$186 paperclip versus a $50 purse

What is wrong with you crazy people, $186 for a paperclip?  Ok so it’s a Prada paperclip that’s a money clip.  I’m lucky I have $2 in my purse so there is no way my 2 singles are going in a money clip that costs $186.  That amount usually lasts about 3 seconds in my account.  What I have bills to pay and things I need and want.  Yes, I have spent money on Coach purses but it’s usually from the outlet store when they are having a great sale and I have a coupon.  Plus, a purse can carry a whole lot more.  Like makeup, a wallet, diapers, checkbook, vibrators, and a comb.  All stuff that comes in handy on a daily basis.  It’s not like you can put that Prada paperclip money clip around all that.

So while all you fashionistas are spending that money on a paperclip, I will use my purse and keep my pet giraffe in it.  That way she’s always with me.

A snowsuit in the summer.....Huh?!?!?!

Now that it’s summer people start walking around with snowsuits.  What the temps drop down to 65 and people are freezing.  It’s like they have the seasons backwards.  Because these same people will be walking around with shorts, tank tops, and flip flops when it’s 22 degrees out in the middle of winter.  People make up your minds.  It’s not like its rocket science and you won’t get the funky ass stares.  Not to mention your lady and male bits won’t fall off because of frost bite.  Nor will they be all hot and sweaty in the summer.  Because no one wants any part of either situation.  It’s just one of those things this sparkly blonde doesn’t understand.  It’s ok I don’t really need to anyway.

Nope those are not the names of my loved ones

Yes, I have given my friends and family weird names in my blog.  Why?  Because some of the stories could be embarrassing.  But let’s face it they are funny.  So I thought I’d protect them and give them different names.  Me I don’t care if the funny and embarrassing stories are out there about me.  Heck I put them out there myself.  I figured if I cannot handle the embarrassing the stories from my younger days then there is something off about me and I need to go the planet Pluto.  Oh wait is that not a planet or is it.  I can’t keep track even if I am in outer space a lot. Not to mention the names make it even funnier.

One day I’ll start calling everybody by the names I use in the blog.  People wouldn’t know what was going on.  They’d look at me with weird looks and birds going around their head.  Of course that would be the ones that don’t read it.

Oh, the things I say and the purse

If you don’t laugh daily, you’ll shrivel up like a prune.

Hey lumber associate the 2 pretty boys need help loading their sheetrock.  They don’t want to get their old clothes dirty.

It’s so hot out I need glue to keep my sparkles on.

I am always leaving my wallet all over.  If I would put it back in my purse it would be a wonderful thing.  Yesterday I ran into a store to get frozen yogurt and grabbed my wallet out of my purse.  Now you’re probably thinking why didn’t she just grab her whole purse.  Have you crazy chuckleheads seen some of the purses we females carry, some are as big as a small suitcase.  Not only do we have to carry tampons, a wallet, makeup and a load of other crap, we also need to carry our kids diapers and toys.  Then the husband is handing over his wallet and power tools for us to hold.  So now you see why we have a suitcase sized purse.  It’s like we are carrying the entire house with us.  So now you know why I tend to forget my wallet and why some men carry a man purse.  Because let’s face it us woman we don’t need to carry around table saw like men feel the need to.  We just carry around a wide variety of feminine products.

Please send a hamster to power the computer

To whom it may concern:

I am writing to you today because the hamster in my computer is not running on its wheel causing my computer not to work.  Please kindly send another so I can have it run on the wheel to power the computer.

Thank You Kindly,

Hilma

Dear Hilma,

We are currently out of hamsters but we can send you a fish and a fishbowl.  The fish swimming in the bowl can power your computer, as well as your car.  We will put in the mail for you.  We appreciate your business.

Thank you,

Maynard

Customer Service Representative at Animal Powered Equipment

Dear Maynard,

The fish and fishbowl are working out wonderfully.  Not only can I power my computer but I can cool my entire house.

Yours Truly,

Hilma

Ties and peeing contests

Philomena and I meet when we both were working at Blockbuster (BBV) back in the 1990’s.  We had a lot of good times.  There are some stories that probably shouldn’t be mentioned but it’s not like we remember everybody’s last name we met.  We would meet up after we closed our stores but we’d also hang out at a local bar on our days off.  We went so often that when we came in with a group of people and there were no tables available, they would bring tables and chairs out for us.  So one particular night we were there and we had seen some guys from our old bowling league.  As we were heading out we all starting talking in the parking lot and telling stories.  One thing led to another and they guys started joking about us having to wear ties at BBV.  At the time everyone one a button down collared shirt and if you were in management you wore a tie so customers would know who we were.  Well one thing led to another and the guys were having a peeing contest in the parking lot and we were measure how far they could pee with the ties.  I know this sounds very mature for people in their mid to late 20’s.

This was the same bar that we picked up 2 off duty cops and drove home with them following us.  Not the brightest move but we sure did have fun with them once we got home.  Plus, whenever I closed and was coming home at 1 am there was always a cop driving past watching me get into my house.  Just a perk of having a little fun.  The rest of that story is kept in the vault.  Type of vault not sure but it has purple and pink sparkles with rhinestones.

Nobody versus the dog and cats acting like dogs

As you may have read in a previous post I had a cat named Nobody.  She would pal around with her mom Nina outside.  Now she wasn’t as fearless as Nina was but she had her moments.  Well, all of our neighbors had dogs and one of those dogs was a Shetland Sheepdog. One day I was out in the yard feeding the fish in the pond when I see Nobody in the yard next door.  Well, that Shetland dog took off running after Nobody and she ran right under their deck.  She must have been looking for exercise or just wanted to mess with that poor dog’s mind.  Because she’d run out from under the deck half way into the yard and right back under the deck.  She did this a few times before scaling the chain link fence back into our yard.  That poor dog didn’t know was going on.  He just kept chasing her back and forth.  All I could do was stand there, watch, and laugh.  Because it looked like he was confused and she looked like she was laughing because he couldn’t catch her.

Because of all the dogs around us Nina the cat picked up some dog like tendencies.  One day I walked the 2 blocks to my friend’s house so we could go for a walk.  Well Nina followed me there and sat outside for 5 minutes while I went inside and Wanda was getting her shoes on.  We come out and start walking with Nina following us.  About halfway through our 2 mile walk Nina takes off on her own.  I think nothing of it as I know she wanders the neighborhood.  We finish our walk and Nina comes home an hour after I do.