$186 paperclip versus a $50 purse

What is wrong with you crazy people, $186 for a paperclip?  Ok so it’s a Prada paperclip that’s a money clip.  I’m lucky I have $2 in my purse so there is no way my 2 singles are going in a money clip that costs $186.  That amount usually lasts about 3 seconds in my account.  What I have bills to pay and things I need and want.  Yes, I have spent money on Coach purses but it’s usually from the outlet store when they are having a great sale and I have a coupon.  Plus, a purse can carry a whole lot more.  Like makeup, a wallet, diapers, checkbook, vibrators, and a comb.  All stuff that comes in handy on a daily basis.  It’s not like you can put that Prada paperclip money clip around all that.

So while all you fashionistas are spending that money on a paperclip, I will use my purse and keep my pet giraffe in it.  That way she’s always with me.

A snowsuit in the summer.....Huh?!?!?!

Now that it’s summer people start walking around with snowsuits.  What the temps drop down to 65 and people are freezing.  It’s like they have the seasons backwards.  Because these same people will be walking around with shorts, tank tops, and flip flops when it’s 22 degrees out in the middle of winter.  People make up your minds.  It’s not like its rocket science and you won’t get the funky ass stares.  Not to mention your lady and male bits won’t fall off because of frost bite.  Nor will they be all hot and sweaty in the summer.  Because no one wants any part of either situation.  It’s just one of those things this sparkly blonde doesn’t understand.  It’s ok I don’t really need to anyway.

Nope those are not the names of my loved ones

Yes, I have given my friends and family weird names in my blog.  Why?  Because some of the stories could be embarrassing.  But let’s face it they are funny.  So I thought I’d protect them and give them different names.  Me I don’t care if the funny and embarrassing stories are out there about me.  Heck I put them out there myself.  I figured if I cannot handle the embarrassing the stories from my younger days then there is something off about me and I need to go the planet Pluto.  Oh wait is that not a planet or is it.  I can’t keep track even if I am in outer space a lot. Not to mention the names make it even funnier.

One day I’ll start calling everybody by the names I use in the blog.  People wouldn’t know what was going on.  They’d look at me with weird looks and birds going around their head.  Of course that would be the ones that don’t read it.

Oh, the things I say and the purse

If you don’t laugh daily, you’ll shrivel up like a prune.

Hey lumber associate the 2 pretty boys need help loading their sheetrock.  They don’t want to get their old clothes dirty.

It’s so hot out I need glue to keep my sparkles on.

I am always leaving my wallet all over.  If I would put it back in my purse it would be a wonderful thing.  Yesterday I ran into a store to get frozen yogurt and grabbed my wallet out of my purse.  Now you’re probably thinking why didn’t she just grab her whole purse.  Have you crazy chuckleheads seen some of the purses we females carry, some are as big as a small suitcase.  Not only do we have to carry tampons, a wallet, makeup and a load of other crap, we also need to carry our kids diapers and toys.  Then the husband is handing over his wallet and power tools for us to hold.  So now you see why we have a suitcase sized purse.  It’s like we are carrying the entire house with us.  So now you know why I tend to forget my wallet and why some men carry a man purse.  Because let’s face it us woman we don’t need to carry around table saw like men feel the need to.  We just carry around a wide variety of feminine products.

Please send a hamster to power the computer

To whom it may concern:

I am writing to you today because the hamster in my computer is not running on its wheel causing my computer not to work.  Please kindly send another so I can have it run on the wheel to power the computer.

Thank You Kindly,

Hilma

Dear Hilma,

We are currently out of hamsters but we can send you a fish and a fishbowl.  The fish swimming in the bowl can power your computer, as well as your car.  We will put in the mail for you.  We appreciate your business.

Thank you,

Maynard

Customer Service Representative at Animal Powered Equipment

Dear Maynard,

The fish and fishbowl are working out wonderfully.  Not only can I power my computer but I can cool my entire house.

Yours Truly,

Hilma

Ties and peeing contests

Philomena and I meet when we both were working at Blockbuster (BBV) back in the 1990’s.  We had a lot of good times.  There are some stories that probably shouldn’t be mentioned but it’s not like we remember everybody’s last name we met.  We would meet up after we closed our stores but we’d also hang out at a local bar on our days off.  We went so often that when we came in with a group of people and there were no tables available, they would bring tables and chairs out for us.  So one particular night we were there and we had seen some guys from our old bowling league.  As we were heading out we all starting talking in the parking lot and telling stories.  One thing led to another and they guys started joking about us having to wear ties at BBV.  At the time everyone one a button down collared shirt and if you were in management you wore a tie so customers would know who we were.  Well one thing led to another and the guys were having a peeing contest in the parking lot and we were measure how far they could pee with the ties.  I know this sounds very mature for people in their mid to late 20’s.

This was the same bar that we picked up 2 off duty cops and drove home with them following us.  Not the brightest move but we sure did have fun with them once we got home.  Plus, whenever I closed and was coming home at 1 am there was always a cop driving past watching me get into my house.  Just a perk of having a little fun.  The rest of that story is kept in the vault.  Type of vault not sure but it has purple and pink sparkles with rhinestones.

Nobody versus the dog and cats acting like dogs

As you may have read in a previous post I had a cat named Nobody.  She would pal around with her mom Nina outside.  Now she wasn’t as fearless as Nina was but she had her moments.  Well, all of our neighbors had dogs and one of those dogs was a Shetland Sheepdog. One day I was out in the yard feeding the fish in the pond when I see Nobody in the yard next door.  Well, that Shetland dog took off running after Nobody and she ran right under their deck.  She must have been looking for exercise or just wanted to mess with that poor dog’s mind.  Because she’d run out from under the deck half way into the yard and right back under the deck.  She did this a few times before scaling the chain link fence back into our yard.  That poor dog didn’t know was going on.  He just kept chasing her back and forth.  All I could do was stand there, watch, and laugh.  Because it looked like he was confused and she looked like she was laughing because he couldn’t catch her.

Because of all the dogs around us Nina the cat picked up some dog like tendencies.  One day I walked the 2 blocks to my friend’s house so we could go for a walk.  Well Nina followed me there and sat outside for 5 minutes while I went inside and Wanda was getting her shoes on.  We come out and start walking with Nina following us.  About halfway through our 2 mile walk Nina takes off on her own.  I think nothing of it as I know she wanders the neighborhood.  We finish our walk and Nina comes home an hour after I do.

Leaf blower versus dirt storm

Hey dude.  Yes, you the one trying to return the leaf blowing that is all dirty.  You claim it doesn’t work, well how did it get all dirty and where is the box and/or packaging for it.  Did you try to use during a dirt storm?  I don’t think we had a dirt storm since you purchased it on April 22.  I think that would have hit the news big time here in the Chicago land area.  By the way the return policy expired.  You had until May 22 to return it.  Yes, I see the price and it is expensive and you can call the manufacture to have it repaired.  Next time there’s a dirt storm in the area maybe you shouldn’t try to use a leaf blower to fight the blowing dirt.  Then maybe it would still work.

To the one who brings in a receipt and the owner’s manual without the tool and claim there is a part missing.  Do I look like I fell off the turnip truck?  Maybe it was the hot dog cart.  See this page in the owner's manual with the number for missing parts.  Please call that number and get the parts.  Oh, you wasted a trip.  Maybe if you used some common sense then you wouldn’t be talking to my sparkly ass.  Maybe you shouldn't have opened it during the same dirt storm as the leaf blower guy.  Then the part wouldn’t have been blown away or sucked into his leaf blower.  

Nina the car loving cat

I got my first cat Pepper when I was 5 and I think I paid a quarter for her.  Since her we have had numerous cats in the house for the next 39 years.  In February of 1996 I got Nina who was 8 months old.  She must have been our most adventurous cat ever.  This cat got into everything.  Including getting out before I could have her fixed and getting pregnant.  We did manage to find homes for the kittens and we actually kept 2 of them.  Since her and one of her daughter’s Nobody loved to be outside we had cat door in one of the window wells in the basement so they could come and go.  Ok I know what you’re thinking a cat named Nobody.  Yes, because when all of our friends came over they all thought all the others were cute and nobody like Nobody, so the name stuck.  The other thing was we never had any other live animals try to come in.  But once in a while Nina would bring a present for us inside of the house and leave it at the bottom of the stairs going upstairs to the bedrooms.  After a talking too she left these on the deck. 

This cat loved cars.  We would find her in our cars all the time when we left our windows open.  We would pick her up and put her in the front yard so we could go on our merry way.  One day my family had a pizza delivered.  The pizza delivery guy came back about 5 minutes later asking if we had a cat.  The fool left his car door open and Nina hopped in.  He had started hearing a meowing and realized a cat his is car.  Since we were his last delivery he thought she was ours.  So my family goes out to his car and looks in and low and behold there’s Nina looking at them.  Two weeks later when my brother made a run to the liquor store 4 blocks away.  Half way there he saw Nina jump from the back seat to the front.  Rather than turning home he just went to the store and left her in the car.  I could go for ever with her antics like when she got arrested, but that’s a story for another time.

Really not wearing a bra is a good look

As I was trolling Facebook on lunch, I saw a post about the reasons not to wear a bra.  Some of the reasons were they don’t make the boobs any perkier and they cause breast cancer.  There were pictures of women’s nipples showing.  Really people!  First off no one wants to see my fat boobs that hang half down my stomach flipping and a flopping all over without a bra.  Heck, I don’t want to feel that.  Not to mention didn’t Janet Jackson have a wardrobe malfunction years ago with her nipple slipping out.  That caused a whole new issue with the Super Bowl half time shows as well as other live shows.  Plus, people were outraged by seeing a nipple.  Not to mention all the people who get all up in arms when a mother is breast feeding her baby in public.  So what the heck people.  I am going to wear a bra, even if it’s a little uncomfortable, because going bra less for 18 hours a day isn’t a look I’m going for.  Then I would be forced to shop at Wal-Mart with all the other fashion bloopers.  After seeing those pictures, I think I’ll keep my saggy boobs in a bra with no nipple showing.  If you want your boobs saggy and nipples showing that’s your call.

We are such a confused group of people.  But at least some of us sparkle while being confused.  One day showing nipples is ok another day it’s not.  I’m going back into my purple sparkle container.

Rose fest, rides, and lack of makeup

This past weekend was the Rose fest in my home town.  It consists of a carnival and a parade.  They even have a Rose Queen.  Growing up it was always exciting to see the rides starting to go up on Monday and Tuesday and it started on Wednesday and went through Sunday.  All the teachers would have a hard time this week keep up focused because we all were super excited and it didn’t help that the carnival was set up in the train station parking lot and that was a few blocks away from the middle school I went to.  It always so much fun and we would hang out Friday night, all day Saturday and Sunday.  We went every year all decked out with our hair and makeup done and our clothes looking good.  What it was the 1980’s and we were teenagers.   There were people our age from surrounding towns there.  It became a place to meet boys for us.  Heck Mavis even picked up a carnie one year when we were in our early 20’s.  That got us some free rides.

Once Bertha and I turned 21 in 1992 we couldn’t wait to go into the beer tent.  So we decided to be responsible and walk the 2 blocks from her house to the carnival.  Well let’s just say it would have worked if Bertha hadn’t decided to go on a ride called the Zipper.  The Zipper had cages that seated 2 people that spun as the rest of the ride moved in an oval shape.  I knew I couldn’t handle it sober much less after having a few beers in me.  So she goes on and comes off and gets sick.  Neither one of us is in any shape to walk home.  Luckily her boyfriend who was younger than us came to get us.  By the time he gets to us we are on the curb and she’s having dry heaves.  Poor guy had to deal with us 2 crazy knuckle heads.  Good thing he brought some of our other friends.

I did go this weekend Saturday night with a friend.  Of course I had worked all day and didn’t care about wearing makeup.  I put a clean shirt on, washed face and brushed teeth.  A complete changed from 25 years ago.  Hey I still look good without the makeup and hair done.  I sparkle so I’m always good.  So we hit the beer tent and listened to Howard and the White boys play and we talked.  No rides were involved in this outing.  I didn’t want my sparkles flying off of me.  

Camping and the lawn chair potty

We used to go camping a lot when I was a kid in the 1980’s.  Most places had bathrooms, electricity, etc.  Well for some reason my dad and grandfather had purchased 2 acres on a lake in the upper peninsula of Michigan.   Of course there was no running water or electricity on the land.  There wasn’t even any type of structures either.  We go and we are like where are we going to the bathroom because the pop-up camper doesn’t have a bathroom.  My dad and uncle are like don’t worry about it we’ll figure it out.  Their idea of creating a toilet was taking a lawn chair and putting a garbage bag in the hole.  There were certain rules that went this makeshift potty.  If it was full you had to change the bag and if you went #2 you changed it.  So it’s time to leave and we have to take all of our stuff with us including the bags.  The adults knew a place to take the bags of stuff.  So my Aunt sits on top of the camper holding the bag next to her and it leaks on her.  Now mind you we haven’t showered in 4-5 days and this just made it worse for her.  No one wanted to ride in the care with her at all and my cousins and I typically switched cars during the long drives.  Well they were begging to come with us and of course we didn’t want to ride in their car.  Needless to say my cousins had to stay in their own car the entire ride home.  To this day we still laugh about the leaking bag.

I will say that using the lawn chair bathroom was way cleaner than any outhouse I have been in.  Not as private but most of my family had seen my butt when they changed my diaper when I was a baby.