Back at it....things I'd love to say

If your front bumper decides to kiss my rear bumper, it’ll cost ya.  So back off! 

Yep, I posted this on Facebook, “Put a fork on me and and call me some.”  It should have been “Put a fork in me and call me done.” 

The truth always comes out knuckleheads. 

What isn’t it normal for people to work hard and pay their bills?
 Hey dumbass the s is silent in Illinois.  If you ever paid attention in school, you would know this.  Plus, the fact I pronounced it properly.
 Just because you cannot keep your shit straight doesn’t mean you can expect to call us and be nasty and get an answer right this second.  Put your adult pants and get over it.
 Really you wonder why I stopped calling you.  Maybe if you called me once in a while you’d find out the phone goes both ways.  Just saying.
 Oh, you came into town and thought I had no plans.  Sorry I don’t sit and wait for people to show up.
 Really 3 are wrong and it’s the end of your world.  Hey the world will live and it takes less than a minute to fix it.  Get over it.

Not always the brightest as a teenager

Ok so Bertha and I weren’t always the smartest when we would go out.  For the record Bertha isn’t her real name.  We had gone out for pizza after one of my cousin’s football games that she was cheering for and we had met a few boys our age.  Mind you we were only 14 at the time and didn’t want to use our real names.  Not sure why but she gave Bertha as her name and her real phone number.  So when the boy called and asked for her, her brother was like what the heck.  Well it came out it was us and he was like really you give a fake name and your real number.  Needless to say he wasn’t happy and of course was being the overprotective big brother.  So as the years went by we got smarter and used fake numbers for those guys we really weren’t interested in.  Of course then pagers came out and we just gave out pager numbers and decided based on the number who we’d call back.

 

A few years later Bertha, Mavis (Bertha’s sister), and I took one of our road trips to Lake Geneva, WI.  Back then I was scared to death to drive on the highway.  So Bertha drove on the highway and for some reason Mavis picked up some of the driving too.  On this particular trip, Bertha was speeding down a country road in Wisconsin and got pulled over.  Now I cannot remember how fast she was going but we were young and Mavis was pregnant so we didn’t question it too much.  I paid the ticket since I was the only one with a credit card and we didn’t want to go back up for a court date.  We go about our business visiting our male friends up there.  Ok they were just boys we became friends with after all of our trips up there.  We drive back down to Illinois and get about 10 minutes from home and go through an intersection we have gone through hundreds of times before.  Within in seconds the blue and red lights are going off behind us.  So there we are shaking our heads.  Low and behold the intersection we just went though had gotten a stop sign.  So Mavis gets a ticket for running a stop sign.  To this day, some 26 years later, I never live down the fact that I didn’t get a ticket that night too.  I always point that I was the good one that night and didn’t get one.  Then they both say in unison well you didn’t drive.  My response was well it was my car we took.

 

Needless to say this is some of the stuff we still get crap for from their mom.  After 34 years of friendship we a lot of stories and mishaps that we are brought up.  But that’s for another time.

Clogging toilets and sounding like my father

So clogging toilets is a genetic thing.  Hey my brother and I used to clog toilets and his kids do too.  One day I was watching my nephew Aloysius and my niece Hortencia because their parents were off somewhere doing who knows what.  Hortencia and I were doing crafts at the kitchen table and Aloysius was watching TV.  So I thought he was watching TV until I hear him yell, “Auntie, Auntie the toilet’s broke.”  I walk down to the bathroom with Hortencia running behind me.  What she was 3 and had little legs and she needs to see everything that’s going on.  I walk into the bathroom to see him standing against the wall with just his shirt on looking at all the water in the toilet.  The water was up to the rim and there was nothing else in the toilet but water.  I grab the plunger and start plunging and he says you’re doing it wrong.  Really I’m the queen of clogging toilets and your dad is king.  As I stand there plunging, I start telling him the same exact lecture I got as a kid.  If you poop you flush, then wipe then flush again and wipe and flush again if needed. 

That’s when I realized that I sounded just like my dad.  I was like so maybe it’s not a genetic thing, but more of a kid thing.   But it seems like everyone blames everything genetics it seems like. 

Rompers for men. What??!?!! Good luck peeing….

Really, rompers for men.  Like it isn’t ridiculous for a woman to be wearing one but a man.  Some days it’s hard enough to do the zipper and button for a bathroom break.  Especially when beer is involved.  A lot of us have been there, doing that pottie dance when a few beers are involved.  But that’s a story for another time.  I for one am not going to completely get naked just to pee.  If anyone says there are snaps in the crotch so you can pee, I’ll hand you a bottle and a pacifier and your outfit will be complete.  Just don’t ask me to change your diaper.  Because who wants to try and re-snap that after going.  I mean I cannot even snap my niece’s onesie right after a diaper change.

 

I don’t see how grown ass men are modeling these and not having their man card taken away.  They all look ridiculous and like they are hairy 4 year olds.  Now I am not a fashion statement but I work in a hardware store where I do get dirty so it’s not like I can wear a prom dress or even a wedding dress for that matter.  But I wear jeans and a t-shirt there and I look perfect for the job.  No one would want to see a grown ass adult walking through a hardware store wearing a romper.

 

Then there’s the cold should look I’ve been seeing in the plus sized clothing store I shop in.  Really no one wants to see my fatty shoulders or my bra straps.  Heck, I don’t want to see anyone’s bra straps anyways.  Just as long as no one combines the cold should look with the rompers then we will be good.   But I wouldn’t be surprised if it did happen since someone came out with parachute pants in the 1980’s

Hey cranky people stay away from my sparkling personality

Dealing with the public is starting to take its toll on my sparkling personality.  You people need to stop being so demanding and cranky.  Take a chill pill and relax a little.  Do you think if you are nice that you’ll fall off the face of the earth?  Note the earth is round, so the only way you’ll fall of is if the earth speeds up and then we all would be flung into outer space.  Talk about space garbage, all the planets and aliens would be dodging a lot of earth’s junk.  Things I’ve wanted to say all week but didn’t.  Primarily because my butt has fallen asleep and the sparkles have gone rogue.  Plus, I like my jobs.

Really you don’t know how to say Hi when someone answers the phone.  You should move to mars.  Then your manners will come in handy.

Of course I need your account number, but can you at least say Hi when I answer.

You can surely ask me a question about an invoice without giving me your account number or invoice number.  You won’t get an answer about it since I have nothing to look at.

Hey, if you were paying more attention to your kid then your phone maybe, then I the store employee, wouldn’t have to say something when he starts climbing on the self-check-out register.  So take your dirty looks and go to Pluto.

If you give a group of people a project, don’t expect it to be 100% perfect.  If you want it 100% your way, then do it yourself.

Waving items in my face while at self-checkout is not going to make be scan your items without an attitude.  It’s self-checkout for a reason.

Toilet paper and the middle school

I had my fair share of fun that didn’t get me in trouble.  But it could have.  Like when I was a freshman in high school my 3 friends and I one September Saturday night decided to toilet paper the middle school we went to.  Now I am the only one who didn’t live 1 block away from the school, but Bertha, Brunhilda, and Ernestina all did.  Now we were staying at Brunhilda’s house since we always hung out in the family room when we were at her house.  It also helped there was a sliding glass door that led outside.  It was always easy to get out of that house it seemed.  Her mom and stepfather were either on the floor above us or in bed 2 floors above us.  So there we were, 4 girls toilet papering the front of the school.  No one said we were the brightest.  We were 14 years old for Pete’s sake and it was 1985.  We were probably high on hairspray.  I turn around and see a cop car coming down the street.  I yell cop and 3 of us duck behind the bushes and there’s Brunhilda standing smack dab in a light going Huh?!?!?!  She then falls to the ground.  The cop passes and we take off running into the 3-hole golf course that surrounds the school.  We run through it and make it back to Brunhilda’s house.  We go about out night talking about boys and doing makeup.  The rest of the weekend goes on without anyone saying anything.  My brother comes home from school on Monday and was all excited because someone toilet papered.  He’s going on and on at dinner.  Later that night I pulled him aside and told him that it Bertha, Brunhilda, Ernestina, and I that did it.

 

A few years later my brother egged a rival high school and took off running and broke his elbow.  I don’t think he listened to my entire toilet paper story because we didn’t break anything.  

Graduation season and me

The month of graduations are here.  Whether is kindergarten, grade school, high school, or college.  Yes, I have been through all of them.  Kindergarten I really don’t remember.  Hey I was 5 and while my memory is like an elephant’s I do forgot some things.  Grade school I remember and one would think we were all dying the way we were crying and carrying.  It was like we were never ever going to see each other.  For crying out loud it was 8^th graduation and we were all going to going to the same high school.  But all the pictures from back then show our faces are red, wet, and puffy.  Hell some of us hung out all summer swimming and hanging at the mall.

High school graduation was a whole other story.  My best friend drove us to where gradation was and I think we were even late and it wasn’t because we were goofing around at the senior breakfast.  At thought point we just wanted to be done with school.  Plus, I think we were too busy doing our hair and makeup.  Don’t judge it was 1989 and part of it was having big hair, bright clothes and a ton of makeup on.  Since there were too many kids graduating there wasn’t enough room at the school, we graduated at a place called Popular Creek.  It was an outdoor concert venue that has since closed.  I was just happy to walking on a stage that had so many bands play on it.  The class clown let 12 white mice loose during the ceremony.  So there was that excitement.  That class clown now owns his own logistics company.

I went to community college for a year after high school and didn’t go far.  Heck I didn’t know what I wanted to do when I grew up.  So I worked and had fun.  I finally went back to college at 27 and graduated at 30 with a bachelor’s degree.  I, of course had worked my butt off not to mention my fingers to get that degree.  So I cried a little and then had a party at the house that my parents threw for me.  A few years after that I went back and got my MBA and just had them mail it to me.  I didn’t want to deal with all the pomp and circumstance. 

After all that, I am not doing what I got my degrees in.  I did for a number of years and it has helped move me along in my career path.  Now that I am in my 40’s I am comfortable in doing what I do and I have this sparkly blog that I love.  Hey what can I say it has taken me years to figure all this out.  I don’t know how kids now a days figure it out.  I mean they just finished a ton of school and have to think about more school.  Heck I wasn’t mature enough back then to dedicate myself to figure it out and not sure I am now.  If have read this blog you have gotten a glimpse of my quirkiness. 

Thongs verses Floss

Thongs are just floss for your ass and they are the most uncomfortable things ever.  They are worse than wearing an over the shoulder boulder holder aka the bra.  Other than flossing your booty, it’s like wearing a Band-Aid over your private area.  For what it’s worth, you could go commando and be more comfortable.  Whether you are going commando or wearing a thong people still see all your bits when you lose your pants.  What haven’t you ever lost your pants when jumping in a pool of sparkles and glitter or when you are dancing at the bar?  Then I wonder how to you function when it’s that time of the month.  Do you go to granny panties until it over?  Oh wait, since it’s like wearing a Band-Aid that would cover that time of the month.  Just seems that the floss would interfere with it.  No thank you, I’ll stick to the grannie panties any day of the week.  That way when I lose my pants doing a jig down the highway no one will see my bits.  Plus, I can have different sayings on them.  Who wouldn’t want a pair of panties that say “Hi thanks for not staring at my sparkly bits.” or “Follow me to the pool.”

Slug bugs and 1980's hair

For the last 2 years of high school my best friend drove me to school.  We took the same route every day.  One would think I would know what was coming.  But no everyday day I forgot.  It kind of was like groundhog day.  Every day we would drive past one particular house and she would hit me and say slug bug.  I was always like what the fudge how do I forget that.  She was like cause your blonde.  Not only was there one Volkswagen bug but 2, 1 blue and 1 yellow.  Not to mention she picked me up at 7 am since school started at 7:20 am and I was up at 5 am getting ready for school.  Why 5 am you ask?  Because it was the late 1980’s and it was the height of big hair and a full faces of makeup.  I needed that time to get ready for school.  Of course for one semester it was only to have gym first period.  So all that work went to waste until I figured out how to do the minimum and still pass without wrecking all my hard work.

Now break for our favorite direct sales companies and other companies

And now a break from my blondeness for a word about my friend’s companies.  Oh, and mine too.

There are some companies I just love.  Pure Romance for one.  Everybody needs love, romance, and some adult toys.  Nothing wrong with that.  There’s something for everyone there, from mild to whoa nelly bring it on.

After your done with all that you’ll need some fuel so go get cookies from The Cookie Garden.  Not to mention a makeup touch up with Younique makeup. 

The other 2 I have no idea where those come in at.  At Cheekerscrafts they have some jewelry and gemstones and Discovery toys could keep the kids busy while at the grandparents’ house when you’re having fun.

Below are their websites or Etsy shop where you can shop.  So go check them out and be surprised at what you find that you will love.  Plus, you can shop in the privacy of your home and no one will know what order unless you feel the need to broadcast it.  I have so many other favorites from all the companies and I could go on and on about their products.  But you cannot go wrong with these companies.

https://www.pureromance.com/SUSANGODFREY

https://www.youniqueproducts.com/KellyFleck

https://www.etsy.com/shop/cheekerscrafts

http://www.cookiegarden.com/

http://discoverytoys.com/pws/beckyknol/tabs/test.aspx

Now back to our scheduled blog this week sometime.

Family quirks-Pins, quarters, and lobsters in a pool

Every family has their quirks and things that happen.  We all have embarrassing stories that have turned into funny stories.  My cousins, brother, and I joke that it’s amazing we grew up normal.  My aunt will say we were young parents and didn’t know what they were doing.  But we survived the 1970’s and 1980’s just fine and we never wanted for anything.  We had clothes, food, and a roof over our heads.  We went on vacations and spent a lot of time with each other.  All-in-all it was a pretty good life with a lot of fun times.  Not to mention we had a pool.  That pool was a ton of fun all summer long.

Of course there were the times where my mom and my aunt found my cousin behind a chair choking on a quarter.  Or the time my mom changed my diaper and stood me up and I screamed and cried and my mom turns to my aunt and says I don’t know what’s wrong with her.  My aunt takes me and runs her hand around the inside of my diaper and found my diaper was pinned to me.  Of course my mom used cloth diapers back in the early 1970's so that's why a pin was stuck to me.  I was probably w wiggly baby and that would any pin to get stuck/  Well that would make anyone cry.  By the time my younger cousin and brother came along they got their act partially together.  This could happen to anyone in reality.

One on particular weekend trip we had gone camping with the Indian Princesses.  The Indian Princesses was a father daughter program through the YMCA.  We always ate pretty good on these trips.  One father had a pizza oven made for cooking over the fire and we would also eat crab legs too.  See we were treated great.  On one particular camping trip the fathers brought lobsters.  My father and uncle being the goof balls they are, threw the lobsters in the pool while us girls were swimming.  Of course everybody but me got out of the pool as fast as they could.  I knew the lobsters had rubber bands on their claws so I knew I wouldn’t get hurt.  Needless to say they probably weren’t edible after the swim in the chlorinated water.