like the rest of us.  How about this take your robe or pajamas and put that under your boobs.  Chances are your wearing either one of those while getting ready.  It’s not hard to put some of the material under your boobs while wearing either one.  Then you can continue getting ready for your day without extra material making you even hotter.

There will be some female who will take it a step further and decide to make this her top.  Which will look a lot funnier than walking around with just a bra on.  I’m sure the girls will pop out once you start dancing and jumping around like females do.  Then it will be a free peep show for everyone.  Even those who don’t want to see because I see my own every day. 

I’m sure she’s making a ton of money on it.  Which is great for her.  Not top mention everybody is talking about it and that's creating more of a buzz for.  But I really don’t need another thing to wash.  Chances are people will buy it then use it for a while and it will end up in the back of the linen closet with the scale.  The 2 things can keep each other company along with the 6 million things we store in that closet.

Attention flip flop wearers-yes footwear of choice

Please make sure your toes look nice.  Either have no polish or have them all polished.  I am not talking about a big toe half polished with the other 4 fully polished or have 3 different colors that are chipped.  I mean really you might as well have sasquatch feet. But if you have sasquatch feet go get that shit waxed off.  No one likes to see hairy feet with chipped polish and toe rings popping through.  Yes, the waxing will hurt like hell but at least your feet will look nice.  A lot of nail places do waxing so ask them wax your feet at your next appointment.  Just don’t have them do it while they are polishing tour toes.  If you don’t want to spend the money, then wax or shave them yourself.  I think they still make Nair.  That defeats the purpose and your feet will still end up hairy like a gorilla.  If you want decorative toes, then wear toe rings or have the nail tech do nail art on your toes.

Now a break from our regularly scheduled winter games

Who doesn’t love to shop?  Especially if you can do it from the luxury of your bed, the pool, or sky diving while spreading glitter over trolls.  What I like even better is having a party for Discovery Toys, Pampered Chef, Pure Romance, Jamberry, and Younique is I earn free products.  Plus, if I don’t feel like having my peeps over to my purple cave I can have a Facebook or catalog party and still earn free products.  Hey I don’t see Toys R Us, Sephora or Crate and Barrel giving you free stuff for shopping with them.  Plus, with them you helping some big company not a local person

So feel free and check them out.  I know you’ll find something you’ll fall in love with and then want to share with your friends.

Www.discoverytoys.com/Beckyknol

https://www.pamperedchef.com/pws/jengrimes

https://www.pureromance.com/SUSANGODFREY

wildberry.jamberry.com 

https://www.youniqueproducts.com/KellyFleck

https://www.cookiegarden.com/

https://www.etsy.com/shop/cheekerscrafts

Funerals are no fun until someone farts and gets the car in line

Yes, funerals are sad occasions and are not any fun.  I have been to quite a few and have had all the emotions that go with them.  I don’t ever go near the coffin.  Not because of lack of respect but I just cannot handle being that close.  Those people close to me understand that and accept it.  But it always seems like something happens that we can chuckle at.  Like at my friend’s fiance's funeral.  Her family and I were sitting together during mass and during a quiet moment of prayer someone lets out a loud fart.  Both of her parents look at her brother and I and give us the look of death.  We are like it wasn’t us.  They both start whispering yelling at us to grow up as they are trying not to chuckle.  Mind you we are about 40 at this time.  Then all of a sudden we hear someone say Junior please.  Turns out it was her fiance's nephew.  Now this wasn’t the only funny incident that happened.  I drove over to Gem’s parents’ house so we can follow each other to the funeral home and church.  So her brother Baby drives over with me and we get to the funeral home.  I roll down my window to talk to the funeral home person and he asks if we are family or friends.  I say family and Baby says friends.  I lean over and hit him.  Now mind you Baby and I have known each other since 1986.  He comes back with I’m not the fiance's family I’m his friend.  I say Gem is your family and I turn the director and say family.  The funeral person just looks at us shaking his head as we biker and laugh like we are family.  So I get the car in line with the family cars.

First day of school pictures and flip flops

With all these back to school pics I’m beginning to wonder if I need to start posting flip flop pics.  What doesn’t everyone want to see sasquatch fee in flip flops?  Oh come on that would so make the news.  Not to mention it’d be something new in your news feed since all summer long we’ve seen all of little Timmy’s pictures posted all over Facebook.  He’s been doing things like baseball, ballet and some weird somersault down the sledding hill.  I’m sure there are people wearing flips on their ears to keep their ears warm and someone probably uses them to go sledding.  What it’s not like people don’t wear them in the middle of the winter.  If you haven’t heard of this read the post from earlier in the week peeps.

So keep an eye out for pictures of flip flop pictures on my Facebook page or on my Google+ page.  Ya never know when one will show up.  Heck Billy Bob finally got his picture for the first day of school.

Flips Flops the footwear of choice

There are days where I wonder why do I have to put actual shoes on.  Why cannot flip flops be footwear of choice all the way around?  If I could I would live in flip flops year round.  But if I did I’d have frozen piggy’s because I live in the Midwest and it gets cold and snowy here.  If I had sasquatch feet that would be a whole other story.  Because I wouldn’t need any shoes or clothes for that matter.  But that is another issue for another time.

Of course there are people who should never ever wear flips or sandals of any kind.  You know the ones who don’t get their toes painted and look like they have been running through a mud pit.  They need to wear shoes that completely cover their feet.  Because no one wants to see that.

Flips can totally go with any outfit.  They can be blinged out or sporty looking like the Nike ones.  I think I will make it a mission to get flips the shoe of choice for us sparkly peeps.

Not the momma the Auntie at the pool

Highlight of the week was the pool with the niece and nephews. Aloysius the 11-year-old was off with his friends causing some sort of commotion.  Actually, the only commotion was him picking on a girl and I asked if she was his girlfriend and he said no he just likes to annoy her.  His way of saying he liked her.

Hortencia hung out with me and Bubba a lot.  Bubba being only 4 was a little leery if the slide that had sprayers on the starts and the slide.  I had to stand on top of the steps and help him up when he got the to the sprayers.  Now mind you that water isn’t the warmest coming out of there.  The goofy kid was fine going down the slide through that sprayer.  So I was like I am gonna hobble right down and stand in the sun and work on my tan without being cold.  Keep in mind I was still recovering my trip visiting the sidewalk on Saturday at the Taste of Roselle.

Then, Bubba kept going back and forth between calling me auntie and momma.  I was like I’m not the momma I’m the auntie.  After a while I realized it was a losing battle with a 4-year-old. Especially since I watched him his first year when his parents worked.

Really it takes this many paramedics to put a band aid on?

How many paramedics does it take to put a band aid on a toe?  Yes, a toe.  It takes 4.  How do I know you ask?  Because I was at the taste of Roselle this past weekend and I tripped and fell and cut my toe open.  So as I stood there bleeding a cop stopped by was like do you need first aid.  Umm I probably do where is it so I can walk over there.  He’s like I’ll have them come over so you don’t have to walk.  So here come 4 paramedics with their bags.  Ok, well since you hotties are already here go ahead and put the band aid on.  Maybe I need some mouth to mouth along with that band aid.  Good thing it wasn’t that bad I didn’t need to make a trip to the ER.

Now mind you I have been going to the taste of Roselle for 34 years and the worst thing I had ever done was belch really loud after have a few beers when I was 23 or so.  What?  These things happen when you drink fast carbonated drinks

The back to school glitter storm

With of all the folders in the air you can always tell what aisle has the school supplies.  The back to school aisle in stores nowadays is just crazy.  The supply lists are as long as a novel.  It’s like a war zone with the way parents are fighting, throwing pencils and scissors in the air amongst a cloud of glitter.  Add a little glue and everything will sparkle with glitter.  Parents are trying to glue each other to the floor with Elmer’s glue like there’s no tomorrow keeping each other away from the 16 inch binders with the kitty cat picture on the front.  Nowadays kids need like twenty 24 inch binders and a calculator that is more like a computer.  People there is no reason to fight over a blue pen when there a trillion to choose from.  If there is not enough then get your happy ass in the car and go to another store.  Oh better yet, wait for it, order it all online!

Back in the day I was lucky to have 1 pencil that had an eraser.  Usually it was the one from the previous year.  This pencil would be like ¼ inch and was a pain to write with.  No wonder why my handwriting is awful.  Kleenex what was that.  We either used toilet paper or our sleeves.  What our immune systems were a lot better that the kids today and we didn’t have to have Kleenex for the entire classroom.  We had 1 bottle of Elmer’s glue and if you used it on your hands and peeled it off then you didn’t have any glue for your projects that your parents so proudly displayed on the fridge of shame.

We had 1 desk to fit out stuff in, not a U-Haul to keep our stuff in.  I don’t see how kids are carrying these ginormous backpacks around with everything including the kitchen sink in them.  I was lucky to have a paper bag to carry my things in.  If that bag got wet that was another issue because I’d have to balance books on my head and my left foot and hand to carry them all home.  Which was a step from by parents’ day who had their great uncle Harvey’s worn belt to carry their books to school.

New month peeps. Get some patience.

Some days I just wonder about people.  You let them know something is temporally out of stock and they automatically assume it is discontinued.  Hello, did I say anything about it being discontinued?  No I did not.  Just like when a self-checkout says it doesn’t accept cash.  Duh let’s put our cash in anyways and wonder why it doesn’t give change back.  People get your heads out of your asses or out of your friends’ asses and pay attention.  I mean really you are the same people who will complain about everything little thing that goes wrong.  Either that or your keep head in the sand.  Maybe you’ll find some crabs.

People if you get transferred to a department why the heck wouldn’t you leave a voice message.  Do you sit around and wait around for people to call you and do you get off a call just to answer another call?  Does this piss off the person you’re talking to when you say sorry I have to stop helping you because I have another call?  No, you finish your conversation and call the other person back.  So what is do hard to understand that others aren’t always available.  That is why there is voicemail.

Have a little patience people and learn to deal with things.  Like having to leave messages or waiting in a line at a store.  Not everything is instant gratification.  

Big Brother and lack of interest

This season of Big Brother has not totally held my interest.  Maybe I’m just tired of the drama or the same type of drama season after season.  I don’t want to see the same comps every season.  Maybe if they had a tightrope or balance beam going over the back yard and the houseguests have to walk it on a daily basis.   If you fall you fall into a vat of pudding.  What it’s not like they didn’t have a smoothie go poof in their face this past week, so you know they get messy.

What about a field trip?  Maybe to a secluded island or on a house boat.  Think of all the other options there could be for comps.  If they cannot do that then I say let people just run though the house for shits and giggles.  I can see it now people dressed up as different things.  Like a pumpkin or a big ball of sparkles.  They don’t say anything but run through the house by going in and out of the diary room.  They don’t talk to the house guests at all.  

Things that cannot be unseen-wet tightie whities

This weekend the boyfriend and I went down to one of beaches in the city.  Now if your familiar with Chicago you may know that not all the beaches have sand.  The one we stopped at just had a big slab of cement that you could jump off of into the water and there were ladders that you could use to climb out of the water.  Well we grab our cooler and walk down we see someone swimming and don’t think much about it until he climbs out of the water in his underwear and walks to his stuff.  I’m thinking why the hell are you wearing white underwear when you went swimming.  You should have kept your shorts on because no one wants to see your junk.  Then he proceeds to ask us if we have a cigarette.  Really dude I really don’t want to be talking to you while you’re in your wet tightie whities.  Se we walk a little way down from him and we get settled and I happen to glance down to see if we can see the Ferris wheel at Navy Pier and all I saw was his naked butt.  It’s not like this guy was some Greek god or even semi good looking.  So keep your shorts on while swimming.

My head is still shaking in disbelief of the whole incident.

Hey, ignorant purple assholes...leave messages

Hey, ignorant purple assholes the world does not wait just for you to call.  If you call in asking to be transferred to someone and you get their voicemail, it really is ok to leave them a message.  You don’t have to hang up and call back right away.  I highly doubt with all that is sparkly in the world, that they are off the phone in that half a minute it took you to call back in.  So please leave them a message with what you are needing and no I don’t know how long it will take them to call you back.  I am not their keeper here are work nor do I care to follow them with my head up their arse.  As much fun as that sounds I have better things to do.  Like cleaning up some elephant poop and making sculptures out of it.  So please learn how the real world works so I don’t have to live in a makeup world in my head because you all don’t know how to handle shit.

So here’s a little tip-leave messages and you will get your answers.  Calling every 15 seconds only aggravates you and gives us something to laugh at.  Yes, that happens because we need some comic relief.  Because when you start talking fast and raising your voice you start sounding like Alvin and the chipmunks.

What was I thinking in those earlier blog posts

Not sure what my sparkly self was thinking years ago.  I started looking back at my blog and thought what the heck was I thinking.  Now I know I can have typing errors.  Sometimes they make the story funnier.  Like when I say bust instead of must.  Other times it’s just painful to read.  Plus, the fact that my posts were really short and boring.  I am not sure if anyone has gone back to read the blogs in the beginning or not but I’d avoid it.  Or if you want go ahead and see what could make you laugh or cringe.  From the views lately some peeps are reading the blogs.  So I must have been doing something right.

There are still a few that make me chuckle.  Like how long it took me to get out of the house with a baby.  Most people can get out in less than a day.  Those people are called parents not Aunties.  Of course I could go back and add more confetti to the posts but that would take some of the charm out of them or it would make them glitter more.

Jayden K Smith and I

I woke up to a friend request and a message from Jayden K Smith.  I didn’t freak out and I took a chance and accepted his friend request and messaged him back.  He wanted to take me to lunch and then shopping on Amazon since it’s Amazon Prime day.  After that we are going to hit the pool and have tropical drinks.  It’s going to be a fun filled day.  I am going to treat him to dinner and dancing tonight on the moon.  I heard they have a great disco-tech up there and it’s always hopping day or night.  We can mingle with all the other glamorous aliens that we meet and we can invite them back to earth so they can be seen and maybe live down here.

I can picture it now.  The wedding will take place on the Starship Enterprise in another galaxy.  We will start adopting fish and moon rocks and raise them on earth like they are our biological children.  We will have a summer home in the Mariana Trench and a winter home down in Antarctica.  It will be a fun filled life with lots of confetti.  It’s going to be spectacular.

So all you peeps who thought this was a hoax the joke is on you.  I am going to live a great life.  I'm so happy I could sparkle across the oceans. 

What! it's been a week. Oh my sparkles.

Wow.  It's been a whole week since I last blogged.  What have you all been reading since my sparkly self didn't have anything to say.  Ok it's not that I didn't have anything to say its that one blonde brain cell was so focused on work and it couldn't handle anything else.  Ok not the truth, I just got busy.  Either that or I have been scuba diving in the pool looking for new ocean life.  Well, there was a new type of elephant at the bottom of the pool.


Some things that may have come out of my mouth.

I want to be a gypsy when I grow up.

Someone needs to shake some sprinkles on people.  Either that or people need to take the cranky stick out of their ass.

If I ever burst the world would be filled with glitter and it’d be a happier place.

If you think I’m being rude wait until the sprinkles come off.  Then you’re not going to know what slapped you upside your head.

If you don’t laugh daily, you’ll shrivel up like a prune.

Glue is what holds the glitter on. Where you put it is up to you.

Part of my brain is filled with sprinkles.  That’s why my eyes sparkle and I fart sparkles.

While some may think I’m a little immature, I look at myself as having a sparkling personality.

Really kid you just said that

The things that come out of kids mouths crack me up.  Last fall I was at the corn with my family. I was in the bouncy thing with my 5 year old nephew Aloysius and 3 year old niece Hortencia, when Aloysius asks me if I had a butt crack.  All I could so is laugh for a minute before answering yes. Then we went back to jumping.

Back when I was 18/19 years old I was babysitting and the kid was potty training and would not have a bowel movement on the toilet. He would always ask for a diaper. Well I asked why he always wanted one and he said with a straight face I am afraid because it floats. I said there is nothing to be afraid of that is normal and it is what is supposed to do.  Then I went into the other room and laughed.

On my 41 birthday I was playing tag with my niece and nephew and I was it.  My 5 year old nephew says "auntie Kelly I want to give you a hug.". I was like ok and I bent down and he comes over and leans in and yells "tag your it."  I stood there like hello I'm already it and I just got suckered. It was pretty funny.

$186 paperclip versus a $50 purse

What is wrong with you crazy people, $186 for a paperclip?  Ok so it’s a Prada paperclip that’s a money clip.  I’m lucky I have $2 in my purse so there is no way my 2 singles are going in a money clip that costs $186.  That amount usually lasts about 3 seconds in my account.  What I have bills to pay and things I need and want.  Yes, I have spent money on Coach purses but it’s usually from the outlet store when they are having a great sale and I have a coupon.  Plus, a purse can carry a whole lot more.  Like makeup, a wallet, diapers, checkbook, vibrators, and a comb.  All stuff that comes in handy on a daily basis.  It’s not like you can put that Prada paperclip money clip around all that.

So while all you fashionistas are spending that money on a paperclip, I will use my purse and keep my pet giraffe in it.  That way she’s always with me.

A snowsuit in the summer.....Huh?!?!?!

Now that it’s summer people start walking around with snowsuits.  What the temps drop down to 65 and people are freezing.  It’s like they have the seasons backwards.  Because these same people will be walking around with shorts, tank tops, and flip flops when it’s 22 degrees out in the middle of winter.  People make up your minds.  It’s not like its rocket science and you won’t get the funky ass stares.  Not to mention your lady and male bits won’t fall off because of frost bite.  Nor will they be all hot and sweaty in the summer.  Because no one wants any part of either situation.  It’s just one of those things this sparkly blonde doesn’t understand.  It’s ok I don’t really need to anyway.

Nope those are not the names of my loved ones

Yes, I have given my friends and family weird names in my blog.  Why?  Because some of the stories could be embarrassing.  But let’s face it they are funny.  So I thought I’d protect them and give them different names.  Me I don’t care if the funny and embarrassing stories are out there about me.  Heck I put them out there myself.  I figured if I cannot handle the embarrassing the stories from my younger days then there is something off about me and I need to go the planet Pluto.  Oh wait is that not a planet or is it.  I can’t keep track even if I am in outer space a lot. Not to mention the names make it even funnier.

One day I’ll start calling everybody by the names I use in the blog.  People wouldn’t know what was going on.  They’d look at me with weird looks and birds going around their head.  Of course that would be the ones that don’t read it.

Oh, the things I say and the purse

If you don’t laugh daily, you’ll shrivel up like a prune.

Hey lumber associate the 2 pretty boys need help loading their sheetrock.  They don’t want to get their old clothes dirty.

It’s so hot out I need glue to keep my sparkles on.

I am always leaving my wallet all over.  If I would put it back in my purse it would be a wonderful thing.  Yesterday I ran into a store to get frozen yogurt and grabbed my wallet out of my purse.  Now you’re probably thinking why didn’t she just grab her whole purse.  Have you crazy chuckleheads seen some of the purses we females carry, some are as big as a small suitcase.  Not only do we have to carry tampons, a wallet, makeup and a load of other crap, we also need to carry our kids diapers and toys.  Then the husband is handing over his wallet and power tools for us to hold.  So now you see why we have a suitcase sized purse.  It’s like we are carrying the entire house with us.  So now you know why I tend to forget my wallet and why some men carry a man purse.  Because let’s face it us woman we don’t need to carry around table saw like men feel the need to.  We just carry around a wide variety of feminine products.

Please send a hamster to power the computer

To whom it may concern:

I am writing to you today because the hamster in my computer is not running on its wheel causing my computer not to work.  Please kindly send another so I can have it run on the wheel to power the computer.

Thank You Kindly,

Hilma

Dear Hilma,

We are currently out of hamsters but we can send you a fish and a fishbowl.  The fish swimming in the bowl can power your computer, as well as your car.  We will put in the mail for you.  We appreciate your business.

Thank you,

Maynard

Customer Service Representative at Animal Powered Equipment

Dear Maynard,

The fish and fishbowl are working out wonderfully.  Not only can I power my computer but I can cool my entire house.

Yours Truly,

Hilma

Ties and peeing contests

Philomena and I meet when we both were working at Blockbuster (BBV) back in the 1990’s.  We had a lot of good times.  There are some stories that probably shouldn’t be mentioned but it’s not like we remember everybody’s last name we met.  We would meet up after we closed our stores but we’d also hang out at a local bar on our days off.  We went so often that when we came in with a group of people and there were no tables available, they would bring tables and chairs out for us.  So one particular night we were there and we had seen some guys from our old bowling league.  As we were heading out we all starting talking in the parking lot and telling stories.  One thing led to another and they guys started joking about us having to wear ties at BBV.  At the time everyone one a button down collared shirt and if you were in management you wore a tie so customers would know who we were.  Well one thing led to another and the guys were having a peeing contest in the parking lot and we were measure how far they could pee with the ties.  I know this sounds very mature for people in their mid to late 20’s.

This was the same bar that we picked up 2 off duty cops and drove home with them following us.  Not the brightest move but we sure did have fun with them once we got home.  Plus, whenever I closed and was coming home at 1 am there was always a cop driving past watching me get into my house.  Just a perk of having a little fun.  The rest of that story is kept in the vault.  Type of vault not sure but it has purple and pink sparkles with rhinestones.

Nobody versus the dog and cats acting like dogs

As you may have read in a previous post I had a cat named Nobody.  She would pal around with her mom Nina outside.  Now she wasn’t as fearless as Nina was but she had her moments.  Well, all of our neighbors had dogs and one of those dogs was a Shetland Sheepdog. One day I was out in the yard feeding the fish in the pond when I see Nobody in the yard next door.  Well, that Shetland dog took off running after Nobody and she ran right under their deck.  She must have been looking for exercise or just wanted to mess with that poor dog’s mind.  Because she’d run out from under the deck half way into the yard and right back under the deck.  She did this a few times before scaling the chain link fence back into our yard.  That poor dog didn’t know was going on.  He just kept chasing her back and forth.  All I could do was stand there, watch, and laugh.  Because it looked like he was confused and she looked like she was laughing because he couldn’t catch her.

Because of all the dogs around us Nina the cat picked up some dog like tendencies.  One day I walked the 2 blocks to my friend’s house so we could go for a walk.  Well Nina followed me there and sat outside for 5 minutes while I went inside and Wanda was getting her shoes on.  We come out and start walking with Nina following us.  About halfway through our 2 mile walk Nina takes off on her own.  I think nothing of it as I know she wanders the neighborhood.  We finish our walk and Nina comes home an hour after I do.

Leaf blower versus dirt storm

Hey dude.  Yes, you the one trying to return the leaf blowing that is all dirty.  You claim it doesn’t work, well how did it get all dirty and where is the box and/or packaging for it.  Did you try to use during a dirt storm?  I don’t think we had a dirt storm since you purchased it on April 22.  I think that would have hit the news big time here in the Chicago land area.  By the way the return policy expired.  You had until May 22 to return it.  Yes, I see the price and it is expensive and you can call the manufacture to have it repaired.  Next time there’s a dirt storm in the area maybe you shouldn’t try to use a leaf blower to fight the blowing dirt.  Then maybe it would still work.

To the one who brings in a receipt and the owner’s manual without the tool and claim there is a part missing.  Do I look like I fell off the turnip truck?  Maybe it was the hot dog cart.  See this page in the owner's manual with the number for missing parts.  Please call that number and get the parts.  Oh, you wasted a trip.  Maybe if you used some common sense then you wouldn’t be talking to my sparkly ass.  Maybe you shouldn't have opened it during the same dirt storm as the leaf blower guy.  Then the part wouldn’t have been blown away or sucked into his leaf blower.  

Nina the car loving cat

I got my first cat Pepper when I was 5 and I think I paid a quarter for her.  Since her we have had numerous cats in the house for the next 39 years.  In February of 1996 I got Nina who was 8 months old.  She must have been our most adventurous cat ever.  This cat got into everything.  Including getting out before I could have her fixed and getting pregnant.  We did manage to find homes for the kittens and we actually kept 2 of them.  Since her and one of her daughter’s Nobody loved to be outside we had cat door in one of the window wells in the basement so they could come and go.  Ok I know what you’re thinking a cat named Nobody.  Yes, because when all of our friends came over they all thought all the others were cute and nobody like Nobody, so the name stuck.  The other thing was we never had any other live animals try to come in.  But once in a while Nina would bring a present for us inside of the house and leave it at the bottom of the stairs going upstairs to the bedrooms.  After a talking too she left these on the deck. 

This cat loved cars.  We would find her in our cars all the time when we left our windows open.  We would pick her up and put her in the front yard so we could go on our merry way.  One day my family had a pizza delivered.  The pizza delivery guy came back about 5 minutes later asking if we had a cat.  The fool left his car door open and Nina hopped in.  He had started hearing a meowing and realized a cat his is car.  Since we were his last delivery he thought she was ours.  So my family goes out to his car and looks in and low and behold there’s Nina looking at them.  Two weeks later when my brother made a run to the liquor store 4 blocks away.  Half way there he saw Nina jump from the back seat to the front.  Rather than turning home he just went to the store and left her in the car.  I could go for ever with her antics like when she got arrested, but that’s a story for another time.

Really not wearing a bra is a good look

As I was trolling Facebook on lunch, I saw a post about the reasons not to wear a bra.  Some of the reasons were they don’t make the boobs any perkier and they cause breast cancer.  There were pictures of women’s nipples showing.  Really people!  First off no one wants to see my fat boobs that hang half down my stomach flipping and a flopping all over without a bra.  Heck, I don’t want to feel that.  Not to mention didn’t Janet Jackson have a wardrobe malfunction years ago with her nipple slipping out.  That caused a whole new issue with the Super Bowl half time shows as well as other live shows.  Plus, people were outraged by seeing a nipple.  Not to mention all the people who get all up in arms when a mother is breast feeding her baby in public.  So what the heck people.  I am going to wear a bra, even if it’s a little uncomfortable, because going bra less for 18 hours a day isn’t a look I’m going for.  Then I would be forced to shop at Wal-Mart with all the other fashion bloopers.  After seeing those pictures, I think I’ll keep my saggy boobs in a bra with no nipple showing.  If you want your boobs saggy and nipples showing that’s your call.

We are such a confused group of people.  But at least some of us sparkle while being confused.  One day showing nipples is ok another day it’s not.  I’m going back into my purple sparkle container.

Rose fest, rides, and lack of makeup

This past weekend was the Rose fest in my home town.  It consists of a carnival and a parade.  They even have a Rose Queen.  Growing up it was always exciting to see the rides starting to go up on Monday and Tuesday and it started on Wednesday and went through Sunday.  All the teachers would have a hard time this week keep up focused because we all were super excited and it didn’t help that the carnival was set up in the train station parking lot and that was a few blocks away from the middle school I went to.  It always so much fun and we would hang out Friday night, all day Saturday and Sunday.  We went every year all decked out with our hair and makeup done and our clothes looking good.  What it was the 1980’s and we were teenagers.   There were people our age from surrounding towns there.  It became a place to meet boys for us.  Heck Mavis even picked up a carnie one year when we were in our early 20’s.  That got us some free rides.

Once Bertha and I turned 21 in 1992 we couldn’t wait to go into the beer tent.  So we decided to be responsible and walk the 2 blocks from her house to the carnival.  Well let’s just say it would have worked if Bertha hadn’t decided to go on a ride called the Zipper.  The Zipper had cages that seated 2 people that spun as the rest of the ride moved in an oval shape.  I knew I couldn’t handle it sober much less after having a few beers in me.  So she goes on and comes off and gets sick.  Neither one of us is in any shape to walk home.  Luckily her boyfriend who was younger than us came to get us.  By the time he gets to us we are on the curb and she’s having dry heaves.  Poor guy had to deal with us 2 crazy knuckle heads.  Good thing he brought some of our other friends.

I did go this weekend Saturday night with a friend.  Of course I had worked all day and didn’t care about wearing makeup.  I put a clean shirt on, washed face and brushed teeth.  A complete changed from 25 years ago.  Hey I still look good without the makeup and hair done.  I sparkle so I’m always good.  So we hit the beer tent and listened to Howard and the White boys play and we talked.  No rides were involved in this outing.  I didn’t want my sparkles flying off of me.  

Camping and the lawn chair potty

We used to go camping a lot when I was a kid in the 1980’s.  Most places had bathrooms, electricity, etc.  Well for some reason my dad and grandfather had purchased 2 acres on a lake in the upper peninsula of Michigan.   Of course there was no running water or electricity on the land.  There wasn’t even any type of structures either.  We go and we are like where are we going to the bathroom because the pop-up camper doesn’t have a bathroom.  My dad and uncle are like don’t worry about it we’ll figure it out.  Their idea of creating a toilet was taking a lawn chair and putting a garbage bag in the hole.  There were certain rules that went this makeshift potty.  If it was full you had to change the bag and if you went #2 you changed it.  So it’s time to leave and we have to take all of our stuff with us including the bags.  The adults knew a place to take the bags of stuff.  So my Aunt sits on top of the camper holding the bag next to her and it leaks on her.  Now mind you we haven’t showered in 4-5 days and this just made it worse for her.  No one wanted to ride in the care with her at all and my cousins and I typically switched cars during the long drives.  Well they were begging to come with us and of course we didn’t want to ride in their car.  Needless to say my cousins had to stay in their own car the entire ride home.  To this day we still laugh about the leaking bag.

I will say that using the lawn chair bathroom was way cleaner than any outhouse I have been in.  Not as private but most of my family had seen my butt when they changed my diaper when I was a baby.

Back at it....things I'd love to say

If your front bumper decides to kiss my rear bumper, it’ll cost ya.  So back off! 

Yep, I posted this on Facebook, “Put a fork on me and and call me some.”  It should have been “Put a fork in me and call me done.” 

The truth always comes out knuckleheads. 

What isn’t it normal for people to work hard and pay their bills?
 Hey dumbass the s is silent in Illinois.  If you ever paid attention in school, you would know this.  Plus, the fact I pronounced it properly.
 Just because you cannot keep your shit straight doesn’t mean you can expect to call us and be nasty and get an answer right this second.  Put your adult pants and get over it.
 Really you wonder why I stopped calling you.  Maybe if you called me once in a while you’d find out the phone goes both ways.  Just saying.
 Oh, you came into town and thought I had no plans.  Sorry I don’t sit and wait for people to show up.
 Really 3 are wrong and it’s the end of your world.  Hey the world will live and it takes less than a minute to fix it.  Get over it.

Not always the brightest as a teenager

Ok so Bertha and I weren’t always the smartest when we would go out.  For the record Bertha isn’t her real name.  We had gone out for pizza after one of my cousin’s football games that she was cheering for and we had met a few boys our age.  Mind you we were only 14 at the time and didn’t want to use our real names.  Not sure why but she gave Bertha as her name and her real phone number.  So when the boy called and asked for her, her brother was like what the heck.  Well it came out it was us and he was like really you give a fake name and your real number.  Needless to say he wasn’t happy and of course was being the overprotective big brother.  So as the years went by we got smarter and used fake numbers for those guys we really weren’t interested in.  Of course then pagers came out and we just gave out pager numbers and decided based on the number who we’d call back.

 

A few years later Bertha, Mavis (Bertha’s sister), and I took one of our road trips to Lake Geneva, WI.  Back then I was scared to death to drive on the highway.  So Bertha drove on the highway and for some reason Mavis picked up some of the driving too.  On this particular trip, Bertha was speeding down a country road in Wisconsin and got pulled over.  Now I cannot remember how fast she was going but we were young and Mavis was pregnant so we didn’t question it too much.  I paid the ticket since I was the only one with a credit card and we didn’t want to go back up for a court date.  We go about our business visiting our male friends up there.  Ok they were just boys we became friends with after all of our trips up there.  We drive back down to Illinois and get about 10 minutes from home and go through an intersection we have gone through hundreds of times before.  Within in seconds the blue and red lights are going off behind us.  So there we are shaking our heads.  Low and behold the intersection we just went though had gotten a stop sign.  So Mavis gets a ticket for running a stop sign.  To this day, some 26 years later, I never live down the fact that I didn’t get a ticket that night too.  I always point that I was the good one that night and didn’t get one.  Then they both say in unison well you didn’t drive.  My response was well it was my car we took.

 

Needless to say this is some of the stuff we still get crap for from their mom.  After 34 years of friendship we a lot of stories and mishaps that we are brought up.  But that’s for another time.

Clogging toilets and sounding like my father

So clogging toilets is a genetic thing.  Hey my brother and I used to clog toilets and his kids do too.  One day I was watching my nephew Aloysius and my niece Hortencia because their parents were off somewhere doing who knows what.  Hortencia and I were doing crafts at the kitchen table and Aloysius was watching TV.  So I thought he was watching TV until I hear him yell, “Auntie, Auntie the toilet’s broke.”  I walk down to the bathroom with Hortencia running behind me.  What she was 3 and had little legs and she needs to see everything that’s going on.  I walk into the bathroom to see him standing against the wall with just his shirt on looking at all the water in the toilet.  The water was up to the rim and there was nothing else in the toilet but water.  I grab the plunger and start plunging and he says you’re doing it wrong.  Really I’m the queen of clogging toilets and your dad is king.  As I stand there plunging, I start telling him the same exact lecture I got as a kid.  If you poop you flush, then wipe then flush again and wipe and flush again if needed. 

That’s when I realized that I sounded just like my dad.  I was like so maybe it’s not a genetic thing, but more of a kid thing.   But it seems like everyone blames everything genetics it seems like. 

Rompers for men. What??!?!! Good luck peeing….

Really, rompers for men.  Like it isn’t ridiculous for a woman to be wearing one but a man.  Some days it’s hard enough to do the zipper and button for a bathroom break.  Especially when beer is involved.  A lot of us have been there, doing that pottie dance when a few beers are involved.  But that’s a story for another time.  I for one am not going to completely get naked just to pee.  If anyone says there are snaps in the crotch so you can pee, I’ll hand you a bottle and a pacifier and your outfit will be complete.  Just don’t ask me to change your diaper.  Because who wants to try and re-snap that after going.  I mean I cannot even snap my niece’s onesie right after a diaper change.

 

I don’t see how grown ass men are modeling these and not having their man card taken away.  They all look ridiculous and like they are hairy 4 year olds.  Now I am not a fashion statement but I work in a hardware store where I do get dirty so it’s not like I can wear a prom dress or even a wedding dress for that matter.  But I wear jeans and a t-shirt there and I look perfect for the job.  No one would want to see a grown ass adult walking through a hardware store wearing a romper.

 

Then there’s the cold should look I’ve been seeing in the plus sized clothing store I shop in.  Really no one wants to see my fatty shoulders or my bra straps.  Heck, I don’t want to see anyone’s bra straps anyways.  Just as long as no one combines the cold should look with the rompers then we will be good.   But I wouldn’t be surprised if it did happen since someone came out with parachute pants in the 1980’s

Hey cranky people stay away from my sparkling personality

Dealing with the public is starting to take its toll on my sparkling personality.  You people need to stop being so demanding and cranky.  Take a chill pill and relax a little.  Do you think if you are nice that you’ll fall off the face of the earth?  Note the earth is round, so the only way you’ll fall of is if the earth speeds up and then we all would be flung into outer space.  Talk about space garbage, all the planets and aliens would be dodging a lot of earth’s junk.  Things I’ve wanted to say all week but didn’t.  Primarily because my butt has fallen asleep and the sparkles have gone rogue.  Plus, I like my jobs.

Really you don’t know how to say Hi when someone answers the phone.  You should move to mars.  Then your manners will come in handy.

Of course I need your account number, but can you at least say Hi when I answer.

You can surely ask me a question about an invoice without giving me your account number or invoice number.  You won’t get an answer about it since I have nothing to look at.

Hey, if you were paying more attention to your kid then your phone maybe, then I the store employee, wouldn’t have to say something when he starts climbing on the self-check-out register.  So take your dirty looks and go to Pluto.

If you give a group of people a project, don’t expect it to be 100% perfect.  If you want it 100% your way, then do it yourself.

Waving items in my face while at self-checkout is not going to make be scan your items without an attitude.  It’s self-checkout for a reason.