Getting lost in a 2 block radius at the family Christmas party

My mom's side of the family celebrated Christmas on Saturday this year.  There are about 20 adults and 100 kids.  Ok maybe not that many kids.  But the total number of people is close to 30.  So my Aunt always had it the clubhouse in her subdivision.  Well, some of us decided to go back to my Aunts to help her unload all the food and stuff.  I follow my mom and stepfather who of course are driving a rental car with Florida plates.  Mind you its Illinois and cold out.  Well, on the way they pull over and I pull up to them asking them whats wrong.  Their winder has frost on it and they have no scraper and cannot figure how to work the heat.  They start searching the car for a scraper and I'm like hello take mine.  They then take care of the scraping and proceed to tell me to turn around because we are going the wrong way.  I'm like ok its one big circle but whatever its dark and the houses look all the same.  Yup it's a subdivision of townhouses.  I turn around and go in the circle and realize they are not behind me and I come upon them still going the same way we started.  I am at this point laughing so hard I almost peed myself because they tell me to turn around because they are going the right way.  Again its one big main circle and we got lost.  Needless to say it's another story for the Christmas story books.

Totally prepared. I have a tree with lights on it.

Ok, I know I am not the only one behind the 8 ball on this whole Christmas thing.  People are all like I’ve been done shopping since May and it’s all wrapped and the house has been decorated since the 4^th of July.  I’m sitting here like it’s December 21 and I have a tree that has lights on it.  What this isn’t normal?  This should make the rest of you feel better.  Wait I still have to shop for presents.  So here is a picture of the tree.

Roads trips should be recorded

After watching the past few episodes of Ozzy and Jack’s world tour, I want be in the backseat of one of their trips.  That would be a riot and I am not sure who would be rolling their eyes more me or them.  I’m sure I’d be my blonde self and they would drop the F bomb and I’d be on the floor laughing so hard I’d come close to peeing myself.

Then I had a vision of going on a trip with my friends’ D and J.  J would be driving since D and I would be laughing too hard at all the goofiness we feel the need to let flow out of our mouths.  While J is driving she’d be rolling her eyes at the 2 of us since she more serious than us 2.

Road trips growing up were always a blast especially on vacations.  My family would meet up with my cousins and Aunt and Uncle and we would drive down the highway making faces at each other.  What us kids had nothing else to do in the car back in the 70’s and 80’s.  One trip we had to dive 3 hours with the heat on in the middle of the summer my aunt and uncle’s car was overheating.  Yea my parents sent me on vacation with them and they had a broken car.  

My aunt would also have us sing show tunes until we started signing out of tune and she would roll her eyes and stop.

Uneventful Christmas letter

Dear Peeps,

It’s that time of year for the update on the family.

The fuzzy bunnies are still helping Buck the Gold Retriever with his fish grooming business on Pluto.  They have also started selling their coats that are made out of seaweed and they have expanding that to other plants such as Uranus and Mars.  Not to mention Earth.  So there are bunch of fish that have been all cleaned up and are wearing coats.  What they get cold now that they have no hair on them.

Billy Bob and some of the bunnies are still touring providing entertainment to the world and the universe.  Nothing beats a plastic toy dude with bunnies preforming a comedy act.  Ursula, his sister still runs an orange farm in Alaska shipping turnips and Brussel sprouts to Antarctica.  The twins Agnes and Augustus have bene doing hair and car repairs in Antarctica for the penguins and whales.  Their fins and feet get tired after swimming for days on end. 

I am still on earth physically but mentally I’m in blonde world.  Until next.

Only Yours,

The Blonde One

Hey you! Yes you rude customer.

Dear customers.

Please remember that the sales clerks do not set the price, order the products or make the policies and procedures.  So don't take out your frustration out on them.  Because your happy ass isn't always right.

Also, keep in mind that there are sales and coupons throughout the year so save your self the headache and keep your ass in bed.  You should have shopped year round for this big holiday that you have lost the true meaning.  Because it's not about making your spoiled brat happy.

Thank you for your time and I am off to enjoy my pre-thanksgiving night.

Thanks from the store associate.

Common sense and mars

Peeps.  Don’t get your underwear all in a bunch because you owe money to someone and cannot pay and then threaten to not shop there any longer.  Really do you think you’re hurting them.  The only way you’re hurting them is by not paying them for past orders.  Lack of any future purchases won’t hurt them because it’s not like your low life ass will pay anyways.  So don’t take it out at someone because you’re an fucktard and cannot pay your bills and people are going after you for money.  I’m guessing these same people have a double standard and sell to people who don’t pay and it doesn’t faze them.  Must be nice to be in business as a charity.

On a brighter note, things are mars are heating up and I have decided I’m moving there because people are just whackadoodles ad have no common sense.  Me included so I’m out of here until common sense comes back.  So come and visit one day and we can go to the beach and swim in the ocean.  i can see it now a whole colony of people starting a beach-town.

Put the Christmas lights down Tom the Turkey is coming

Ok now that Halloween is over it doesn’t mean you can go all crazy with the Christmas decorations.  We still have one holiday to go.  That is where Tom Turkey comes in.  It’s called Thanksgiving people.  Give it up people and deal with each holiday.  What are you in denial about Tom Turkey?  It’s a day to give thanks and eat until you have to unbutton your pants and pull the zipper down and watch grown men tackle each other on the football field.

So put down the Christmas lights and the blow-up Santa’s and Frosty’s and put up Tom the Turkey blow-ups.  Step away from the decorating the tree and making it look like Christmas threw up all over your house 6 months early.  What’s your rush for Christmas anyways?  There’s 4 weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  That is more than enough time to enjoy Christmas.  Not to mention a week after Christmas is New Years and most people leave their Christmas decorations up until then.

So let’s give the first few weeks of November to Tom Turkey then after that give it to Santa and the elves.  It’s not like Tom is going to ever leave so give him a fair chance.