Funerals are no fun until someone farts and gets the car in line

Yes, funerals are sad occasions and are not any fun.  I have been to quite a few and have had all the emotions that go with them.  I don’t ever go near the coffin.  Not because of lack of respect but I just cannot handle being that close.  Those people close to me understand that and accept it.  But it always seems like something happens that we can chuckle at.  Like at my friend’s fiance's funeral.  Her family and I were sitting together during mass and during a quiet moment of prayer someone lets out a loud fart.  Both of her parents look at her brother and I and give us the look of death.  We are like it wasn’t us.  They both start whispering yelling at us to grow up as they are trying not to chuckle.  Mind you we are about 40 at this time.  Then all of a sudden we hear someone say Junior please.  Turns out it was her fiance's nephew.  Now this wasn’t the only funny incident that happened.  I drove over to Gem’s parents’ house so we can follow each other to the funeral home and church.  So her brother Baby drives over with me and we get to the funeral home.  I roll down my window to talk to the funeral home person and he asks if we are family or friends.  I say family and Baby says friends.  I lean over and hit him.  Now mind you Baby and I have known each other since 1986.  He comes back with I’m not the fiance's family I’m his friend.  I say Gem is your family and I turn the director and say family.  The funeral person just looks at us shaking his head as we biker and laugh like we are family.  So I get the car in line with the family cars.

First day of school pictures and flip flops

With all these back to school pics I’m beginning to wonder if I need to start posting flip flop pics.  What doesn’t everyone want to see sasquatch fee in flip flops?  Oh come on that would so make the news.  Not to mention it’d be something new in your news feed since all summer long we’ve seen all of little Timmy’s pictures posted all over Facebook.  He’s been doing things like baseball, ballet and some weird somersault down the sledding hill.  I’m sure there are people wearing flips on their ears to keep their ears warm and someone probably uses them to go sledding.  What it’s not like people don’t wear them in the middle of the winter.  If you haven’t heard of this read the post from earlier in the week peeps.

So keep an eye out for pictures of flip flop pictures on my Facebook page or on my Google+ page.  Ya never know when one will show up.  Heck Billy Bob finally got his picture for the first day of school.

Flips Flops the footwear of choice

There are days where I wonder why do I have to put actual shoes on.  Why cannot flip flops be footwear of choice all the way around?  If I could I would live in flip flops year round.  But if I did I’d have frozen piggy’s because I live in the Midwest and it gets cold and snowy here.  If I had sasquatch feet that would be a whole other story.  Because I wouldn’t need any shoes or clothes for that matter.  But that is another issue for another time.

Of course there are people who should never ever wear flips or sandals of any kind.  You know the ones who don’t get their toes painted and look like they have been running through a mud pit.  They need to wear shoes that completely cover their feet.  Because no one wants to see that.

Flips can totally go with any outfit.  They can be blinged out or sporty looking like the Nike ones.  I think I will make it a mission to get flips the shoe of choice for us sparkly peeps.

Not the momma the Auntie at the pool

Highlight of the week was the pool with the niece and nephews. Aloysius the 11-year-old was off with his friends causing some sort of commotion.  Actually, the only commotion was him picking on a girl and I asked if she was his girlfriend and he said no he just likes to annoy her.  His way of saying he liked her.

Hortencia hung out with me and Bubba a lot.  Bubba being only 4 was a little leery if the slide that had sprayers on the starts and the slide.  I had to stand on top of the steps and help him up when he got the to the sprayers.  Now mind you that water isn’t the warmest coming out of there.  The goofy kid was fine going down the slide through that sprayer.  So I was like I am gonna hobble right down and stand in the sun and work on my tan without being cold.  Keep in mind I was still recovering my trip visiting the sidewalk on Saturday at the Taste of Roselle.

Then, Bubba kept going back and forth between calling me auntie and momma.  I was like I’m not the momma I’m the auntie.  After a while I realized it was a losing battle with a 4-year-old. Especially since I watched him his first year when his parents worked.

Really it takes this many paramedics to put a band aid on?

How many paramedics does it take to put a band aid on a toe?  Yes, a toe.  It takes 4.  How do I know you ask?  Because I was at the taste of Roselle this past weekend and I tripped and fell and cut my toe open.  So as I stood there bleeding a cop stopped by was like do you need first aid.  Umm I probably do where is it so I can walk over there.  He’s like I’ll have them come over so you don’t have to walk.  So here come 4 paramedics with their bags.  Ok, well since you hotties are already here go ahead and put the band aid on.  Maybe I need some mouth to mouth along with that band aid.  Good thing it wasn’t that bad I didn’t need to make a trip to the ER.

Now mind you I have been going to the taste of Roselle for 34 years and the worst thing I had ever done was belch really loud after have a few beers when I was 23 or so.  What?  These things happen when you drink fast carbonated drinks

The back to school glitter storm

With of all the folders in the air you can always tell what aisle has the school supplies.  The back to school aisle in stores nowadays is just crazy.  The supply lists are as long as a novel.  It’s like a war zone with the way parents are fighting, throwing pencils and scissors in the air amongst a cloud of glitter.  Add a little glue and everything will sparkle with glitter.  Parents are trying to glue each other to the floor with Elmer’s glue like there’s no tomorrow keeping each other away from the 16 inch binders with the kitty cat picture on the front.  Nowadays kids need like twenty 24 inch binders and a calculator that is more like a computer.  People there is no reason to fight over a blue pen when there a trillion to choose from.  If there is not enough then get your happy ass in the car and go to another store.  Oh better yet, wait for it, order it all online!

Back in the day I was lucky to have 1 pencil that had an eraser.  Usually it was the one from the previous year.  This pencil would be like ¼ inch and was a pain to write with.  No wonder why my handwriting is awful.  Kleenex what was that.  We either used toilet paper or our sleeves.  What our immune systems were a lot better that the kids today and we didn’t have to have Kleenex for the entire classroom.  We had 1 bottle of Elmer’s glue and if you used it on your hands and peeled it off then you didn’t have any glue for your projects that your parents so proudly displayed on the fridge of shame.

We had 1 desk to fit out stuff in, not a U-Haul to keep our stuff in.  I don’t see how kids are carrying these ginormous backpacks around with everything including the kitchen sink in them.  I was lucky to have a paper bag to carry my things in.  If that bag got wet that was another issue because I’d have to balance books on my head and my left foot and hand to carry them all home.  Which was a step from by parents’ day who had their great uncle Harvey’s worn belt to carry their books to school.

New month peeps. Get some patience.

Some days I just wonder about people.  You let them know something is temporally out of stock and they automatically assume it is discontinued.  Hello, did I say anything about it being discontinued?  No I did not.  Just like when a self-checkout says it doesn’t accept cash.  Duh let’s put our cash in anyways and wonder why it doesn’t give change back.  People get your heads out of your asses or out of your friends’ asses and pay attention.  I mean really you are the same people who will complain about everything little thing that goes wrong.  Either that or your keep head in the sand.  Maybe you’ll find some crabs.

People if you get transferred to a department why the heck wouldn’t you leave a voice message.  Do you sit around and wait around for people to call you and do you get off a call just to answer another call?  Does this piss off the person you’re talking to when you say sorry I have to stop helping you because I have another call?  No, you finish your conversation and call the other person back.  So what is do hard to understand that others aren’t always available.  That is why there is voicemail.

Have a little patience people and learn to deal with things.  Like having to leave messages or waiting in a line at a store.  Not everything is instant gratification.